Sinus infection, earache and the early onset of pneumonia. I’m achy, I’m sore, I’m lethargic and I don’t feel like doing anything. Including parenting. Especially parenting.
I have no scientific proof to fall back on, but I’d bet my left testicle kids can sniff out when parents are at their wit’s end and that’s when they decide to shift their hyperactivity and general craziness into overdrive. Just to fuck with us. Yesterday—as I plopped on the couch with my nose leaking lime-green snot, shooting pain in my ear and tension emanating from every bone and joint in my body—Will decided to play 20,000 questions in rapid-fire succession.
I swear this conversation actually took place.
WILL: “Dada how was your day?”
ME: “Actually it was—”
WILL: “I played today. And I saw two horses.”
WILL: “Yeah it was cool. Daddy, you’re a person. And Mama is a person. But mama doesn’t have a penis.”
ME: “I am a person and—wait, did you just say penis?”
WILL: “Why doesn’t Mama have a penis? Did it fall off?”
WILL: “Mama said she doesn’t have a penis because her a girl. Dada will my penis fall off?
ME: “Only if you get married.”
ME: “Huh? Wait. What? How did you go from penis glue to cantaloupes? And there’s not even a store across the street. Where would I get cantaloupes?”
WILL: “Hey daaaaad, can I have the Bird is Word song?”
ME: “I thought you wanted cantaloupes.”
WILL: “No, I’m Spiderman now.”
ME: “OK. Does Spiderman eat cantaloupe?”
WILL: (suddenly very serious) “Dad, that is a silly question.”
ME: (feeling stupid) “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought it was a legitimate query.”
WILL: “My name is William George Thomas Gouveia. I live at (he recited our address) in Bourne. Bourne is a town. I go over Bourne Bridge WAY HIGH UP! Your name is Eeeee-rin.”
ME: “I’ve told you not to call me Aaron. I’m dad.”
WILL: “You a bungo.”
ME: “What the heck is a bungo?”
WILL: “It’s you.”
ME: “Well that explains it.”
WILL: “Dada, I play with Jacob at school. I was Spiderman and he was Spiderman and we shoot webs. Spiderman is Peter Parker and he wear glasses. Dada where are my Spiderman glasses? Can I have them? Dada? Dada?? DADA?? I need my Spiderman glasses because they’re my favorite thing every time. Can we watch Spiderman on TV? Dada, does Spiderman have a penis?”
ME: (throwing in the towel) “HONEY?!?!!?!?”