It’s only been a little more than two years since I’ve dealt with “Knocked Up MJ.” But even though only a couple of years have passed, I seem to have forgotten one very important fact:
Pregnant women are crazy. Seriously fucking nuts.
I swear to all things holy that the following conversation happened this morning verbatim, while I was in the shower and MJ was getting ready for work.
ME: “Hey baby, you look really nice today.”
MJ: “You are such an asshole.”
I swear to you, that’s exactly how it went down. Word for word. She was mad because she thought I was making fun of her and her protruding belly. Even though I’m on the record as saying pregnant women are ridiculously hot and my wife is Queen of the preggo hotness, she thought I was somehow being derogatory. It took me a good five minutes to convince her that all I was doing was telling her she looked really great. And that’s because she’s crazy. Totally batshit crazy.
I completely forgot how mental pregnant women are. Especially during the first trimester.
First of all they can’t stop eating. They must feed. Constantly. And if you don’t feed them or if you stand between them and a meal, they will end your life and eat your soul. NEVER mess with a pregnant chick’s food. But the ironic thing is most of them are also experiencing morning sickness. So on one hand they can’t stop eating, but they also can’t stop throwing up. It’s quite the dichotomy.
Then there’s the phenomenon known as “Pregnancy Brain.”
I’m not making that up, that shit is real. Symptoms include but are not limited to forgetting everything, dropping shit everywhere, mood swings and ALWAYS being tired. Now keep in mind, MJ was already a consummate professional when it comes to losing things like her car keys or debit card. But now that she’s pregnant, I’m going to have to staple the goddamn thing to her forehead. Not to mention she trips over nothing. Honestly. She’ll be walking around the condo and she’ll stumble, but there is no kid’s toy or bunched up carpet in sight. It’s like invisible gnomes are laying trip wire around the house.
But the main thing is that every single emotion MJ is feeling gets ratcheted up to insane proportions. The littlest things become big deals and the big deals become massive, life-ending crises. If you I say something that I think is innocuous but pisses her off, it’s all over. And, if you haven’t learned by now, I say dumb shit all the time that gets me in trouble.
Not to mention pregnant women in their first trimester aren’t known for their raging libidos. We haven’t gotten our freak on since “Bandit” (that’s our official nickname for Baby #2 due to the raccoon incident) was conceived. Which makes me a sexual sniper of sorts. A lonely, frustrated sexual sniper. I finally got up the nerve to proposition MJ for a little lovin’ and she nearly threw up at the thought of it.
Nice to know I still have a way with the ladies.
CHECK OUT FATHERHOOD FRIDAY OVER AT DAD-BLOGS, WHERE I KNOW AT LEAST SOME OF THOSE GUYS FEEL MY PAIN.
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I loved how I could say something and it would set her off. But on the same front I could not say something and it would also set her off.
Oh, and the invisible gnomes and their trip wires, they were the worst.
Good luck with the remaining months.
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can’t win if you do. can’t win if you don’t. this post a peace offering?
There is something to be said about adoption.
ok so is it bad that I laughed my ass off reading this! Having been there…I will tell you those gnomes are real!!!
Living with a pregnant woman is definitely not for the faint of heart. At least you have some experience under your belt. Our child birth class teacher called the forgetting everything phenomenon pregnesia.
This post is exactly why I’m never ever doing this again. Being pregnant, that is. I hope.
Dude, you are way braver than I am. Good luck for the duration of this pregnancy. You will need it.
I sooooooo agree with you. I never even believed in PMS or hormones until i got pregnant. I am a firm believer…it was as if aliens came and kidnapped me leaving a shell of a bitch in my body behind until I had the baby. To make it even worse….I then formed Mommy Brain which took me several years to work my way out of- I couldn’t remember things like…how to fucking get home from the grocery store without stopping to really think about it.
Scary shit – agreed.
We are not nuts!! It just that as women, we pride ourselves on looking great at all times. And part of looking great includes weight. So, it’s kind of hard to believe that you look great when you have this big huge belly sticking out and your ankles are the size of watermelons.
I remember in the beginning of my pregnancy when I go out and people would wonder if I was pregnant or just ate to much at the buffet a little to loudly. It makes you self conscious and frustrated. And since we’re carrying a precious life inside of us it’s not exactly wise to go around picking fights with ignorant people.
So, instead we take our pent up anger out on our loved ones- the innocent bystanders. But that doesn’t make us nuts. Just tired, overwhelmed and oh…pregnant.
You really should have capitalized on this and started your own public access reality show.