Preschool Massage

massageThe good news is Will has quite a way with the ladies. The bad news is Will has quite a way with the ladies.

This double-edged sword has never been brandished more openly than earlier this week when I picked Will up from preschool on my day off. I walked into the room full of swirling preschoolers engaging in cyclonic activity expecting to see my son blurring by me engaged in some game, but I didn’t see him. I peeked left around the corner, but nothing. Curious, I tried the one secluded corner off to the right. That’s where I found him. Or, more accurately, I found THEM.

Will has a girlfriend. Actually he’s got several of them, but only one can be his “official” girlfriend at a time. Whichever one that happens to be is completely dependent on the day of the week. On Monday, it was “Jessica” (name changed), a very adorable little girl a few months older than Will. And apparently wiser.

When I saw them, Jessica was laying down on her stomach facing away from me. My son was partially draped across her so their bodies were making a “T.” And he had both of his hands firmly on her shoulders, contentedly rubbing away like a seasoned masseuse.

I just stood there for a second, neither one of them noticing me. Finally I cleared my throat and when Will saw me he looked remarkably like my dog after I catch her shitting on the carpet. I firmly said “time to go…NOW!” at which point we went and got his coat in the other room where MJ — who saw none of this — was standing. Once we were away from everyone, I started grilling him. The ensuing conversation was equal parts horrific and hysterical.

Me: “Will, what exactly were you doing to Jessica?”
Will: “I…I was giving her a massage,” he said with trepidation.
Me: “Wow. OK. Well first of all, how do you even know what a massage is??”
Will: “I didn’t. Jessica showed — I mean, told me.”
Me: “Which is it? Did she SHOW you or TELL you?”
Will: (sheepishly) “She showed me Dada.”
Me: “How did she show you? Did she touch you?”
Will: “Yes.”
Me: “Where did she touch you?”

Here’s the part where MJ and I swallowed our hearts.

Will: (getting flustered) “I get confused Dad. I think it’s hips. Or shoulders.”
Me: “What?? Point. Point to where she touched you!”
Will: “Shoulders! Shoulders!”
MJ: “And then what happened?”
Will: “I told her I didn’t want to be touched because it’s against the rules. But then I said OK.”
MJ: “If you didn’t want to be touched, then why did you let her touch you?”

Wait for it…

Will: “Because…because…she’s pretty!”
MJ: “So if a pretty girl tells you to do something then you just do it no questions asked?!”
Will: (crying) “YES!!”
Me: “To be fair, he sees me get steamrolled by a pretty girl every single day so we really can’t blame him.”
MJ: “My God. He’s like a pathetic little clone of you.”

We had a long talk with him about keeping hands to yourself and not touching people in school (or anywhere else for that matter). I know it’s a serious topic and he could get in trouble for it at school, but I have two counterarguments to that: 1) Teachers need to either pay more attention or change the name of the place to Happy Endings Preschool, and 2) it’s funny.

When I got Will alone I told him I was disappointed he broke the rules, but that it was a mistake and I understood what it’s like when a pretty girl is talking to you. Then I asked him if he liked it when she rubbed his shoulders. His answer?

“Well, it wasn’t what I expected. I wish she gives me a massage and I don’t have to give her one.”

Preaching to the choir son. Preaching to the choir.

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5 thoughts on “Preschool Massage

  1. Hysterical. Didn’t the fact that he was wearing a smoking jacket to school clue you in to extracurriculars?

    I make jokes about the day when my sweet, innocent daughters (or, more accurately, I) have to confront the reality that humans are sexual animals and I laugh comfortably knowing that day is years from now. Thank you for the knowledge that I have been horribly mistaken. Excuse me while I go back to my daughters’ school and intimidate small children who find themselves too close to my girls.
    Mitchell recently posted..The Boy Scouts and My Gay CoachMy Profile

  2. Mitchell: Unfortunately it’s the girls who seem to be light years ahead of the boys. I love my son but he’s kind of an unwitting follower, and the girls are bossy as all hell. It’s hysterical to watch but also kind of scary how much faster they mature than the boys. I always thought that was just an old wive’s tale, but it’s legit.
    Daddy Files recently posted..Preschool MassageMy Profile

  3. Absolutely hysterical. You’ve got a way with words, very funny.
    I have twin second grade boys and, when I go in to volunteer in the library, I am always surprised how tactile the class is. They lean against each other like puppies often quietly stroking a back or holding hands. It’s weird and totally sweet and innocent.
    And, now that you mention it, a little creepy.
    ihopeiwinatoaster recently posted.."Acion Verbs"My Profile

  4. I had to stifle my laughter as I am at work while reading this. Being a “step-mom” who helped bring up a 19 year old boy from the age of 11, and a soon to be 11 year old girl from the age of 2 1/2, I know that the my step-daughter’s father is supremely happy that she still thinks boys are yucky at this stage and has not been interested in them other than rough housing with them (she’s a tomboy to the max). Boys are definitely followers when it comes to the opposite sex, and yes, we females definitely mature much faster, and these days, at an even more alarming rate. I’m glad that you are taking the time with Will to teach him appropriate behavior at school. And I live vicariously through your blog, waiting for the day when I have my own little cherub that I will have to teach these things to. And hope that I will have some equally hilarious stories to tell. :-)

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