It can be tough to produce content on a daily basis, and sometimes the muses can be very fickle. But when the holidays roll around, lazy bloggers can always fall back on the tried and true tradition of lists. And since we’re on Thanksgiving’s doorstep, right now the lists revolve around things for which the author is thankful. Which means hundreds, maybe thousands of people are gushing about their spouses, children, parents, friends, freedom and the roof over their respective heads.

Eff that.

It’s not that I’m not grateful for all of those things in my life. I am. And I express that thanks to those people throughout the year. So what I’m going to do this time around is tap into my inner dick and bring you a sarcastic List of Things I Should be Thankful for If the World Wasn’t Totally Fucked.

You might not want to read this one around the old Thanksgiving table tomorrow.

I Wish I Could Be Thankful For…

• The Bravery Shown by Penn State Officials–The horror of what occurred at Penn State is undeniable, but the only silver lining is the way the situation was handled by Penn State personnel. From the minute Matt McQueary rescued that poor boy from Jerry Sandusky after stumbling upon the pair in the shower to Coach Joe Paterno’s rapid response in notifying the police of the heinous crime, Penn State showed great courage in the face of an atrociously impossible situation. They put justice and common decency above the importance of a money-making football program, and did the most important thing, which is to come to the rescue of innocent children. Bravo Penn State.

• The Decency of Police During Occupy Wall Street Protests–Although many people did not agree with everything OWS was doing or how they were doing it, the important thing was even the police charged with keeping the protest area safe were cognizant of their right to peaceful assembly and free speech. Instead of needlessly beating back students or unnecessarily dousing them in the face with pepper-spray, these officers kept the laws of the land and citizen rights at the forefront of their mind, displaying class and model behavior at all times. Bravo.

• Bank of America’s Efficiency & Customer Service–Some people say big banks are impersonal and don’t care about their customers. But Bank of America proved even the big guys care about the little people. That’s why, when my wife and I saw financial trouble looming, we called the bank even before we were behind on payments, telling them there was trouble ahead and we wanted to be proactive. Did they could’ve told us there was nothing they could do. They could’ve told us they are unable to work with us at all until we’re way behind on payments. Then they could’ve lost paperwork and bounced us from department to department, passing the buck until we wanted to light ourselves on fire. But thankfully, Bank of America is among the most ethical, efficient and customer-oriented businesses in the land.

• The Boston Red Sox–Some lesser teams that blow a 14-game lead in September might collapse under its own weight, be reduced to finger-pointing and infighting and leak stories about the personal lives of beloved managers. That kind of implosion risks losing key figures such as general managers and managers, while clubhouse stories involving booze in the dugout and overweight players eating Popeyes surface in the aftermath. Thank goodness a stable organization like the Red Sox was able to avoid such chaos and remain a paragon of organizational success during hard times.

• The Solidarity of Dad Bloggers & Mainstream Recognition–It’s been said in the past that dads are treated as second-class parents, and dad bloggers are the red-headed step-children to the almighty mom bloggers. That’s why it was so wonderful when Disney bought Babble they spoke so glowingly of fathers in their future plans. After all, it’s not like they call their department “Mom & Family” right? That would be absurd. But when Babble did recognize dads in its Top 50 Dad Blog list, it was heartening to see all fathers come together in celebration and unity. Even if they didn’t make the list there was no bickering or fighting, just appreciation for fatherly recognition and all egos checked at the door. Well done fellas.

• My New, Multi-Million Dollar Book Deal–After years of toiling in Internet anonymity, I’m ever-so-thankful Simon & Schuster finally came to their senses and offered me a $2 million advance for my life story. Did I get into blogging for the money? No. Will I cash the check and accept the New York Times’ opinion that I am “the voice of modern fatherhood and an inspiration to the world?” Yes. Yes I will.

• Compassionate, Understanding Pro-Life Supporters–When I posted the video of my encounter with pro-life zealots following the loss of our unborn baby, things really could’ve gotten dicey. It’s a tough subject and there’s very little common ground between the two sides. But I’m so grateful to the wonderful people who left supportive comments that helped MJ and me through such a tough time. Things like “So you abort a baby because it had a ‘deformity?’ You do realize that those amniocetis(I can’t spell that) tests aren’t always accurate” and “I think these women probably feel worse about his child dying than he does. Abortion is murder. What else is there to say?” Thank the Lord for these empathetic, devoted Christians. If not for them pushing their opinions on everyone else, how would people know what to think?

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! On that, there is no sarcasm.

“Yeah, start drinking early,” Brady said with a snicker.
“Get nice and rowdy. It’s a 4:15 game.
A lot of time to get lubed up. Come out here
and cheer for the home team.”

Nothing wrong with that right? After all, tailgating and drinking before the game is a staple at every single football stadium across the country. It’s a pregame tradition to cook on the grill and pop a few beers in the parking lot prior to football. And a damn good tradition at that.

Yet somehow this has become a national story. And idiotic writers like Greg Couch at FOX News have stepped up on their righteous sober soapboxes in a moronic attempt to villify Brady and blame him for all rowdy fan behavior.

Folks, this is a fucking football game. These people who tailgate pay $50 to park, hundreds of dollars for game tickets and have been planning their trips for months. They were going to come to Gillette Stadium on Sunday and drink, regardless of what Tom Brady said. Anyone who fails to realize this deserves a Louisville Slugger to the temple.

But as I listened to the callers who phoned in to Boston talk shows about this, I couldn’t believe some of what I was hearing. People complaining about drunk fans at Gillette. Then they started complaining about fans who swear at Gillette and use vulgarity. And, of course, they used the all-too-familiar excuse of “children are harmed when they see drunk people and hear people swear.” And that, in a nutshell, is the problem with the “fans” of my favorite hometown football team.

Gillette Stadium is a white collar place filled with a wine and cheese crowd. They are lame, they are quiet and they have no idea what it’s like to be a real fan. They “shush” people and they yell at them for standing during the game (the horror!!). They notify security guards when someone swears. And because Gillette is now part of Patriot Place, it is now this half football stadium half mall hybrid. For God’s sake, they place movie times during the game!

Is it any wonder Tom Brady and the Patriots criticize the fans for being too quiet? The fans are conducting business deals during a crucial third down and talking about what SUV they’re going to buy for their next car.

Look, I’m not advocating for chaos. Fans should always feel safe and be in control of themselves. If someone is picking fights, they should be thrown out. If they are actively threatening someone, they should be thrown out. But standing up to root on your team is good. And while I won’t swear if there are kids around, there is NOTHING wrong with dropping a few F-bombs during the game. It’s fucking football for shit’s sake. If you take your kid to a place where there are 60,000 people, some of them are going to be drunk. Others will swear. And if you can’t handle that, don’t come to the game. Plain and simple.

But to blame Tom Brady or somehow hold him responsible should some idiot drink too much and pick a fight on Sunday, is just dumb. In fact, I think he’s right. The fans should get nice and lubed up. Maybe then they’ll actually pay attention to the game and cheer a little louder. Maybe then we won’t have the least formidable homefield advantage in the NFL. Maybe then we can return to being football fans, instead of waiting to see what time I Don’t Know How She Does It is playing.

In a hysterical display of idiocy, the Patriots PR staff tried to spin this story by releasing a statement that said Brady was only trying to advise fans to “stay hydrated, drink a lot of water, be loud, drink responsibly.” Suuuuuuuure. Because staying hydrated is essential when the expected temperature is a whopping 66 degrees. And we all know how important it is to get lubed up on water, right?

The Patriots are so hypocritical. Without these tailgaters paying $50 a pop to park their cars, they lose money. And without them paying $9 per beer once inside the stadium, they lose money. They know this, yet they feel the need to pathetically disguise Brady’s comments. It’s just sad.

It’s important not to drink and drive or get so drunk you lose control. But drinking at a football game is fun, it’s not against the law and Tom Brady did nothing wrong by encouraging it. Yet these yuppie, do-gooder morons can’t help but tell us that drinking and swearing at a professional sporting event built on violence and brute strength will somehow irrevocably harm our nation’s youth. And Tom Brady is responsible because he’s a role model and he told adults to do something completely legal that they were already going to do anyways? Give me a break!

While I urge everyone to be safe and responsible on Sunday, I hope fans are boozed up and ready to go by game time. I hope that—for once—the fans at Gillette Stadium remember that they are at a football game and it’s OK to be loud. And I hope reporters like Greg Cloud relax and have a beer.

It’s football people. Stop being such pussies.

Then one day she starts complaining about headaches, dizziness and a little nausea. It’s slightly unusual, but nothing to get in a tizzy about. Until a visit to the pediatrician reveals she’s having trouble with basic motor skills. So the doctor schedules an MRI.

Medulloblastoma.

You can barely pronounce it, nevermind comprehend its devastating awfulness. But the bottom line is it’s cancer, and your little girl has it. The tumor is removed and found to be malignant. But because she is young, strong and full of life, she fights back. She recovers quickly, even to the point she can leave the hospital and finally go home.

But the celebrating and happiness is short-lived.

The vomiting returns. Then the dizziness and headaches. So it’s back to the hospital less than three weeks after the first surgery, only to discover even more unimaginable news. The tumor has already grown back. And it’s back with a vengeance. Once again it spread and multiplied. It’s also putting pressure on the brain stem—which regulates breathing— meaning she can’t even draw sufficient breath from her hospital bed.

Surgery is no longer an option. And as if that news isn’t bad enough, it forces her parents to make a heart-wrenching choice. You see, before the return of the tumor it was possible (and favorable) to treat the cancer with slightly lower doses of radiation to prevent harm to the girl’s still-developing brain. But when faced with a cancerous tumor more aggressive than many doctors at a renowned Boston hospital have ever seen, the stakes—and circumstances—change dramatically.

Imagine being the parent who has to decide to move forward with higher amounts of radiation, knowing full well the chemo has the potential to cause severe developmental delays to the child’s brain. But you do it, because it’s what you have to do.

And then, in the middle of this tornado of misery and seemingly just for sick kicks, the family dog dies. I shit you not, I couldn’t make it up if I tried.

Last month, this twisted nightmare became a reality for Leah Fernandes and her family.

Leah is the 5-year-old daughter of Rhiannon, one of my friends from high school. Rhiannon and her husband Peter have two kids, and they’re well known in my hometown of Norton. Peter owns and operates Chartley Country Store, an infamous little convenience/grocery with a kickass butcher shop. My son Will knows it as “The Cow Building” because of the picture of a cow on the side of the shop. And not to be outdone, Rhiannon is a rockstar who plays in a cover band called Kunochi, which plays all over southeastern Mass.

I haven’t talked to Rhiannon in years and I’ve never met Leah or their other son Lukas. But Rhiannon is one of the sweetest, most down to Earth people I’ve ever known. She’s always been kind and considerate, yet tough and fiesty. And I imagine the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

As I read their accounts of the ordeal I was overcome. In all respects. As a parent, I cannot imagine going through this. I just can’t. I’ve tried to put myself in Rhiannon and Peter’s shoes, but it’s impossible. My mind literally cannot fathom something this fucked up happening to Will. I think I’d fall to pieces, and rightly so. But Rhiannon and Peter have remained so strong. Both for Leah and their son Lukas. And their bravery in the face of incomprehensible woe is truly the stuff of legends.

However, they are outdone only by their daughter Leah.

She’s smiling in every picture they’ve taken over the last month. After two brain surgeries and more bad news than any kid should ever have to handle, Rhiannon said she’s doing arts & crafts and enjoying the bounty brought to her by the Easter Bunny. And amazingly, Leah has never complained. Not even a little. Not even once.

If there’s a silver lining here, it’s been the community’s response to “Leah Bear,” as she is lovingly called by friends and relatives.

To date, more than $10,000 has been raised for the Fernandes family to make the long commute to and from Boston, as well as meet expenses that occur when parents have to take that much time off work. And that’s without a lick of media attention. While I wish I could donate more money, I’m trying to contribute by reaching out to every local media contact I have to get them to do a story. A few media outlets are in the process of working something up, but I wanted to put it on the blog as well.

There are motorcycle charity rides, comedy shows, Texas Hold Em tournaments, bracelets and a handful of other events set up to help Leah. You can check them all out and get more info by clicking here or here. They had a PayPal account, but I’ve been told it’s frozen. So I know times are tough, but if you can spare even a little bit, all donations can be mailed to:

Leah Fernandes Donations

c/o North Easton Savings Bank

P.O. Box 495

25 W. Main Street

Norton, MA 02766

I can’t imagine having to go through this and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But I know when MJ and I were going through our ordeal last year (which does not even come CLOSE to what the Fernandes’ are enduring), I was comforted by the humanity displayed by friends and strangers alike. I can’t tell you what it meant to get cards, emails, donations and even comments from people—some of whom didn’t even know us—telling us we were in their thoughts. And while raising awareness for Leah is miniscule in the “Pay It Forward” department, it’s a start.

I think about what’s happening to Leah and I cry. I can’t help it, it breaks my heart. But she can’t cry. Neither can her parents. They can’t afford to because they are literally in the fight of their lives. We can’t possibly know their pain or erase it. But we can help to ease it, even if it is just ever so slightly.

So please, if you can, donate. And if you can’t, that’s OK. I invite you to leave a comment here or on Leah’s Facebook, supporting her and her amazing family.

Leah, I follow your progress every day. And while you don’t know me, I hope you know there are people just like me who you’ve never met, thinking about you each and everyday and trying to do whatever they can to help you. Same goes for Rhiannon, Peter and Lukas, and all of your close friends and family members.

Keep fighting Leah. If you’re anything like your mom, you have enough class, dignity and strength just in your pinky finger to beat this thing. Because you WILL beat it!

www.iovuf.blogspot.com

If you’re a married male celebrity these days, chances are you’re getting caught with your hand (among other body parts) in the proverbial cookie jar.

Infidelity perpetrated by rich, famous guys has been all the rage for quite some time now. From Tiger Woods to Mark Sanford, whenever one of the “beautiful people” steps outside his marriage it becomes HUGE news. Media from all over the country converge and the general public absorbs the gossip faster than Charlie Sheen bangs a 7-gram rock on bender. But have you ever wondered why it’s always the male cheaters who are excoriated in the press, while the litany of female adultresses goes largely unnoticed?

Tom Matlack has, and today he’s pointing out the hypocrisy of the double standard in his piece over at the Good Men Project.

In a lot of ways I agree with Tom. We’ve heard an awful lot about unfaithful men while female celebrity affairs are overlooked. Matlack highlights Tiger Woods, Jesse James, Charlie Sheen, Mark Sanford, John Edwards and Eliot Spitzer as men who have been caught, crucified and reviled for not being able to keep it in their pants when they’re not around their wives. Then he (correctly) points out the lack of fanfare following affairs by LeAnn Rimes, Tori Spelling, Ann Heche and Jennifer Lopez. Matlack then goes on to criticize Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Eat, Pray, Love, for extolling the virtues of a woman leaving a stale marriage in order to go gallivanting around foreign countries indulging every sexual instinct that arises.

“Why do we have a national obsession with men’s infidelity? Is this some kind of backlash against the sex trade? A hidden gender war buried deep inside our collective subconscious? I just don’t get it, and it’s beginning to really piss me off.”

I get where Matlack is coming from. And at first glance, I agreed with just about everything he said. But then I thought about it some more and realized he’s missing a few very basic, but extremely important elements. Celebrity Cheating (a reality show in the making if ever there was one) does not become top-notch tabloid fodder based on the gender of the person who strayed. It’s totally based on the level of fame and the specific people involved.

Tiger Woods is the most obvious example.

Yes, if Tiger had simply cheated it would’ve been big news. But the reason it became OH-MY-GOD-DID-YOU-READ-THE-LATEST-ABOUT-TIGER news is because of who he was. A child prodigy golfer with a squeaky clean reputation for hard work, excellence and perfection. Both on and off the course. Tiger never said anything even remotely controversial during interviews, which is unbelievable since he is the most influential black athlete in a sport that’s known for being white as the driven snow. We grew up with Tiger. We rooted for Tiger. And we all knew about Tiger’s unbreakable bond with his father. This guy was a consummate professional in every sense of the word, and for all we knew he was just as sensational at being a husband and father as he was driving the ball at Augusta.

That’s why it was so unimaginable to hear about the first affair. Then the next woman. Then 10 more. The sudden shift from golf’s golden boy to degenerate sex addict, combined with the shady details of his car accident and alleged club to the head from his wife, made this story an unstoppable force.

Likewise with John Edwards. Here was a vice-presidential and presidential candidate with the world at his fingertips. And even though he lost, the world was sympathetic towards him because his wife, Elizabeth, was diagnosed with breast cancer. But then we find out he not only cheated on his wife, he fathered a child with another woman and then went to extreme lengths to lie about it. I repeat, the man fathered a baby with his mistress while his wife was dying of cancer.

And hell, let’s throw Brad Pitt into the mix as well. He’s married to one of the world’s hottest and most likable women in Jennifer Aniston. A woman most guys would cut off non-essential body parts just to be near. For Pitt to “upgrade,” there was really only one option. One woman hotter and sexier than Aniston. And amazingly, he went for her.

These stories were not spectacular and widely covered because all three were men. They were gargantuan deals because of the individual circumstances. The ultimate family man turned man-whore. A presidential candidate with a sick wife we were all pulling for turns into a condomless deviant with no regard for his dying wife. And the most beautiful couple in the world breaking up so he could bang the one woman hotter than she is.

www.crunchgear.com

Now compare these stories to Matlack’s adulterous female counterparts.

LeAnn Rimes is a celebrity, but unless you’re a diehard fan she’s not uber-famous. Tori Spelling hasn’t been important since Donna Martin graduated from 90210. And Anne Heche? I asked my friend if he knew who that was and he said “Isn’t that the dude who married Ellen?”

My point is the general public doesn’t care enough about those women to get that upset. They’re famous, but certainly not on the level of our gentlemen philanderers. And in the end, they’re just not famous enough for people to care.

But I also have another theory.

I believe there are just as many female cheaters as men. Possibly more. But please take a look at how careless the men are. Tiger Woods actually left one of his mistresses a voicemail. WITH HIS NAME ON IT! John Edwards was so careless as to get his girlfriend pregnant. And Brad Pitt voluntarily shot a movie opposite Angelina Jolie. Of course he was going to cheat! That’s like walking into a room with a starved pit bull dressed in Lady Ga-Ga’s meat dress and not expecting to get hurt.

Women are much smarter about cheating. And a helluva lot more covert.

It’s rumored that Farrah Fawcett had an affair going for 11 years she managed to keep secret from Ryan O’Neal. Eleven years!! Now THAT’S how to have an affair. No voicemails, cell phone records or love child. Honestly I think it’s because men—whether they want to admit it or not—secretly want people to know about their conquests. Even the ones they aren’t supposed to have. But women, for the most part, are still very wary of being labeled a “slut” or “home-wrecker.” Thus the secrecy.

But whatever the explanation is, I think the level of public outrage concerning cheaters is more about fame than gender.

The point is, everyone knows times are tough. Everyone, it seems, except Toyota.

When I first saw this I was in shock. And when that wore off, I skipped straight to anger.

Here we are in one of the worst financial situations since the Great Depression. Unemployment is rampant, job creation is nil and foreclosures are spiking faster than Tiger’s 3-wood at last call. So with Americans teetering on the edge of crisis and struggling to stretch every dollar to the max, I have to ask what marketing genius at Toyota thought it’d be a good idea to label prudent consumers as “lame?”

The dad in the commercial with the humiliated son is driving a beat up old station wagon. He probably doesn’t have any payments on it, thus saving him several hundred dollars a month. But instead of continuing to use that money to pay down his mortgage or squirrel it away for that little brat’s college tuition, Toyota thinks he should spend $35,000 on a new vehicle just to avoid being thought of as “lame” by his spoiled son.

Talk about not being in touch with your target demographic.

And what is up with that annoying kid? First of all, he’s like 9 years old and wearing skinny jeans. And in other versions of the commercial, he pulls up next to another kid whose parents are driving an old beater. The uncool kid’s parents are singing and trying to engage their son while Skinny Jean Boy boasts about his “Kid Cave” and simply blocks it all out by plugging in his headphones to watch TV in the back of his car while his parents drive. The message is supposed to be the parents ignoring their son are the good guys while the happy-but-albeit-dorkish parents are the dolts.

Because nothing says good parenting like making sure your kid is glued to a TV even in the car.

Look, I know Toyota is out to sell cars. And in the interest of full disclosure, I drive a Toyota Highlander. A 2002 Toyota Highlander with 130,000 miles on it. I’m just confused why Toyota decided to go in this direction after their notorious recalls regarding brake problems, steering issues and — of course — the sticky accelerators that allegedly sent several people careening to their deaths at 120 MPH. After all of that, they actually thought the best course of action was to insult the discerning customer while pimping their new product with a message of “your kids will finally think you’re cool.”

The only thing lame here is Toyota. And that little kid.