“Will, did you pee in this?”
I knew the answer before my wife asked the question. I was giving Sam a bath when I noticed a horrible smell. It was pungent and stale, and I immediately knew it was piss — I just didn’t know where it was. The toilet water was clear, Sam didn’t let loose in the bath, and all the rugs on the bathroom floor felt dry.
That’s when my eyes settled on the long, white, plastic cylinder I use to fill up with water and wash Sam’s head. And suddenly everything clicked.
I knew Will had peed in it during his shower and just left it there.
I took my findings to MJ before we confronted Will, but she didn’t believe me. Why would anyone piss in a bath toy, she asked. Who would ever think to do that and for what earthly reason? She said it’s crazy, it makes no sense, it’s completely illogical.
But it made sense to me.
When you’re raising boys, you have to know they will be slightly obsessed with their penises and there’s a lot of (ahem) experimentation in our younger years. So, being equipped with a penis and having endured the weird trials and tribulations during my younger years, I told her I get it. You want to see if it’ll fit in there and if you can fill it up with pee or not. But as I told her it made perfect sense to me, she was looking at me like I was the nuttiest person on Earth.
“What other weird crap did you do with your penis?” she asked.
Some things are best left unsaid to your wife. I know this to be true, and discussing the awkwardness of youthful bodily experimentation with your spouse surely makes the list. But since she seemed to be genuinely interested and as it involved our son, I went ahead and allowed her a peek behind the curtain.
“Well, for starters, you put it on just about everything,” I said.
“You put it on things? Like what?” she asked, wearing a look of growing concern.
“Let’s see, I put it on the fridge, in the fridge, counter tops, the table, and I had the ill-advised idea once to use one of those clips you use to close bags of chips. That one didn’t work out so well.”
The look on her face was one of total bewilderment and disgust. Also, outright fear.
“Are you saying my son is going to put his dick on our table and counters,” she asked, wide-eyed.
“If he hasn’t already,” I said.
“God help me,” she said near tears. “Boys are disturbed.”
Confronting Will about it was going to prove tricky because I wanted to be sure we let him know it’s natural to experiment like this when you’re young, but also that it’s not cool to urinate in things we use during bath time to bathe his little brother.
So we sat him down and I began by telling him I had a question for him but in no way would he get in trouble, as long as he tells the truth. We stress honesty above all else and lying brings about punishments far worse than what he’d get for the original offense. After setting that frame work, it was time to delve into the details.
ME: “Will, did you pee in Sam’s bath toy while you were taking a shower?”
WILL: (in all of the wide-eyed innocence a 6-year-old can muster) “WHAT?? No mom and dad. Pee in the shower? No, I didn’t do that. No way, it wasn’t me. Really.”
If I hadn’t found the proof myself I would’ve believed him. He’s that good and he pours on the “Who me??” act like it’s nobody’s business.
ME: “Will, I found Sam’s bath toy filled with pee. I know it wasn’t me, it wasn’t mom, and it certainly wasn’t Sam. And I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the dog. So either someone sneaked into our house and peed in Sam’s bath toy, or you’re lying to me. So please think carefully about what you say next.”
WILL: (realizing he’s screwed) “Ohhhhhh. Wait. Wait a second. Dad…now that you remind me — yeah. Yeah dad, I think that actually was me.”
MJ and I couldn’t help it, we both cracked up laughing. It was as if we asked him whether he forgot to take a phone message or left his toy on the kitchen floor. “Ohhhhhhh, you mean did I pee in Sam’s bath toy during my shower? Yeah. I did that. I totally forgot. My bad.”
While this particular incident is now in the past, the aftershocks will continue to be felt for years.
My poor outnumbered wife — already a clean freak — is on extra high alert now that she thinks every surface in the house is being mushroom-stamped by a house full of degenerate boys. I tried to tell her I’m not alone (enjoy this trip down the Reddit rabbit hole if you really want to laugh/be horrified), but the entire subject is just too foreign to her.
So parents of boys (and guys who are willing to share), what say you? Give me your funniest/craziest/weirdest penis related story.