Raising Boys: Just Put Your Penis Anywhere

willpee

“Will, did you pee in this?”

I knew the answer before my wife asked the question. I was giving Sam a bath when I noticed a horrible smell. It was pungent and stale, and I immediately knew it was piss — I just didn’t know where it was. The toilet water was clear, Sam didn’t let loose in the bath, and all the rugs on the bathroom floor felt dry.

That’s when my eyes settled on the long, white, plastic cylinder I use to fill up with water and wash Sam’s head. And suddenly everything clicked.

I knew Will had peed in it during his shower and just left it there.

I took my findings to MJ before we confronted Will, but she didn’t believe me. Why would anyone piss in a bath toy, she asked. Who would ever think to do that and for what earthly reason? She said it’s crazy, it makes no sense, it’s completely illogical.

But it made sense to me.

When you’re raising boys, you have to know they will be slightly obsessed with their penises and there’s a lot of (ahem) experimentation in our younger years. So, being equipped with a penis and having endured the weird trials and tribulations during my younger years, I told her I get it. You want to see if it’ll fit in there and if you can fill it up with pee or not. But as I told her it made perfect sense to me, she was looking at me like I was the nuttiest person on Earth.

“What other weird crap did you do with your penis?” she asked.

Some things are best left unsaid to your wife. I know this to be true, and discussing the awkwardness of youthful bodily experimentation with your spouse surely makes the list. But since she seemed to be genuinely interested and as it involved our son, I went ahead and allowed her a peek behind the curtain.

“Well, for starters, you put it on just about everything,” I said.

“You put it on things? Like what?” she asked, wearing a look of growing concern.

“Let’s see, I put it on the fridge, in the fridge, counter tops, the table, and I had the ill-advised idea once to use one of those clips you use to close bags of chips. That one didn’t work out so well.”

The look on her face was one of total bewilderment and disgust. Also, outright fear.

“Are you saying my son is going to put his dick on our table and counters,” she asked, wide-eyed.

“If he hasn’t already,” I said.

“God help me,” she said near tears. “Boys are disturbed.”

**********

Confronting Will about it was going to prove tricky because I wanted to be sure we let him know it’s natural to experiment like this when you’re young, but also that it’s not cool to urinate in things we use during bath time to bathe his little brother.

So we sat him down and I began by telling him I had a question for him but in no way would he get in trouble, as long as he tells the truth. We stress honesty above all else and lying brings about punishments far worse than what he’d get for the original offense. After setting that frame work, it was time to delve into the details.

ME: “Will, did you pee in Sam’s bath toy while you were taking a shower?”

WILL: (in all of the wide-eyed innocence a 6-year-old can muster) “WHAT?? No mom and dad. Pee in the shower? No, I didn’t do that. No way, it wasn’t me. Really.”

If I hadn’t found the proof myself I would’ve believed him. He’s that good and he pours on the “Who me??” act like it’s nobody’s business.

ME: “Will, I found Sam’s bath toy filled with pee. I know it wasn’t me, it wasn’t mom, and it certainly wasn’t Sam. And I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the dog. So either someone sneaked into our house and peed in Sam’s bath toy, or you’re lying to me. So please think carefully about what you say next.”

WILL: (realizing he’s screwed) “Ohhhhhh. Wait. Wait a second. Dad…now that you remind me — yeah. Yeah dad, I think that actually was me.”

MJ and I couldn’t help it, we both cracked up laughing. It was as if we asked him whether he forgot to take a phone message or left his toy on the kitchen floor. “Ohhhhhhh, you mean did I pee in Sam’s bath toy during my shower? Yeah. I did that. I totally forgot. My bad.”

While this particular incident is now in the past, the aftershocks will continue to be felt for years.

My poor outnumbered wife — already a clean freak — is on extra high alert now that she thinks every surface in the house is being mushroom-stamped by a house full of degenerate boys. I tried to tell her I’m not alone (enjoy this trip down the Reddit rabbit hole if you really want to laugh/be horrified), but the entire subject is just too foreign to her.

So parents of boys (and guys who are willing to share), what say you? Give me your funniest/craziest/weirdest penis related story.

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35 thoughts on “Raising Boys: Just Put Your Penis Anywhere

  1. Our best penis story was when our son, at age three, decided to pee down the heating vent in our bathroom three days after we moved into our new house. Cleaning it was… fun…

  2. When my 6 year old was almost 3, I had him in the bathtub, and I stepped away for a minute to put something away in the linen closet right next to the bathroom and grab a towel (forgive me for walking away from my son, I could hear him perfectly and was no more than 10 feet away). When I walked back into the bathroom he had an empty shampoo bottle I let him play with in his hand..and his penis in the too of the shampoo bottle. I stood there slightly mortified, and calmly asked what he was doing. He excitedly explained that his pee pee had gotten hard in the tub and that he figured out it fit “just right” into the top of the shampoo bottle. I shook my head and promptly stepped outside the door again so I could laugh my ass off as silently as possible so he didn’t get offended lol

  3. You are out there man. It takes guts to say some of these things to your wife let alone put it on a blog.
    I do remember being in odd places but I don’t know about that other stuff.

  4. Ohhh…. wait. Now that you remind me…

    Perfect. And accurate. And I’m starting to feel uncomfortable with the childhood penis placement memories that this post is conjuring in me.

  5. My only son when he was about 2 peed on his older sister three different times. It is amazing he was allowed to love long enough to out grow it. Yuck!

  6. Mushroom-stamped is my new phrase of the week. So, you know, thanks for that.

    One of my three (!) boys has been more fascinated with his penis than the other two. I can’t think of anything outlandish, but I do recall explaining to my wife that boys do many seemingly strange things with their junk. We/they find comfort in it, experiment with it, etc. I’m not sure what all Freud had to say about it, but I’m sure there’s something about sex or mothers or envy or some such.

    I won’t even share what I did with mine as a kid. Let’s just say peeing in a bath toy is mild. Oh, but I did pee in my grandparents’ bathroom trash can, which was positioned immediately to the right of their toilet. No reason not to pee in the toilet, yet I did it anyway. *shrug*

    Excellent post.
    Chris recently posted..Start small: you need only to loveMy Profile

  7. Chris: Oh hell yeah, I’ve peed in trash cans. And again, for no reason. I think it’s the fact that it’s completely random that’s throwing my wife. And honestly, I have no good explanation for doing it either. It’s just something we do. Don’t know why.

    Thanks for chiming in.
    Daddy Files recently posted..Raising Boys: Just Put Your Penis AnywhereMy Profile

  8. My son has peed in the bottom drawer of our entertainment stand. I think because it was there and he had to pee and was too lazy to walk downstairs to the bathroom. He was pretty shocked that we objected.

  9. One more story: My oldest boy is cognitively impaired. One camping trip, we went to the beach, and he made the sign for bathroom. My wife and I told him he could just pee in the water. That little boy marched himself to the edge of the lake, pulled down his shorts, and started peeing right in front of everyone… in the water. That one was my fault entirely.
    Chris recently posted..Some thoughts on the R-word and what you can doMy Profile

  10. Although my three – year – old has been fully potty trained for ages, he intentionally peed on himself on the daycare playground today. His reason? He was pretending to be a puppy, and puppies pee on themselves outside.
    When my almost ten – year – old wad younger, he liked to flop his on the laptop while watching movies. I told him it wasn’t OK, but he just couldn’t resist – until the day he decided to try to close the laptop on his junk. That ended things quickly.
    Oh, and they were both rather impressed as toddlers to learn that it, um, grows.
    “Look, my peeny’s Hulk!” my older boy exclaimed when he discovered so much. Oy vey.

  11. My middle son was obsessed with his penis and around the age of 2 he would pull his pants down and chase his older brother around the house with it. My youngest son would sit on the sidelines of his brother soccer games and play with his. He was only 2 so everyone giggled and said he was so cute. I had a hell of a time breaking that habit!

  12. Aaron, I’ve never laughed so hard at any of your stories as I have with this one.

    Okay, I laughed at you (scratch that) along with you and the whole pyjama at the bus stop episode (what, you weren’t laughing? Oh. My bad), but this is an utter crack up.

    Now excuse me whilst I go and see if I can fit into vacuum cleaner hose. Nothing bad will come of that, will it?

  13. Best penis story? I raise you a poop story! My son got caught wiping his freshly pooped butt on my clean towels. What’s worse than that? My husband admitting that the incident made him remember doing the exact same thing to his Granny with her fancy wash cloths that were kept in a drawer by the toilet. And he’d fold them up nicely and put them back. Much like how our son nicely but the towel back onto the towel rack after his butt wiping incident. Seriously- WTF is wrong with you penis carrying people?!

    You’re lucky we need you fellas to procreate.

  14. My son’s penis was frequently used as a “laser shooting weapon” of sorts. He would chase his sisters around with it, complete with sound effects.

  15. My sons and husband would also have “gun” battles with their penises. It started one day when my son was naked, turned toward my husband, thrust his junk and made a gun shooting sound. Not to be out shot, my husband promptly dropped his pants and “fired” back. My youngest quickly caught on to this. I’d see three bare asses running around and hear them making gun firing sounds. I always had to tell them it was unfair to shoot the unarmed when they would try to “fire” on me.

  16. My 3 year old son was pulling on his penis quite vigorously. I asked him what he was doing. He replied ‘put in mouth’!

  17. Fascinating and funny how different boys are from girls. Love to chat more about it if you have time, I am doing a paper on the topic of men, boys and their or penises!

  18. Got so many of them. First, I wasn’t circumcised, which is unusual for my time, when most boys my age were, so the foreskin of my peeper was a big topic for me and the boys in preschool and in the neighborhood. Pulling my foreskin back for the first time was one of the most exciting moments of my toddlerhood, seeing how I could make my peeper look like my friend’s. I peed in countless places in the yard, my bedroom, and other parts of the house. A little boy in preschool was going peepee in the trash, and I joined him so I could see his peeper and compare. Speaking of comparing, me and another little boy in preschool, one who was circumcised, went peepee with me in the same toilet and pointed at my peeper saying “hey, you don’t have one of those things around” (meaning that little frilly thing under the glans of a circumcised penis). Got many more, but I’m cracking up now, I’ll get back to u… Lol

  19. We guys are so obsessed with our junk (and I speak from experience), so you’d think we’d pay more attention to keeping it healthy – but we tend not to. More men need to regularly use a quality penis health cream (health professionals recommend Man1 Man Oil) to address issues like dry organ skin, member odor, etc.

  20. Haha…okay now to finish…
    Even though most of the boys in my preschool were circumcised, i do remember there was one boy from another class who was uncircumcised. He was using our bathroom during outside time. He walked over to the potty on the very end (possibly because of foreskin embarrassment) and started pulling his pants down, what I saw next made me very excited, he had a FORESKIN!!! An uncircumcised peeper just like mine! Just that feeling of not being alone made my day. I fumbled over to him as he was peepeeing and pulled out my peeper. I said “Look! Your peeper looks just like mine”. He smiled, probably being happy that he wasn’t alone either. When he finished his peepee, he took a square of tp, touched it to the tip of his peeper making a small wet spot in the middle saying “look what I can do”. I said “cool, look what I can do”, and I pulled my foreskin back revealing that bright red orb we see on all the other boys, he said “wow! Can I do that?” I said “do it!”. And he did it! One of the other boys in the bathroom said “That’s stupid”… argh kids… Lol
    Since then we played on the playground, and in the bathroom together until school ended for the year!!!

  21. Mushroom-stamped? Well, most of the stuff in the house was Banana-stamped until the the foreskin started getting pulled back, then the mushroom-stamping began. lol

  22. My adorable little Nephew staying with me for a week last summer ran into my room and jumped on the bed and said Jimmy turn on TV for me, its cartoon time…. I said ok in a minute, he went back to the tv room. 15 minutes later, he came in and asked again. I ignored him. Such a good little kid he went and waited. The final time he jumps on the bed and says Jimmy if u don’t turn on TV im gonna pee in your ear. I opened my eyes and he had his little wiener aimed and ready to do the deed. Boy did I get up fast. I love this little guy so much, but the stuff he comes up with is just amazing…… Boys are awesome !! A little girl would just bitch and cry. So, if u’ve got it, use it……

  23. I have a 12 yr old and he asked me today if it was normal for his penis to feel tickly inside and the head and I honestly didn’t know how to answer that? So I’m asking is that normal??

  24. I feel a little more normal now after all this stories. I peed in bottles, on my chest while having a shower/bath, in the sink and i even made a hole in my bed mattress to pee on it. I know its weird lol, but i think is good to know that at the same time this is something very frequent when talking about kids and especially boys.

  25. Stupid places with their non gender specific bathrooms with no urinals, I just pee in the sink, its easier than pissing in the toilet and creating all the splashing on my knees, plus its usually just the right height. My buddy came to the bathroom with me and we both peed in the sink together, just seemed natural and more comfortable, and way faster. The penis creates so many useful possibilities, girls have to squat, what a nuisance.

  26. Sons are the best, I have 8 of them, we all shower together in our big gym sized shower with 10 heads, the little guys get to see how they will grow up by looking at their older brothers as they have already grown. No dick shyness, none of this female induced modesty bullcrap. BOYS, all male, all with penises, happy, healthy, and well adjusted in their maleness. I hate what schools are doing to feminize my boys, so I searched for a school where they are required to shower after workout and the boys in this school are all well adjusted NORMAL boys, no bullies, no jerks because they are being allowed to be men and grow up properly. The occasional boner isn’t ridiculed, more like wow, wish mine was that big…. My older ones taught my little ones how to wear their jock and cup, shave their faces when it was time. Women, stay the hell out of the boys business.

  27. Robbie, I’m with you. Women can’t get it; not just moms but female doctors, too. I don’t have anything hilarious to be honest: I enjoy peeing in random, weird places but I hate the smell of urine – most likely because I have cats and theirs is vomit-inducing. I pee in places like the sink or in the woods for that reason, where I don’t have to small it. We camp at a secluded , treeless campground in the state I live – usually about 4 days at a time. It’s got a country road that runs next to it but not a ton of traffic. You can see into the campground easily. They recently renovated their bathhouse (which is exceedingly nice for a campground but definitely still rustic). Nonetheless, we pee right outside the tent, maybe 15 ft away if we’re eating dinner, in the middle of the field, in the river to see who can hit the river the hardest, behind a tree, in bottles and anywhere else you can imagine – except the bathhouse. I am sure the people who drive by are surprised by our … exhibitionism. But as long as it’s all dudes, we legit don’t care. Like Robbie posted. Females require modesty to be practiced so we don’t invite girls.

  28. oh… my friend decided to wake me up during a camping trip by going out to pee on the tent, right where my head was.

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