Someone Call Harvard!

This post also appeared on in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.

Look, anyone who knows me realizes that I am a modest, humble person who hates to brag. I would never toot my own horn and I certainly would never stoop to the level of one of those parents who won’t shut the hell up about each and every little accomplishment and milestone their child achieves. After all, having a child is not a competition…

But if it was a competition, Will would be kicking the frickin’ asses of all other babies in the world!!!!

Yeah, I know. Throw out that whole introduction and somebody get Harvard on the phone because even though I can’t scientifically prove it, I’m fairly certain I created the smartest baby on the planet. For starters, Will has been rolling over from his front to back AND back to front for the last 3 weeks. But now, he’s doing something else that’s noteworthy. Not even 4 months old yet, Will has already figured out how to hold his own bottle when we’re feeding him. And not just for a few seconds either. He holds a full bottle of formula for a good 2-3 minutes at a time and completely feeds himself. I repeat, the kid feeds himself.

He obviously gets his advanced motor skills from me. I don’t wanna show off or anything, but I have three years of junior varsity soccer, basketball and baseball under my belt. Yeah…I know. It’s no wonder he’s a man among boys already huh? But if that’s not enough, I swear the kid is going to walk any day now. I barely need to hold him up at all at this point, it’s insane. Yale is already starting to scout him for a track and field scholarship, but I think he can do better.

And if that’s not reason enough to believe me, I can further prove Will’s genius! Today, while visiting me at work, I sat him up at my computer and he immediately began pounding away on the keyboard. Within 30 seconds he managed to hit some kind of combination of keys and completely locked me out of my own computer. I needed to call for help to get back to the article I was writing. He’s already a practical joker, just like his old man.

So if any of you have any contacts at NASA, MENSA, any Ivy League colleges or the USA Olympic team (any sport, it doesn’t really matter) I suggest you let them know there’s a future superstar in waiting on Cape Cod.

It’s a good thing expectations aren’t too high for him huh?

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