This post also appeared on www.capecodonline.com/blogs in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.
I reconnected with an old friend through MySpace (or as I like to call it, Stalker’s Paradise) and we began catching up on each other’s lives. We hadn’t seen each other since college, so there was a lot to talk about.
So I wrote about getting married to MJ, buying a house, starting a family, my two dogs, getting back into shape, working in a position I really enjoy, etc. You know, all the standard stuff about my life. But I was a little surprised when I received an e-mail back from this person with a curious response. While she was definitely happy for me, she was also beyond surprised at my situation. Her exact quote was “Happily married with a kid, a house and dogs while going to the gym? What happened to you??”
And that’s when I realized how much I have changed in almost every single aspect over the years. I forgot this person hasn’t known me since college, and let me tell you folks…I was COMPLETELY different in college (and even a couple of years out of school) than I am now. But I didn’t realize how different until this person expressed her shock and awe that I wasn’t dead, divorced or in an alcohol induced coma.
I’ll be honest…I used to be a real jerk. And that’s putting it lightly. In high school I was the nicest kid around. I never drank, smoked or did drugs. Any trouble I did get into was run of the mill teenage shenanigans. I had one long-term girlfriend in high school and I had to date girls from a different school because I couldn’t get anyone in my own school to date me. They all said I was too nice. And they were right. If I liked a girl I’d write her poetry and leave it in her locker. I was always met with a pitiful hug and the all-too-familiar phrase “You’re so adorable but we’re such good friends.” It also didn’t help that my three best friends were intelligent, super jocks who garnered all the female attention. Craig was captain of the baseball team and also played football and basketball. Eric was captain of the football and basketball team. Jeff was captain of the soccer team. Meanwhile yours truly played JV basketball, baseball and soccer. I had to switch to cross-country and tennis to gain varsity status, because those programs didn’t have enough players to compete. And the one girl I lusted after, pined for and borderline stalked was Nicole Green. And the worst possible thing on Earth happened between me and Nicole: we became best friends. There is nothing worse than being the non-threatening, platonic male friend. It’s a level of hell I wouldn’t wish on anybody.
But I digress…
So college rolls around and a funny things happens…I become my own person. I’m out of my friends’ shadows and lo and behold, Aaron gets some female attention. Now mind you, I had pledged my eternal love to my high school sweetheart. We had been dating for a year and a half and we both swore that college would not separate us. Because our love was stronger than time and distance. We were meant to be together and we even had our house picked out and our kids names chosen. Well…that lasted a grand total of four days. That’s when I met Robyn, my first girlfriend at college, and broke up with Terri. But even when I was dating Robyn, I met Jamie. And Jamie told me (in no uncertain terms) that she was interested in me too. I couldn’t believe it! And then I did something I had never done before: I cheated. I fooled around with Jamie while I was dating Robyn. At first I felt bad, but the second time I did it that feeling faded. By the 10th or 11th time it was just a nagging afterthought. And from there on out, I never thought twice about it.
I felt like this newfound female attention was owed to me after suffering for so long in high school. Same with the booze and the parties! I had to make up for lost time. I didn’t realize how much of a jackass I was being, but I proceeded to cheat on every single girlfriend I had. All through college and right up to MJ, I was a philandering son-of-a-bitch. And I was evil about it too. If my girlfriend got suspicious and asked me about it, I’d throw a fit and turn the whole thing around on her. And if the girl I was cheating with thought about making our secret relationship known, I’d remind her how small our college was and how hard it is to get rid of the “slut” reputation. And when I wasn’t fornicating, I was busy partying and drinking with my friends whenever I wanted. I know for a fact I hurt some pretty great people in the process, but at the time I just didn’t care.
So when I started dating MJ, I was legitimately worried that I wouldn’t know how to be a good boyfriend. I had been a dick for so long I didn’t know if I could stop. But I knew she was the one right from our first kiss, and despite some ups and downs, our relationship fluorished and we were engaged in Jan. 2005 after dating for only 8 months. And even though I had made big improvements in my personal life, I still wondered — if put to an extreme test — would I be able to stay true to MJ.
That test came on July 3, 2005. It was a true crossroads in my life. We had just agreed to buy the condo we’re living in now, and I was staying with some friends on the Cape in a rented house, while MJ was away for the weekend. There were a few guys and a few girls just hanging out drinking. A few attractive girls. Very attractive girls. As the night went on and we all got a little tipsy, someone had the idea to go skinny dipping. Very attractive NAKED girls. And one had a Red Sox tattoo in a naughty place!! When we got back to the house I went out to the back deck and the girls were gone. I began looking for them when all of a sudden I heard the outdoor shower running. “Hello?” I asked nervously wondering who was in there. All of a sudden the door swung open, and I stopped breathing.
It was the two girls! In the shower! Sans clothing! And they were kissing each other! And inviting me in with them!
Ask guys what their biggest dream in life is and you’ll probably get a variety of answers. Having a family, being successful, making money, etc. This is all bullshit. The dream of every single heterosexual male is to be involved in a three-way with two hot, drunk girls in an outdoor shower. And here was my chance to live the dream. The gates to the Promised Land had opened wide for me, and the view was spectacular. Finally. I had made it. I was home.
So why wouldn’t my legs work?
Try as I might, it was like I was rooted in cement. I couldn’t move forward. I had two horny, temporarily bi-curious temptresses attempting to give me a night I would never forget, and what did I do?
I thought of MJ, my fiance. And then I walked away. Sure I walked away cursing her name and proceeded to chain smoke a pack of cigarettes, but I walked away. Surely I would’ve had a memorable night had I entered that shower, but as it turned out, I had a different kind of unforgettable experience. I realized I never want to do anything to jeopardize my relationship with MJ, and now I have a happy family who I love more than anything. So I guess THAT’S what happened to me and that night proved to be the turning point in my life. If I had given in, who knows if I’m a husband or a father right now. And MJ and Will are more important to me than all the super-hot, morally uninhibited, dripping wet, completely naked girls on Earth.
I did stand on a chair and peek over the top of the shower though. After all, I’m only human.