I’m not sure how it happened, but we’ve fallen into a classic parenthood trap.
As you all know by now, Will is not sleeping. When it first started we’d go tend to him, give him a bottle, get him back to sleep and then put him back in the crib. But when the the overnight wake up calls started getting more frequent and increasingly more difficult, we started to get tired. And lazy.
We’d go pick him up, make up a bottle and bring him into our bed while we fed him. And then…we’d fall asleep. Soon Will would fall asleep too and slumber away, most of the time for longer than he would’ve in his crib. Well it’s been a month now and we haven’t gotten out of that pattern. He wakes up, we feed him and we all fall asleep together.
But it needs to stop for several reasons.
First of all, I’m against co-sleeping. I think it creates dependent children. I know not everyone agrees and that’s fine, but that’s our point of view. Second, our bed is getting VERY crowded.
I know what you’re thinking. How can a queen sized bed be crowded with just you, MJ and a baby. If only it were that simple. First of all, you have to realize a few things about my wife. Namely, she sleeps as if she’s a folding chair. Seriously, she sleeps in a V-shape. Her ass sticks all the way to my side of the bed while her arms are at one corner and her toes touch the other corner on the same side. That wouldn’t be so bad, but then you have to consider the animal element in the house.
We have two 55-lb dogs and both of them end up on the bed at some point. Haley will sleep at our feet, but Fenway thinks she’s a human. She barks or growls until she’s allowed to sleep between us. And oh yeah, did I mention it has to be under the covers? And let’s not forget the two cats that often grace us with their presence.
And the cherry on the crazy cake is Will.
So last night I’m trying to sleep by summoning my inner contortionist in order to twist my body into the obsence position in which I am destined to slumber. I’ve got my wife — snoring like a busted chainsaw I might add — taking up 75% of the bed with her V-shaped sleeping style. I have Haley laying in between my feet. I have Fenway between me and MJ near our waists, and Will is sleeping up by our heads.
I woke up (largely due to the pain of contorting my body) and tried to find a better position to sleep in. At the same time, Will starts to stir. It’s pitch dark so I can’t see him, but I’m straining my eyes to get near him and make sure he’s OK, when all of a sudden — WHAM! Will pulls this baby ninja move and swings his whole body around toward me. As a result, he little fist of fury smacks me directly in the right eye, which was open at the time.
It was completely unexpected and it hurt like a MoFo. I was actually seeing stars. So as I said “Ouch…dammit!” it wakes up MJ. And what does my loving, concerned wife do? Does she ask if I’m OK? Does she offer to help? Of course not. I was met with “SSSHHH! BE QUIET!”
I was nearly blinded by my own child, I’ve put up with her Sasquatch-esque snoring, she takes up nearly the whole bed and now she’s yelling at me? Hell no!
Things are going to change around here at night, that’s all I can say.