What the hell is happening here??
No, this is not a post about the Red Sox or the Patriots. Sure they both disappointed me greatly this weekend and made me want to put my head through a wall, but they are not what’s ailing me. That would be my son.
My son. The angel-faced paragon of cuteness who goes around melting hearts and inducing “awwwwws” everywhere he goes. But that’s during the day. And during the day, he is wonderful. He is perfect. If you saw him during the day you’d say “Having a kid isn’t that hard, look how great this baby is.” During the day.
But at night, things are different. Cue up the horror movie music and try to picture Will in a different light. Allow me to help you with a visual that accurately represents what I’m talking about here. It’s a camera phone pic so it’s a little fuzzy, but you’ll get the picture:
My son used to sleep through the night without waking up. He’d go to bed at 7:30 p.m. and sometimes he wouldn’t wake up until 6 a.m. While we listened to other parents basically have a nervous breakdown because their child wouldn’t sleep for more than a couple hours at a time, MJ and I quietly smirked at each other and exchanged snotty high-fives in our heads because of how great Will was when it came to sleeping. We had the perfect child.
Well if watching “My Name is Earl” has taught me anything, it’s that Karma’s a real vindictive bitch. Right now, Karma and Will are tagteaming us and kicking me in the nuts over and over again. Sure Will still goes to bed at 7:30 p.m. But instead of sleeping until after the sun has come up, he has a new routine.
He first wakes up anywhere between midnight and 1 a.m. He doesn’t cry or scream or his face off though, he just…talks. And talks. And talks some more. He has an hour-long conversation with himself right there in his crib. I think he has an imaginary friend. Either that or a split personality. But I’m thinking his other personality has a hearing problem because Will talks at eardrum splitting decibels and since our bedroom is right next door, we hear the entire conversation. Sometimes, just for good measure, his babbling will freak the dogs out and they’ll start barking their little faces off too, so the whole house wakes up.
We try to soothe him, give him a bottle, carry him around for a little while but it’s never easy and it’s never quick. We’re talking an hour minimum. Then he goes back to sleep for a couple of hours, only to wake up again between 3:30 and 4:30 a.m. He’ll start talking to himself again, but this time he throws in something new. He likes to kick the side of the crib as hard as he can while he’s talking to himself. The result is something like this:
“Gagaga Oooooo (THUMP, THUMP, THUMP) Ga GAAAAA OOOOOOO DADADA (ending with a high pitched screech)!”
Now put that noise on a continuous loop for an hour. It’s maddening. And I know, some of you probably had colic babies who NEVER slept and you’re thinking “Shut up you little whiner, you didn’t have it nearly as tough as I did.” Well, you’re probably right. But seeing as Will was easy going as an infant, this is our first experience with this. I’m hoping it’s just a phase resulting from the fact that he’s still waiting for his top teeth to come in, but I want it to end now.
I miss uninterrupted sleep. The only thing I had to get up for before Will’s new fussy phase was letting the dogs out around 5 a.m. And my movements never seemed to bother Will. He slept through everything. But now he wakes up at the drop of a hat. MJ and I are afraid to breathe nevermind get up and do something that may make noise.
If I have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, it requires a lot of forethought. I try to only step on carpeted areas to cut down on the noise. I have bad ankles and if I walk regularly they crack, so I’m constantly on my tippy toes. And this is probably too much information, but there’s no way the toilet is being flushed until morning because that would DEFINITELY wake him up and whoever wakes him up has to deal with him.
I’m like a prisoner in my own house. Can’t make noise, can’t walk around, can’t turn on the lights…can’t even flush the toilet! It got so bad last night that when I was letting the dogs out, I spotted my bottle of Johnny Walker and really had to think about lining his gums with it so he’d pass out. But I didn’t…at least not that you know of!
Will he ever go back to normal? Will I ever be able to sleep in peace and not fear? Will I be able to flush my damn toilet at night anytime soon???