Spidey, Penis Glue & Cantaloupes

I’m sick.

Sinus infection, earache and the early onset of pneumonia. I’m achy, I’m sore, I’m lethargic and I don’t feel like doing anything. Including parenting. Especially parenting.

I have no scientific proof to fall back on, but I’d bet my left testicle kids can sniff out when parents are at their wit’s end and that’s when they decide to shift their hyperactivity and general craziness into overdrive. Just to fuck with us. Yesterday—as I plopped on the couch with my nose leaking lime-green snot, shooting pain in my ear and tension emanating from every bone and joint in my body—Will decided to play 20,000 questions in rapid-fire succession.

I swear this conversation actually took place.

WILL: “Dada how was your day?”

ME: “Actually it was—“

WILL: “I played today. And I saw two horses.”

ME: “Cool.”

WILL: “Yeah it was cool. Daddy, you’re a person. And Mama is a person. But mama doesn’t have a penis.”

ME: “I am a person and—wait, did you just say penis?”

WILL: “Why doesn’t Mama have a penis? Did it fall off?”

ME: “Ummm…well—“

WILL: “Mama said she doesn’t have a penis because her a girl. Dada will my penis fall off?

ME: “Only if you get married.”

WILL: “Oh. Well my penis use glue and it stay on. Hey dad, you get cantaloupes across the street?”

ME: “Huh? Wait. What? How did you go from penis glue to cantaloupes? And there’s not even a store across the street. Where would I get cantaloupes?”

WILL: “Hey daaaaad, can I have the Bird is Word song?”

ME: “I thought you wanted cantaloupes.”

WILL: “No, I’m Spiderman now.”

ME: “OK. Does Spiderman eat cantaloupe?”

WILL: (suddenly very serious) “Dad, that is a silly question.”

ME: (feeling stupid) “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought it was a legitimate query.”

WILL: “My name is William George Thomas Gouveia. I live at (he recited our address)  in Bourne. Bourne is a town. I go over Bourne Bridge WAY HIGH UP! Your name is Eeeee-rin.”

ME: “I’ve told you not to call me Aaron. I’m dad.”

WILL: “You a bungo.”

ME: “What the heck is a bungo?”

WILL: “It’s you.”

ME: “Well that explains it.”

WILL: “Dada, I play with Jacob at school. I was Spiderman and he was Spiderman and we shoot webs. Spiderman is Peter Parker and he wear glasses. Dada where are my Spiderman glasses? Can I have them? Dada? Dada?? DADA?? I need my Spiderman glasses because they’re my favorite thing every time. Can we watch Spiderman on TV? Dada, does Spiderman have a penis?”

ME: (throwing in the towel) “HONEY?!?!!?!?”

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11 thoughts on “Spidey, Penis Glue & Cantaloupes

  1. Oh man. I’m really sorry about the illness, but I was cracking the hell up at all the rest of it. Then Steffan came over because I was laughing so much, so I moved so he could read it, and then we were BOTH cracking the hell up.

    WAaaaay too easy to imagine.

  2. I feel your pain, in fact I did a blog post about this exact subject a while back. My wife and I were SO sick, and the kids seemed to smell it. They made our lives very hard for a few days. I was unable to keep the transcripts like you, but it was pretty similar without the penis talk!

  3. I had to shut my office door or risk betraying my worktime read of your blog through excessive laughter. I don’t know if I’m laughing because it’s just totally funny (it is) or if I’m laughing out of joy that it’s not me this time. Either way, I don’t know what we did for comic relief before our kids learned to talk!

    Oh, and if he tells you where he got the penis glue, could you pass it along to the rest of us?

    Thanks for sharing this stuff!

    Cheers

    P.S., I was going to comment earlier, but I couldn’t find my calculator to complete your security question.

  4. Very funny stuff. My little lady (Emma) is about the same age – this is a conversation we had one morning as I was getting ready for work…

    Emma: what’s that on your toast, daddy?
    Me: Marmalade, Emma. 
    E: No it isn’t. 
    Me: Er… yes it is. 
    E: No it isn’t 
    Me: Emma, it just is. 
    E: No
    Me:
    E: Daddy?
    Me: Yes, Emma
    E: You’ve got marmalade on your shirt

  5. “Mama said she doesn’t have a penis because her a girl. Dada will my penis fall off?

    “Only if you get married.”

    That is Gold!!

  6. Funny how can kids are innocent, jumping from cantaloups to penis shows it all. Enjoy that child while he is funny, when they turn 13, they start to hate you, then you will have to wait until their 27 until they aprreciate you again. I thought he was going to ask you the ways to make penis larger. They would of been hilarious, then he would need super glue to glue it back. Remember when my kids was that small.

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