So This is What Breastfeeding is Like??

It is often said that no matter how understanding a man is, he cannot relate to new mothers. We can’t give birth, sure, but I’ve heard the pain from passing a kidney stone is comparable. And we don’t have a baby growing inside of us, but many men gain “sympathy weight” and get nice and fat during a woman’s pregnancy and then have to lose it.

And today, I am sorry to say that I too know what it must be like to breast feed. Allow me to explain…

I was reading our beloved Cape Cod Gal’s blog and noticed that she’s got herself all fit and buff. She’s training for a triathlon and so she’s been running in a bunch of local road races. I, on the other hand, have not been doing anything that even remotely resembles exercise. But her post about her recent race stirred within me the desire to get off my fat ass and start running again. After all, I’ve lost 12 lbs since I last went jogging and that can only help the running.

The only problem is, I never ease into anything (that’s what she said!) and so when I saw Cape Cod Gal is running a 5.2 mile race on Saturday, I told myself I would run it too. However, that leaves me four days to train. Less than ideal. But hey, it’s just 5 miles right? I ran cross-country 12 years (and 50 lbs) ago and I’m pushing 30 years old, of course I’ll be able to immediately run 5 miles in sweltering heat and humidity. How can you question that logic?

And so I did it when I got home from work. I mapped out a 5.1 mile course, stretched a little bit and off I went. I made it the first 3 miles without stopping, but then I hit hills and lots ‘em. All in all it took me 1 hour and 2 minutes to complete the course. Hardly a blistering pace, I know. But after no training, I’ll take it and now I ready to kick ass on Saturday.

The only problem? MY NIPPLES ARE KILLING ME!

Yes, that’s right. My nipples. You see, it was very hot and muggy out today. And I’m a fat guy who decided to run 5 miles. And even though I didn’t realize it at the time my man boobs were bouncing around inside my soaked cotton T-shirt, there was much chafing going on.

When I got back home and MJ had to help me up off the lawn because I nearly passed out jumped in the shower, that’s when I noticed it. As the water cascaded down my flabby excuse for a body, it felt like 1,000 little pins were ferociously stabbing me in my nipular area. At first I thought it was an errant mosquito. But then I looked down and saw little spots of blood on my right man nipple.

The pain was unbearable. Sure I may be a huge wuss, but I had to spend the rest of the shower covering my nip. And as I winced at the searing pain coursing through my chafed nipple, I realized this is likely 1/1000th the pain that breastfeeding moms go through.

Seriously, I’m bitching about a chafed and slightly bloody nipple from 1 hour of running. Moms who breastfeed have a ravenous human being continuously gnawing on theirs. Every two hours, the baby chomps on the nipple and probably turns it into ground meat. And I realized, right then and there, that I will never partake in a breastfeeding debate ever again. Because if I were a woman, I’d go for the formula right from the start. There’s no way I’d offer up my nipple to that kind of pain and degradation. I can’t even deal with chafing, nevermind someone else chewing on it.

So all you breastfeeding mamas out there who gave it up, I’m with you. You won’t get any criticism from me, only a renewed appreciation of your efforts. For I have felt your pain and I understand your plight. Soldier on. We, fat men who bite off more than they can chew while jogging, are on your side.

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13 thoughts on “So This is What Breastfeeding is Like??

  1. I don’t whether to laugh or wince. First of all bleeding, chaffed nipples are extremely painful. I know this from experience. That said, I did breastfeed and I’m so glad I did it despite all the “fun” I had. I breastfed the oldest for five months; the youngest for seven months. Ironically, or is that coincidentally enough, some members of my family cheered me on for quitting. They weren’t quite in line with the breastfeeding thing.
    I’m so glad you understand the plight of breastfeeding women. Not many men do, or admit it.

  2. Get yourself to EMS and get yourself a tube of Body Glide. Slather it on those nips and there will be no chaffing next time….works on the inside of the thighs too if that’s a problem. My husband is a runner and he swears by this stuff!

    I can’t imagine the pain you are in. I was a straight-to-the-formula-my-boobs-are-mine kind of mama. :)

  3. That is painful to read. It did bring me a laught as it reminded me of The Office. When they had a charity race Andy taped his nipples to prevent chaffing. You might want to try that.

  4. I feel like a down-er for mentioning this since the post was so funny, but since so many moms read this blog I feel like I should. Breastfeeding, done correctly by both mom AND baby does NOT hurt. If there is pain and the mom wants to fix it, she should call a lactation consultant who can help. I did and I went from total misery to a happy mom with a happy son in a few days. It is unfortunate that so many people believe that breastfeeding hurts- especially when there are great people all around who can help if you know where to ask.
    Ok, rant over. Good Luck with the race Aaron, I’ll be thinking of you!

  5. All I could picture was the scene from Family Guy where Peter tries to breastfeed Stewie. I’m thankful for that since I didn’t have to picture you with bruised/chaffed nipples.

    Oh by the way, how you like dem Yankees now??? (You had to know that was coming…that’s what she said)

  6. Bleeding nipples? Never had them, but chaffed and sore? Oh yes. I feel for you.

    But….throw those nipples in along with a torn vagina (thanks again my lovely children!) with LOTS of stitches. Now that’s pain!

    Sorry, too much?

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