Shut Up Gisele!

I know you’ve all been in this situation before.

You have a buddy, a great guy (reverse gender if you’re penis-deficient) who you love to hang out with. He’s fun, he’s smart and everyone likes him. He’s the life of the party. If he were a rug in The Dude’s house he’d really tie the room together. You catch my drift.

But then Capt. Cool Friend gets a girlfriend. At first you’re excited because she’s super hot. Blindingly hot. The level of hot where you can’t look at her without getting a little uncomfortable in the pants. And for five seconds you’re more envious of that friend for landing such a gorgeous woman than you’ve ever been of anyone else in your life.

But then she opens her mouth. And suddenly you’d rather sever both your ears than listen to one more narcissistic word from her perfectly formed lips.

Gisele Bundchen.

I’m not friends with Tom Brady. But I have been a psychotic fan of the New England Patriots since birth, and because Tom Terrific brought me three Super Bowl trophies I long ago declared my ever-lasting man love for him. And for a long time, he was perfect. The only thing he did wrong was date Tara Reid for a short time, ruining the 2002 season. Even when Bridget Moynihan pulled the goalie on him in late 2006, saddling him with a kid despite their break-up, I didn’t hold it against him. Tommy Boy could do no wrong.

Until he married that twat Gisele.

She is a Victoria’s Secret supermodel. She is 1,000 different flavors of gorgeous. She oozes sex. So needless to say, at first I was happy for him. The best quarterback in the NFL marrying the most successful and beautiful supermodel of all time? It made sense. And all the male (and surely some of the female) fans idolized him even more than they already did. Just imagine what life would be like, we thought, with Gisele Bundchen to come home to every night.

But as it turns out, it would be a nightmare.

Gisele became a mother for the first time last December. Since then, she has opined on nearly every hot button parenting topic. Most recently, she told Harpers Bazaar UK, that breastfeeding helped her keep her figure. Which is all well and good, but Gisele took it juuuuuust a little too far.

“Some people here (in the US) think they don’t have to breastfeed, and I think ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your child when they are so little?’ I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.”

Look, I’m pro-breastfeeding. OK? I think breastfeeding is a good thing. The healthiest thing. Got it? Gooooo breastfeeding. But being an advocate for breastfeeding is one thing, tearing down non-breastfeeding mothers by insinuating they are chemically poisoning their offspring is something else entirely. And then suggesting a ridiculous “worldwide law” to FORCE all mothers to mirror all-knowing Gisele the supermodel, is on a whole other crazy planet.

What about the mothers who try their damndest to breastfeed but can’t? Or the ones who simply hate it? There are a myriad of reasons a woman might not breastfeed, but whatever that reason is I can guarantee you one thing: it’s none of Mrs. Tom Brady’s fucking business.

Although I was initially shocked to read Gisele’s comments, I quickly realized I shouldn’t be surprised. You see, this is not the first time she’s stuffed her perfectly manicured foot into her gaping runway of a mouth.

Shortly after her son was born, Gisele spilled all the details of the delivery and the weeks leading up to it. How she gave birth at home. How she gave birth naturally, meditating the entire time without uttering so much as a scream. Then — and I’m willing to bet this made most women consider hiring a hitman to hunt Gisele down — she was back modeling on the runway just weeks after giving birth with her flawless body back intact. And in addition to yoga and doing kung fu right up until her son was born, here’s her big secret:

“I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds.”

And then, two months ago, Supermom told the Boston Herald that her then 6-month-old son was — wait for it — potty trained. I’m serious. She said a 6-month-old was already dropping regular deuces in the potty.

Mmm hmmm. Sure. What’s not believable about that?? First she only gains 30 lbs because she didn’t become a fat ass garbage disposal like most women. I’m sure that had nothing to do with the fact that she makes 80 kajillion dollars a second and can afford her own cooks. Her own army of gourmet chefs actually. Then she has a pain-free delivery made enjoyable by meditation. Reports are she made pancakes for breakfast the next day. Next she loses any trace of the baby weight in .84 seconds after giving birth and gets back on the runway. Yet she still has enough time to needlessly potty train an infant. And now she has proclaimed herself a “world legislator,” creating laws for all of womankind to follow her in her perfect ways.

All Hail Queen Gisele!

Now look, I’m all for breastfeeding. And good for her for losing the baby weight so quickly. But keep in mind, beauty is her profession. She has to look that good or else the well dries up. Not to mention the vats of money she and Tom have to spend on trainers, health food, etc. I also think 6 months is absurdly early to potty train a kid, but to each his own. And she said she wants to live on a farm with Tom, Baby Ben, and lots of chickens and ducks. That’s fine, although Tom may prefer goats.

The problem I have with Gisele isn’t her actions, it’s her know-it-all, holier-than-thou attitude and the seemingly perpetual need to reign supreme over the rest of the parenting world.

So even though I’m just a peon, I’d like to make my own law. I think all leggy supermodels who are traveling down this road called parenting for the first time like the rest of us, should shut their uppity mouths when they only have a few months experience on the job. And in this case, I think said supermodel should concentrate all of her energies on keeping my star QB happy so the Patriots can roll to a fourth Super Bowl.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to tend to my non-potty trained, formula-fed 2-year-old who was brought into this world by a drugged up mama who gained considerably more than 30 lbs during pregnancy, but still managed to remain the hottest bitch this side of the Cape Cod Canal.

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38 thoughts on “Shut Up Gisele!

  1. I am with you all the way here with the exception of the phrase “penis-deficient”. What the hell? I love your blog and all your goodness and your regular use of the word ‘twat’. Deficient has a decidedly negative conotation. I hope Gisele doesn’t see that. She’s is so a twat. And her baby’s not trained, she is. It’s not rocket science. If you figure out when the baby is going each day, you take him to the potty. He goes along with it because his mom is a fucking supermodel and she’s probably bent over with her buffet on display.

    Twat. Through and through.

    Proudly penis-less and vagina-rrific.

  2. I am with you all the way. I tried breast feeding for 4 days, I was set on doing it, I wanted to do it. After a c-section and coming home from the hospital I tried but it hurt. It hurt me, I was tired and my son was frustrated. I thought I would just try to give him some formula so he was full and I could get some rest. Well that was it, he wanted the formula and mama was not hurting. It all worked out in the end for us.

    A month after I stopped I developed a DVT and Pulmonary Embolism from my c-secion. I was rushed into the hospital and started on blood thinners ASAP. From then on they told me I could not breast feed anymore because of all the thinners I was going to be on. I was in the hospital for a total of 12 days, my husband taking care of a 1 month old. Thank goodness I switched when I did, because if not could you imagine my husband trying to get our son to take a bottle on top of everything else going on!

    Everything works out for a reason, and for someone to look down on someone else for their choices makes me sick. To each their own.

  3. I think, in general, moms are the worst critics of other moms whether they are barely pregnant or have a bunch of kids. It sucks because we all know how hard it is and it makes no sense to tear others down for their choices that differ from yours.

    I LOVED my epidural during both my labors and cannot imagine any amount of meditation making labor pleasant. I LOVED breastfeeding and hope to do it at least a year with my 2nd as I did with my 1st but I know friends who couldn’t though they tried their hardest. I HATED gaining 43 lbs while being pregnant this time but I had evil morning sickness and would barf if I was running on empty at all so I snacked all day between meals and gained 10 lbs in the 1st 12 weeks (big no no).

    I also think celebrities have too many people who value their opinions for whatever reason and assume having money and fame makes them more informed or more important.

  4. i was going to do a post on this myself, but i can’t be bothered w gisele lol anyways, i agree…i don’t think she should make other moms feel inferior for not breastfeeding or having all natural birth. some kids never latch on like my oldest, by the time my 3rd came around, i just did what was best for me and bottle-fed despite breastfeeding the 2nd one. everyone’s birth stories are different because women are different. that whole potty training at 6 mos things is some thing she’s following that some other parents find normal. too each their own, she doesn’t have to tell the rest of us how we should do things.

  5. The reality is that most women want to breastfeed and most people agree it’s the best thing for baby, but most women have no support, starting at the hospital. And even if they do get good support in the hospital(and it’s always much harder than the books let on), then by the time everythign gets straightened out, the six weeks of maternity leave are over (if one is so lucky as to have maternity leave) and it’s all about pumping and dealing with various levels of hostile work situations…the point is there’s a much larger problem here. Blaming women is not the way to make advances on the breastfeeding front. Telling women who formula feed that they are poisoning their children does no one any good and only makes people hostile toward those of us that are working for the cause, as it were.

    Gisele also said something about how great being in labor was a few months ago. In another part of this current interview she says that she prepared her body for labor, more than insinuating that most women don’t. I suffer fools, but she really gets under my skin.

  6. Ha! This post had me in giggles the whole time.

    I think many parents tout their way as THE BEST WAY of parenting. Parenting is the most difficult role we play, as human beings, so if things are working out good the first several months, we’re pretty damn proud of it. This couple obviously has lots of help and yes, she is feeling pretty proud of what she’s been able to accomplish so far. In no way is she going to share the hard times, the lack of sleep, the frustrations… well, wait a minute… this kid is how old?

    Yeah, let’s give her a couple more years…

  7. I am surprised she hasn’t brought up her views on circumcision… I am not up on what celeb mom’s are dishing out for assvice, but hell it bugs the crap outta me too. I breast fed my son and for the first few months I hated it! They day he drank formula I cried a sigh of relief. So I did both. My son, not potty trained or anywhere near it. I am sure what she views as potty trained is her watching his ques and holding him over the shitter.

  8. Man face just needs to keep her mouth shut. Poor, poor Tom. Between the new hairdo and her he’s must be miserable.

  9. i adore you more and more with every single damn post you write.

    ps- recaptcha words: “weiner was”

    pps- what’s up with your strange recaptcha words? do you get to choose these? and why do i always get the strange ones?

  10. Thanks nic.

    My recaptcha words are intuitive. They harness the brain waves of the commenter and suggest the words you’re already thinking about. Apparently you’re either contemplating hot dogs or you have male genitalia on the brain! 😉

  11. No offense to the know-it-all first time moms but you can’t toilet train a six month old. The child needs to have an understanding of their body first and I have yet heard of any infact that can communicate that they need to poop or pee. That she thinks she knows everything is not unusual for a celebrity who is told they are the center of the unvierse everyday and make millions for walking half-naked down a runway.

    She doesn’t want chemicals in her child,so I suppose medicines are out and she is using organix leaves for diapers.

  12. I agree totally with this post. Gisele often sounds self-righteous in interviews, and this was certainly no exception. I just don’t understand how she (or anyone, really) can take what was a positive individual experience for her and think she somehow is qualified to apply that as universal law. It’s wonderful that she had such amazing pregnancy/birthing/breastfeeding experiences; the problem is her superior attitude about it and the insinuation that she somehow knows what is best for every other woman in the world. I gave birth via c-section in a hospital (after 23+ hours of labor, some of which were accompanied by an epidural), followed by four days in a very contemporary recovery suite, and while that is my experience, I certainly wouldn’t go around proclaiming that home births are archaic and there should be a law that all women must deliver their babies in hospitals.

  13. “I understand that he has a mom, and I respect that, but to me it’s not like because somebody else delivered him, that’s not my child. I feel it is, 100 percent. I want him to have a great relationship with his mom, because that’s important, but I love him the same way as if he were mine.” – Gizzy on Toms baby with Bridget Moynahan.

    If I were Bridget, I’d punch her in the throat over that bullshit. Maybe Tom should have taken them on Maury to find out who really is the mother.

    Captcha…Quagmire and
    Giggity, giggity

  14. I was also not able to breastfeed my son, and I wanted too so badly. He was a c-section baby who needed to go to the NICU after birth (nothing major, he was there for a total of 10 minutes, he just had some excess fluid in his lungs which is common in section babies.) But, while he was in the NICU, they gave him a bottle. He wanted nothing to do with me or my breasts. Not to mention, the hospitals lactation consultant was a total joke. She didn’t get to me until days after I had given birth, and when my son wouldn’t latch, she promptly announced that he wasn’t hungry and left. When he wouldn’t stop crying, I gave him a bottle – he was starving. I tried to pump and kept it up for a few months, but I needed tests and surgeries afterwards, so the combination of medicines and hospitals stays made it impossible. I still kick myself over not being able to breastfeed, but I tried.

    Parent’s in general tend to be know-it-all’s. My friend asked for advice from me one day – her son was born 3 months after mine. She said she liked my advice best because I never got angry when she didn’t take it – some of her other friends would get pissed. I told her, I can only tell you what works best for my child and my family. Parenting isn’t one size fits all, and there are things you swore you’d never do that you end up doing because it’s what your child needs. Like when my son wouldn’t sleep and the doctors told us to cry it out. I tried every other method I could find that was no-cry. None of them worked. My son, husband and I were all exhausted, so finally I gave in. One night was all it took. Some kids need certain things, others do not.

  15. Most of these stars have lived in their own little world so long they don’t know what the real world is like out here for the rest of us. I wish they would just shut the hell up instead of using their fame as a platform to educate all us lesser people. Good luck keeping her from ruining Brady altogether.

  16. Ugh, what a twatwaffle. Seriously. Add her to the list of ppl that I must bitchslap. How bout this miss thang….you worry about your ta-ta’s and Ill worry about mine.
    Some women should just shut the fuck up and look pretty ok, clearly that is their only purpose.

  17. “mama who gained considerably more than 30 lbs during pregnancy, but still managed to remain the hottest bitch this side of the Cape Cod Canal.”

    I really hope my husband thought that too – b/c I gained considerably more than 30lbs also – in fact by my first OB appt I’d gained 35lbs. Sigh.

    If I had personal trainers, chefs, housekeepers, and tons of money it’d be very easy to do everything just the same way she does – so maybe with this law she’s passing, she’ll also dish out some money or free housekeeping?

    as tot he infant potty training – well I gotta tell you – which would you rather be – the parent who is trained and doesn’t have to clean a dirty/wet diaper from 6 months on – or the one who’s still cleaning up the 3 yr olds butt? Personally, after DD1 wasn’t showing any interest in the potty I decided to follow the cues of DD2 – and by 6 months she clearly ‘told’ us when she needed to go – she then potty trained dd2 for us – much easier. Now with #3 on the way I’m happy to know there will only be one bum to clean up – and will hopefully be able to follow this ones cues as well as we did with DD2.

  18. Sarah: I hate diapers as much as the next guy. But to me, potty training a 6-month-old is about as useful as teaching him to drive an 18-wheeler. I know some people swear you can do it, but I just don’t buy it. I do not believe you can potty train a 6-month-old. I’ve read the articles and talked to people who swear by it, but I DO NOT BUY IT.

    Just my personal opinion.

    Even if it was a possibility, what good is potty training a kid before he/she can even walk? It just doesn’t compute.

  19. thats how I feel about potty training a kid who can’t yet undo their pants or climb up to the toilet on their own…no pressure on when you train your kid unless you need them in a place requiring potty training…

  20. Hahahah, you sure know how to end a post. 🙂

    You can potty train infants – it works sort of like Pavlov’s dogs (for real, I’ve seen proof). The thing is, it’s fucking pointless because an infant can’t walk himself to the bathroom. You have to take them several times a day, right on time, or they piss their pants anyway (for real, I’ve seen proof). Complete waste of time, in my opinion.

    I followed a strict nutritional plan when I was pregnant with my son and I gained 56 pounds anyway. Pregnant with my daughter I ate whatever I wanted and I gained 53 pounds. I think women gain what they gain, regardless of diet. People put waaaay too much emphasis on how much a woman gains during pregnancy.

    Fucking Gisele. I really do want to punch her in the face.

  21. You sure know how to end a post! 🙂

    You can potty train an infant – it works sort of like Pavlov’s dogs (for real, I’ve seen proof). The thing is, it’s fucking pointless to potty train a kid that cannot even walk himself to the bathroom. You have to take them several (SEVERAL) times a day, right on time, or they piss their pants anyway (for real, I’ve seen proof).

    I followed a strict nutrition plan when I was pregnant with my first kid and I gained 56 pound anyhow. With my second, I ate whatever I wanted to and I gained 53 pounds. I think that women gain what they gain, regardless of diet. Of course it’s better for those pounds to be HEALTHY pounds, but whatever. I think there is FAR too much emphasis on how much women gain during pregnancies. It’s ridiculous.

    Fucking Gisele. I really do want to punch her in the face.

  22. That was hilarious. But your statement, “I think all leggy supermodels who are traveling down this road called parenting for the first time like the rest of us, should shut their uppity mouths” doesn’t just apply to supermodels but other skinny women who can’t shut their uppity mouths.

  23. I have been a fan of breast feeding my entire life. In fact I have found that it helps me maintain my svelte figure too- it is that whole liquid diet thing. But I have to tell you that I am not surprised to hear/read any of the things she says because to live in Boston or root for Boston teams means you are one of three kinds of crazy and or stupid.

    She just happens to be stupid and crazy and very lucky to be attractive. Because without her looks she wouldn’t be living that life.

  24. Aaron- I’d like to thank you for this post. My son will be 2 this month and at the time of his birth, I was fully prepared for breastfeeding. But what no one prepares you for is that there is a possibility it won’t work. We had a visiting nurse come to the house (provided by the hospital) to check on our little man only days after we were home. He had dropped weight so they scheduled another appointment, came back and he was continuting to lose weight. I was breastfeeding and he was probably nursing several times a day. Perplexing they kept saying. They started me on pumping and trying to feed him a bottle and substitute formula (which I didn’t want to do) because he needed to gain weight. After approximately a month of this, we learned that my body just DID NOT produce the milk necessary to sustain him. So, he was switched to formula all the way. So what does that say for me in Gisele’s ‘perfect’ eyes? Obviously that I chemically harmed my child! Who, by the way, was one of the healthiest children I know during the first year of his life. He didn’t actually catch a cold until he was 1! She has no idea how devastating it was not to be able to feed him naturally like I had intended. How much I felt like a failure. To top it off, we have friends that recently had a baby and while I’m happy that breastfeeding seems to be working for her, her husband had the audacity to comment that I didn’t try hard enough to make it work…that I was lazy. I’m sorry but was he in my house at 12:30 a.m. when I had had 10 minutes of sleep after feeding my son and having him up again looking for food and I had nothing left and all there was was pain from his grip? I think not.

    So again I thank you for this blog article. Tom Brady should be ashamed to be married to her and she should definitely shut her mouth.

  25. Now THAT is a great post. I’m with you man. My wife put herself under an incredible amount of stress because she just couldn’t produce enough milk to feed our girl adequately. Gisele need to shove a million dollar bra up her ass.

  26. Great post!

    One thing really sticks out to me, though: I wonder if her family practices elimination communication, but she is mistakenly referring to it as potty training.

  27. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to tend to my non-potty trained, formula-fed 2-year-old who was brought into this world by a drugged up mama who gained considerably more than 30 lbs during pregnancy, but still managed to remain the hottest bitch this side of the Cape Cod Canal.”

    Best quote ever. Hot bitches are just that – BITCHES!! Now go eat some more rabbit food and leave the rest of us REAL FOLK to the REAL PARENTING! Bitch.

  28. Loved your ending more than I can tell you!

    There’s nothing like a celebrity first time mom who knows everything! And there’s nothing like the celebrity media who prints or broadcasts every word she says.

  29. Thank you! All those celebrity twat-waffles with all the advantages us “normal” moms lack such as private trainers, chefs, nannies, ect all need to shut the fuck up! I physically can not breastfeed I tried with my first son for 2 weeks despite the pain from what I found out later was a seriously botched c-section and my entire body being covered in hives from a reaction to the pain killers prescribed. When I was having trouble the people at the hospital, the La Leche League, and my family just kept telling me to keep trying. I tried pumping but at best in an hour I could get only an ounce. When his pediatrician told me that my son was dehydrated because he wasn’t getting enough breastmilk we switched to formula. With my second I did try to nurse for the first few days to make sure he got the colostrum, but when he started having the same problems his brother had we went to formula again to prevent him from becoming dehydrated too. My kids are healthy, happy and well adjusted children. If I had continued to try and breastfeed they would have been small sickly children, if they had even survived infanthood. Speaking of which, I would not have lived if my mother hadn’t put me on formula. Until I was put on a specailty prescription formula, every time I was breastfed I vomitted blood and screamed from the pain it was causing me to try to digest both breastmilk and normal formula. I would not have been able to live on breastmilk.

    To other readers: I’m pretty sure “penis-deficient” is meant to be satirical not serious, funny not a put-down.

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