Penis Crush?!?

I don’t know if I should thank my good friend Alicia for sending this article to my attention, or make her pay for the therapy I’ll need for the nightmares I now have of this happening to Will.

Apparently, toddlers having their little man parts crushed by a falling toilet seat during potty training is a real problem. Don’t believe me? Read the article here.

As if potty training wasn’t hard enough, now parents need to be mindful of heavy wooden and other ornamental toilet seats. Apparently children like to rest their mini trouser snakes right on the bowl after lifting up the seat. But sometimes the lid falls and — SMACK — they’re members of the Vienna Boys Choir.

Here is an artist’s illustration of what that probably feels like:

That's gonna leave a mark!

That's gonna leave a mark!

However, there is a silver lining to everything.

The good news is, experts have a solution to not having your pecker crushed by an uncooperative toilet seat. One of them is to get a no slam lid, which is what we’re currently rockin’ in the Gouveia household. It’s pretty cool because you press it down lightly and it just kind of floats gently down to the bowl. The downside of this is that you get so used to it that when you go to someone else’s house you just casually push the seat down and it nearly breaks with gravity’s force, making an exceptionally loud noise and causing everyone to question what you were doing in there. Very humiliating.

But the suggestion I like the most is that the doctors advise you to leave the toilet seat up. Hallelujah!!! I’ve been personally advocating this for years and MJ has fought me every step of the way. Little did I know the whole time I was leaving the seat up and causing my wife to fall ass first into the cold toilet water when she sleepily gets up to pee in the middle of the night, I was actually saving my son’s life. Well, saving his penis anyway. And any guy knows that thing is our life.

I’m a hero. I’m an advocate of child safety in the home. My inability to remember to put the toilet seat down flat out saves lives. So remember all you moms out there, instead of yelling at your husband for leaving the toilet seat up, praise him instead. He is just looking after the well being of your son.

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11 thoughts on “Penis Crush?!?

  1. I usually put the toilet seat back up when I’m done. I’m one woman in a household of men. Men with piss poor aim. *grin* Shameless, wasn’t it? I know. I find it easier to clean the bathroom if the seat has been consistently left up. Besides, I have a big ass and great reflexes. I don’t fall in.

  2. But your son isn’t potty training yet…maybe this would fly with your wife if Will was training, but I have a feeling you aren’t winning this argument just yet.

  3. How about training little boys to sit down at first or to sit down at when they are not at home? Only people from high male-to-female ratios seem to have this problem. I’ll wager you have no sisters!

  4. My son learned to pee sitting down first…and he does it sometimes when he goes number 2….I agree if this were a household with more men (which now there is) we teach him to put it down because at OTHER people’s houses it’s the polite thing to do…so no old lady or poor little girl takes a bath in toilet water…not suspecting it to be up…

  5. A few days ago I had gotten up in the middle of the night to tinkle. Not bothering to turn on the light, I got an unexpected bath when I went to sit down. Lately my husband has been leaving the seat up, so I gently reminded him to put the seat back down. Wasn’t him ,he said with a big smile, “had to be Victor!” OK…So I was reading about growth charts and this link catches my eye. I have to admit I cringed a little when I first read the title of the article.Ouch! I read the article out loud and we both started laughing at the leave the seat up part because of my recent misadventure. I totally agree with the quiet or slow falling seats.They kick butt. For V3′s urogenital health thats what we’ll be using. As for the male:female ratio. I think if it is an all male household leave the seat up. I have no problem putting a seat back up after I use it (if it doesn’t require hovering).Me, I prefer the lid closed so nothing accidently falls in like my hair brushes. My only real request is that we go with the seat up or we go with it down. Switching it up leds to way too much excitement for me at 3AM.

  6. You could put out those hanging nets with bird feed in them to hang in trees. They seem to go down very well. You can get them in all hardware stores.

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