Romance After a Baby?

Last Thursday was a good day.

On Wednesday night, MJ and I made it a point to schedule some “adult time” on Thursday. And by “adult time” I mean sandwiches baby! First of all, how depressing is it that carnal relations needs to be scheduled? Just like the dentist and the pediatrician. But you parents out there know it’s also necessary. And if you’re one of those couples who still gets freaky on a regular basis even after becoming parents…fuck you. Seriously, fuck you right in your face. And stop lying.

So, getting back to our regularly scheduled nookie. Despite lacking spontaneity, I was sufficiently pumped about this because frankly, it had been a while. And when my awesome wife surprised with me some suggestive text messages during the day, “sufficiently pumped” turned into “drooling like a maniacal fiend.” By the time I got home it was all I could do not to just toss Will into the crib and drag MJ off into the bedroom a la my caveman ancestors.

But in excruciating parental fashion, we had to wait until Will had dinner, the dog was fed and walked, Will got a bath, we read him his bedtime stories, etc. When you have a kid you don’t do anything spontaneously. There’s a routine for everything and you follow it or you pay for it later. So even though I was looking at MJ like a piece of filet mignon, I had to wait until the little guy was ready for bed.

After what seemed like forever, I tore off my clothes and ran like an overexcited teenager we calmly adjourned to the bedroom. Honestly, at this point I was no better than a dog who had been tied to a leash and starved of any and all female attention for prolonged periods of time. In other words, I started groping my wife more excitedly than Mackenzie Phillips on Father’s Day (what? Too soon??).

Things were going swimmingly (or so I thought), and just as I was ready to go nuclear, I was stopped dead in my tracks by MJ.

MJ: “You know, I’m not a piece of meat.”

I didn’t respond or really hear her for that matter, because all that was going through my head was “BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES NAKED WIFE BOOBIES!”

MJ: “Hey! Did you hear me?”

ME: (realizing she’s talking but not registering the words) “Yeah baby, you’re so hot!”

MJ: (getting irritated) “Seriously, why do you have to grope me like an animal?”

ME: (also getting irritated) “Because you’re so hot I can’t help myself. It’s a compliment. Now where were we?”

At this point she elbowed me in the stomach which I’ve come to learn is my cue for getting the hell off of her. She went on to tell me that she likes a little romance. I told her I thought we covered the romance part with the text messages earlier in the day and 30 seconds ago when I told her she was hot. But apparently we have different ideas of romance.

At that point I tried to tell her that I simply display my feelings in a more physical way. My constant pawing and groping is a huge compliment. Because if I wasn’t interested or if I didn’t think she was smokin’ hot, I wouldn’t bother. I’m not sure how she can’t see my perfectly logical explanation but she didn’t, and so I asked her what she wanted. Because at that point in time, I would’ve done just about anything. And that’s when things went bad.

MJ: “Well, I like a little flirting and snuggling.”

ME: “I like that stuff too.”

MJ: “Yeah but you only like it if it leads to sex.”

ME: “Well…yeah. Obviously. Why bother if it doesn’t lead to sex?”

MJ: “See!?! That’s what I’m talking about!”

ME: “What?? OK, OK…hang on a minute. Just tell me what you want. Tell me what you’re looking for here.”

MJ: “OK. So think back to when you were dating a girl for a couple of months, you know, before you slept with her, and try to remember how you’d touch her. You’d still be a little shy and you wouldn’t know exactly how far you could go. You know what I mean?”

(I should’ve said yes. I should’ve just gone along with it. But before I could harness my brain, my mouth was already moving.)

ME: “No, I have no idea what you mean! I’ve never been with someone for TWO MONTHS and not slept with them. Are you crazy?? Who’s with someone for two months and not having sex? That’s fucking nuts!”

MJ: “Wow. I married a pig.”

(Brain still not catching up to mouth)

ME: “And I apparently I married a c*ck tease.”

Look, I know how this makes me look. And I won’t apologize for ANY of it. Because dammit, when you become a parent things change where sex is concerned. Instead of lighting some candles and her putting on some lingerie, sex is a game of Beat the Clock. You have to get the baby to bed and try to do it before he wakes up. “Making a special effort” means not wearing clothes with spit up, baby food or toddler excrement on it to bed. Do it before the dog jumps back on the bed and starts licking you inappropriately mid-coitus, or the cat takes up residence on your back.

Scented candles and soft music really aren’t an option anymore except for special occasions. And the dog would eat any rose petals I laid out on the bed and I’d end up cleaning dog vomit off the comforter. Sure once in a while we’ll have a night or two without Will, but even then it’s tough.

Having a kid is physically fucking exhausting. MJ doesn’t even get home from work until 7:30 p.m. most nights, and since she’s usually in her sweatpants and asleep by 9 p.m. that leaves precious little time. It really boils down to a 30-minute window from the time Will goes to bed at 8:30 p.m. to the time MJ goes down for the count at 9. And that’s only if there’s nothing good on TV that night (I wish we could afford DVR!).

So that is the reason I act like I do. And frankly, I’m of the opinion my wife — and all women — should be flattered by this behavior. Because this is a guy’s way of telling you we long for you, we pine for you, we’d run through walls to be with you. And we’re so passionate about you that we literally can’t stop ourselves from touching/grabbing/groping you.

If that’s not romantic I don’t know what is!

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15 thoughts on “Romance After a Baby?

  1. First off I sort of feel like I should leave this comment anonymously, but I guess if you have the balls to post the stuff you do, I can too.

    Second, and I’ll take the “Fuck you” and I am not lying. I am married and have a crazy good sex life. Sometimes I think it is the saving grace of our marriage. We have sex at a minimum of twice a week but 5 or 6 time is not unheard of, and I think the key is NOT scheduling it. It does require some middle of the night romps, but I think sacrificing an hour or two of sleep is well worth it. I mean I think sex is an actual pyhsical (and mental) need.
    Let MJ go to bed at 9 or whatever and then wake her up (gently) at 2 AM.
    I also find that the longer you go without sex the longer you can go without it and the more you have it the more you want/need it.
    I will say that there is a problem that for men, any fooling around must end in sex or they get pissed. For women, they can fool around and then be OK with not “finishing” the deed until later. My advice for married people is always to practice random acts of oral kindness. It works like a charm. The kids watching a movie? I’ll “perform” for 5 or 10 mins, and then let him know we’ll finish later. Drives him crazy, yes, but he also knows he’s getting it later and he can’t wait for later. The anticipation drives him crazy and keeps the sparks alive. I am always amazed at how many married people have an awful sex life.

    Lastly, who the hell dates someone for two months and doesn’t have sex??!!!?

  2. Jules, you guys rock. I still hate you, but it’s a hate born from admiration! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    But you’re right. Maybe it’s just a gender thing.

  3. great post! a few years back I got mad at my woman over this very same subject and screamed that i was sick of being third in line for attention (2 kids) and she replied that she was sick of being fourth…it gets better as the kids get older, trust me on this.

  4. I also will take the fuck you. And no, I’m not lying. I have found that despite the fact that having a 17 month old kid (or 6 month, or 12 month, or whatever stage you’re in) is tiring and busy and sometimes makes me completely yearn for sleep more than anything else in the whole world, that sex is (as Jules said) a very real physical and mental need. I really need it and so does my husband. So we find time. We’ve been finding even more time lately (at least 4 times a week!) because we started having family dinners, which makes us eat dinner earlier and have time for nookie before we are so exhausted we crap out. But I think in our sex life the lines are a little more blurred than yours. I, on occasion, would like to make out with my husband without him expecting it to lead to nakedness. I do like flirting and especially teasing hours before we can actually do anything. That being said, if my husband is groping me like an animal, I do indeed take it as a compliment. I want him to be so crazy about me he can’t help himself ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’m sorry for you and MJ. Jules is right about the middle of the night nookie. I also am a big fan of afternoon nap nookie (on the weekends).

  5. Jules does rock.

    I totally agree with the ‘beat the clock’ game. Now that both of mine seem to lay down and go to sleep the world is my oyster but I so remember the days you are refering to!!!!! Of course my situation was different as I couldn’t stand for my husband to touch me because he never helped with anything. I couldn’t figure out how to justify giving any more of myself than I already was – hence we are divorced now. (But again we are happily divorced and for now have retained our friendship….for now).

    I can see that situtation if you didn’t help or weren’t an involved father BUT I KNOW you ARE. Soooo….. I can’t help you much but thought I had to say ‘great post- highly entertaining’!

    I’m not a romantic female ( I even ban Valentines day every year ) so I can’t help with the whole ‘why women think like they do’ issue. I’m a groping person myself I suppose.

  6. favorite quote of the day: “happily divorced”, LMAO!

    Also wanted to say Aaron, call up your cable provider and demand (yup, deman) free DVR. I did and it was simple. I know get the $14.95 monthly DVR charge credited back on every statement. Tell them if they won’t you will switch to someone who does…

  7. I’d like to leave you an appropriately witty comment but after staying up all night having crazy wake the neighbors money shot sex, I’m just too tired.

  8. So, I guess I also get a fuck you, and have to tell you I’m not lying. I have an 8 year old step daughter, a 4 year old son, and a 4 week old son. My wife and I have an active and satisfying sex life. We had sex up to 11 days before our son was born (with a 4 and 8 year old in the house). And now, my wife is literally counting down the days to 6 weeks after our newest was born, so we may resume.

    But as others pointed out, it takes creative scheduling. My wife works early mornings (4am), I work late nights (off at midnight). I’ll go to bed at 2:30, and wake her up early. On my days off, she’ll wake me up with some romance. Occasionally, I’ll “tuck her in” at 8, and then get back out of bed while she sleeps. We also like to have mid afternoon quickies.

    Having kids is exhausting. It gets worse, the more you have. But having relations with your lady is important. Personally, I suggest not scheduling them. I don’t care for that. I’d feel like I have to perform. I like spontaneous make-out session more.

  9. The way you explained things, I totally understand where you are and can appreciate you on the male side. Too bad MJ can’t read this and understand that you want her BAD!!! She would then appreciate this. But on MJ’s side I understand where she is too! During the course of the day. Call her and tell her “sweet nothings” then when she gets home. Hug her, stroke her arms, rub her neck (NOT ALL AT THE SAME TIME) and let her feel like she is sexy and you want her. This builds up for her your wants and desires for her and she will appreciate this and love you more. Then it is a win-win for you both. Try it – you’ll like it ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. This has got to be one of the best articles I’ve read. I’m just cracking up here. I plan on having my wife read this to get her reaction.

    I can totally relate, because she’s always tired for one reason or another, and with work, kids and stuff, there’s never much time. I’ve been called a pig several times.

  11. Every body knows that modern life is not very cheap, nevertheless some people require money for different stuff and not every person earns big sums cash. Therefore to get fast personal loans or just financial loan would be a right solution.

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