This post also appeared on www.capecodonline.com/blogs in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.
I am FINALLY feeling better and I think I’m coming out of my funk caused by the Baby Bubonic Plague and the Patriots horrendous home loss to the Dolphins. So to celebrate feeling better, I look ahead to some other questions Will might ask me in the future and some corresponding real life examples of why I probably shouldn’t answer him myself. Enjoy.
“Daddy, how do I talk to girls?”
Let it be clear right now, I have no game. None. I’ve been picked up twice at bars by girls and each time I screwed it up. The first time I was still getting over an ex. This girl came up to me and literally bumped into me while I was talking to my friends. I looked at her and said in a clearly annoyed voice “Do I know you?” She said no, but she just wanted to say hi. I looked at her, said “Hi” and went back to talking to my friends totally unaware I was being hit on.
The second time was a Halloween party at the Kells in Allston. I went last minute dressed in a robe and a crown with a couple of female co-workers. While there I spotted a hot girl dressed as Cinderella. Well a few minutes later Cinderella comes over to me (after I’ve had eight a few beers) and says the following: “So, are you my Prince Charming?” Can’t get any more direct than that right? So what do I say to her? “Prince Charming? No. I’m a king.” And then I walked away to tell my friends how stupid she was for thinking I was dressed as Prince Charming. Yes, I am that clueless and for that reason any talk of how to get girls should be handled by MJ.
And finally, the mother of all “no game” stories. We were passing through upstate New York when we decided to stop into Turning Stone Casino. Me, my best friend Craig and my Dad sat down at a blackjack table and began playing. The dealer was UNBELIEVABLY HOT! A few hands in she’s dealing the cards when all of a sudden she stops, looks at me and says “Hey, look at me for a sec.” Totally taken aback, I looked up at her and asked what was wrong. She said “My God, you have beautiful blue eyes.” At this point I’m completely thrown for a loop. That kind of stuff just doesn’t happen to me. So I search furiously for something to say. And what comes out? This following conversation:
ME: “Really? I’m surprised you say that because I just found out I’m allergic to cats and my eyes have been really red and puss-filled.” (Smooth answer reply huh?)
HER: “Oh, so you have cats?”
ME: “No, my girlfriend does.” (doh!!) “I really hate cats myself. They screw up my eyes and they get into everything and all my clothes end up stinking.” (WHAT??????)
(Looooong pause as she — and the rest of the table — try to recover from how awkward things are)
HER: “So you’re saying…you smell like cats?”
ME: (Giving up all hope) “Yes. Yes, I smell like cats.”
Seriously, I went from “You have beautiful eyes” to “I smell like cats” in the span of literally 30 seconds.
“Daddy, how do cars work?”
Mr. Fix It I am not. It’s awful, but I’m not even sure I could change a flat tire if push came to shove. It took me over a year after getting my license to figure out how to check my oil. On my first date with MJ, her brother’s car broke down and we stopped to help him take a look at it. So MJ is dressed all nice and she’s climbing under the hood, going under the car, getting grease on her hands looking for the problem. I take one look over her shoulder at the engine — not knowing what the hell I’m looking at — and said something to the effect of “Hmmm, must be the carbo…rotator…cuff splint acting up again.” My wife also fixes everything else in the house and takes the lead on home repair. I’m not even sure why I have testicles to be honest.
“Daddy, why should I always tell the truth?”
Before I started dating MJ, I wasn’t exactly a paragon of honesty and virtue. In fact, I had a blind date set up with another girl the week we started dating. Creepily enough, I met the girl through Craigs List. But instead of canceling, I sent my friend Alex (aka The Bear) in my place. Since we had never met and I never sent a picture of myself, she had no idea what I looked like. So Alex went to meet her for our date and I proceeded to drink with my roommates and crash said date.
And frankly, even in instances where I do tell the truth sometimes that hasn’t worked out either. Like when I told my high school girlfriend I hated her hair and her prom dress just minutes before the prom. Hey, she asked for my honest opinion so I gave it to her.
“Daddy, should I let the Red Sox and Patriots make me sad?”
This sounds trite, but I’m dead serious. In 2003 when the Red Sox lost to the Yankees in Game 7 of the ALCS when Aaron Boone hit the homerun off Wakefield, my life went into a tailspin. It took me a good two months to get over that, even with the Patriots in the midst of a Super Bowl season. I was depressed, angry and irritable. I had also shaved an “S” into the back of my head for that series and colored it in with red lipstick for each game, so I was displeased that was all for naught. Even in 2004 when the Sox had their historic comeback against the Yankees, I was a mess. MJ and I almost broke up because of that series, because she could not understand how my life could be affected so much by a group of grown met I have never met.
“Daddy, why did Mommy decide to marry you?”
Hell, I’ve been trying to figure that one out myself for years now!