The good news is Will has quite a way with the ladies. The bad news is Will has quite a way with the ladies.
This double-edged sword has never been brandished more openly than earlier this week when I picked Will up from preschool on my day off. I walked into the room full of swirling preschoolers engaging in cyclonic activity expecting to see my son blurring by me engaged in some game, but I didn’t see him. I peeked left around the corner, but nothing. Curious, I tried the one secluded corner off to the right. That’s where I found him. Or, more accurately, I found THEM.
Will has a girlfriend. Actually he’s got several of them, but only one can be his “official” girlfriend at a time. Whichever one that happens to be is completely dependent on the day of the week. On Monday, it was “Jessica” (name changed), a very adorable little girl a few months older than Will. And apparently wiser.
When I saw them, Jessica was laying down on her stomach facing away from me. My son was partially draped across her so their bodies were making a “T.” And he had both of his hands firmly on her shoulders, contentedly rubbing away like a seasoned masseuse.
I just stood there for a second, neither one of them noticing me. Finally I cleared my throat and when Will saw me he looked remarkably like my dog after I catch her shitting on the carpet. I firmly said “time to go…NOW!” at which point we went and got his coat in the other room where MJ — who saw none of this — was standing. Once we were away from everyone, I started grilling him. The ensuing conversation was equal parts horrific and hysterical.
Me: “Will, what exactly were you doing to Jessica?”
Will: “I…I was giving her a massage,” he said with trepidation.
Me: “Wow. OK. Well first of all, how do you even know what a massage is??”
Will: “I didn’t. Jessica showed — I mean, told me.”
Me: “Which is it? Did she SHOW you or TELL you?”
Will: (sheepishly) “She showed me Dada.”
Me: “How did she show you? Did she touch you?”
Me: “Where did she touch you?”
Here’s the part where MJ and I swallowed our hearts.
Will: (getting flustered) “I get confused Dad. I think it’s hips. Or shoulders.”
Me: “What?? Point. Point to where she touched you!”
Will: “Shoulders! Shoulders!”
MJ: “And then what happened?”
Will: “I told her I didn’t want to be touched because it’s against the rules. But then I said OK.”
MJ: “If you didn’t want to be touched, then why did you let her touch you?”
Wait for it…
Will: “Because…because…she’s pretty!”
MJ: “So if a pretty girl tells you to do something then you just do it no questions asked?!”
Will: (crying) “YES!!”
Me: “To be fair, he sees me get steamrolled by a pretty girl every single day so we really can’t blame him.”
MJ: “My God. He’s like a pathetic little clone of you.”
We had a long talk with him about keeping hands to yourself and not touching people in school (or anywhere else for that matter). I know it’s a serious topic and he could get in trouble for it at school, but I have two counterarguments to that: 1) Teachers need to either pay more attention or change the name of the place to Happy Endings Preschool, and 2) it’s funny.
When I got Will alone I told him I was disappointed he broke the rules, but that it was a mistake and I understood what it’s like when a pretty girl is talking to you. Then I asked him if he liked it when she rubbed his shoulders. His answer?
“Well, it wasn’t what I expected. I wish she gives me a massage and I don’t have to give her one.”
Preaching to the choir son. Preaching to the choir.