Earlier this week I was picking Will up at daycare. I routinely spend a few minutes chatting with my provider. When I asked how Will did that day she smiled and told him to repeat what they say before meals. At that point, to my displeasure, Will said “God is great, God is good, and we thank him for our food.” Some people, like my wife, think that’s cute. I was less than amused. Because while I was fully aware my provider is very religious, I did not expect her to teach religion to my son. Frankly that’s not something I want him exposed to. But I let that one go because eventually he’ll go to church with MJ and I figure I shouldn’t get upset about harmless exposure to religion. So I sucked it up.

But she wasn’t done yet.

She then asked me about my job. I told her that next week I’m headed to Martha’s Vineyard for a few days because President Obama and the First Family are vacationing in Chilmark and I’ll be covering a portion of their visit for the paper.

Wrong move.

The mere mention of Obama’s name got her started on a mini anti-Obama tirade, which I patiently weathered with a half-hearted smile as I listened to the familiar rhetoric. But then she started telling me about a carnival somewhere (New Jersey I think, go figure!) where you could pay $5 and throw things like balls and plates at a mannequin of Obama. But regrettably, she said, it was shut down after someone was offended and complained.

“Well some people are always going to be offended by stuff like that,” I said as I collected Will and my things to leave.

And then she dropped the hammer.

“Yeah but they get offended by this kind of stuff and never the things they should be offended by,” she said. ” You know, like taking prayer out of school and gay marriage.”

I’m not usually stunned or silent. But this time I was both. Thankfully her elderly mother had just come home and that provided me with an out. Because honestly, at that point I was so angry I’m not sure if the words that came out of my mouth would’ve been advisable.

When I got home I let my anger subside and tried to think about things rationally.

On one hand, it’s a free country and everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion. And this is an in-home daycare, which means she’s free to espouse any viewpoint she wants in her own house. She’s religious and conservative, just like some of my friends and family, and so it shouldn’t really come as a surprise that she’d be against homosexuals having the right to marry. And if I decided to pull my son from her care simply because we disagree politically, isn’t that me being intolerant of her religious beliefs?

I pride myself on having friends from a wide variety of backgrounds. Some believe in God and others are atheist. Actually, I probably have more conservative friends than liberal, despite my left-leaning tendencies. And I’m a firm believer that our differences, and specifically our ability to get along despite those differences, are what makes the world go round.

But in the end, for me, this is about more than ideological differences.

I have friends and relatives who are gay. I have aunts who are legally married with children. MJ and I are teaching Will to be tolerant of all lifestyles, races, religions, etc. And yet the woman I pay to watch Will felt there was nothing wrong with telling us — her paying clients — that our friends and relatives are in fact, offensive.

That’s just not right.

So I confronted her the next morning and calmly told her that while I don’t want to preach or make her conform to my more liberal viewpoint, MJ and I are very much in favor of gay marriage. And I told her about our family members, and why I was insulted and offended by her remarks. Then I told her, in no uncertain terms, that I did not EVER want Will to hear her say that homosexuality is wrong.

She told me that while she won’t preach in front of Will, she firmly believes homosexuality is wrong. That it’s against God’s will and that it’s a sin. However, she oh-so-kindly said she “hates the sin and not the sinner.” As if that somehow makes the bigotry palatable. And for kickers, her ex-husband — who she is best friends with — is gay. But she still thinks he’s a sinner.

Look, I know that when you opt for daycare (as we have to), you take your chances by having someone else spend so much time with your kids. And everyone is different. I am a proponent of Will being surrounded by all types of different people with varying viewpoints.

But I think this is a different story.

This person thinks being gay is wrong. She believes a whole segment of the population, my loved ones included, shouldn’t have the same rights as she does. And I’ve witnessed first-hand that she has no problem saying so in front of my impressionable 2-year-old. Will is not dumb. Sometimes you only have to say something once and he never forgets it. And even though my provider is generally a nice enough woman, the fact that she openly looks down upon gay people for no good reason is very troubling. And unacceptable.

I’m all about celebrating differences, but there’s no room for intolerance and bigotry. And I think we’ll be finding another daycare for Will as soon as we can, because as parents we have to be comfortable with the authority figures we let into our kids lives. And if I’m paying someone for a service, I don’t think I (and especially Will) should have to be subjected to offensive remarks regarding the people I love.

What’s so hard about teaching young children love and acceptance as opposed to exclusion and derision?

Has there always been this much intolerance and bigotry out there, or am I just more attuned to it after my run-in with the anti-abortion protesters?

The timing is uncanny, but HBO just released a new documentary called 12th & Delaware. It’s about an abortion clinic in Fort Pierce, Fla. (where MJ’s parents used to spend their winters) that sits directly across the street from a Crisis Pregnancy Center run by ardent anti-abortion folk. The documentary takes a very up close and personal look at both camps, focusing on several women who go into both establishments. It is eye-opening to say the least.

What I saw from the pro-life zealots made me physically ill.

And this goes beyond the reprehensible act of the usual protesting and shaming of vulnerable women. That shit is child’s play compared to some of the other stuff these wackos pull. First of all, this isn’t just standing out on the street corner yelling. Oh no no. It’s so bad the doctor who performs the abortions has to be driven in by the owner to the building’s garage with a sheet over his head to protect his identity. These people don’t just protest clinics, if they find out who the doctor is they picket outside the man/woman’s house. And, as we all know, anti-abortion protesters have a long history of bombing, shooting and killing doctors.

Frustrated by the lack of a face or name, one crazy guy gets a tip on where the clinic owner picks up the doctor. So he sets up a stakeout in a Wal-Mart parking lot for hours and waits. Finally he gets what he’s looking for and learns the doctor’s identity. His plan is to get a picture of the guy and blow it up on huge sign for all to see, with the guy’s name and personal information listed.

Nevermind the lunacy behind such a plan, but think of safety issues. He’s opening this guy up for random attacks, robberies and if the doctor has a family he puts those people at risk too. But hey, they don’t worry about the living. Only the unborn.

Then we learn the abortion clinic was there first, but less than 24 hours after the building across the street went on sale the pro-lifers snatched it up and opened their own “medical facility.” The only problem is, there aren’t any medical professionals giving advice. Just the loonies.

And because they opened right across the street, women often get confused and the women who opted for an abortion mistakenly enter the lion’s den. Once there, the woman in the documentary openly admits she sometimes employs a tactic of trap them in the room as long as possible. Women are shown graphic videos filled with blood on the operating floor. They are given false medical “facts” such as abortion greatly increases the risk for breast cancer. This, of course, is complete bullshit. If you don’t believe me, believe the National Cancer Institute and their in-depth medical research.

But the sickest thing they do is to tell women they aren’t as far along with their pregnancy as they really are.

One woman went to the anti-abortion clinic first, where they performed an ultrasound and told her she was 7 weeks and 2 days. But when she went to the abortion clinic, she learned the truth. She was more than 10 weeks pregnant. The reason they do this is to make the women believe they have more time than they do, in the hopes they’ll anguish over it and put it off until it’s medically too late.

I don’t care what your views are on this topic, giving people false medical information just to serve your political and religious purposes is one of the most despicable things in the world. Those people aren’t just awful human beings, they’re criminals in my opinion.

Then there was the woman who said she didn’t want her baby because her husband was abusive. They already had one kid and she accidentally got pregnant again. But because she was trapped and her husband was verbally abusive to her, she didn’t want to bring another child into that environment. So what do you think the woman at the pro-life center said to her?

She told the woman that for all she knows, having another baby would help improve the husband’s behavior.

At that point I wanted to reach through the screen and stomp this woman to death. Telling an abused woman her husband would suddenly stop torturing her if she just keeps the baby is horrendous. Not only is the advice patently untrue, it’s irresponsible and dangerous to lie like that. And it proves beyond the shadow of a doubt these people think of nothing — NOTHING — except the baby. They don’t care about the woman or her existing kid who is already suffering. They’re perfectly happy to keep them in harm’s way as long as the unborn baby is not aborted. Sick.

And the documentary ends with a half dozen protesters ganging up on a woman who decided to have an abortion on her way into the clinic. The woman pauses long enough for them to get their hooks in her. And like sharks smelling blood in the water, they start to circle.

They sense her hesitation and vulnerability. They spot their in. And then they make every promise under the sun.

They promise to pay her rent. They promise to clothe her existing children. They promise her free medical care. And eventually she falls for it. She crosses the street and succumbs to promises which will no doubt fade away as soon as it becomes impossible to have a medical abortion. And then she will be left with a child she didn’t want and couldn’t afford. And she’ll be wondering where all those nice people went who offered to pay her rent and feed her family. But they’ll be busy working on their next victim. Because they only care about the unborn. The living can be tricked and lied to as long as they get their way.

Abortion isn’t pleasant. I don’t consider it a victory if a woman terminates her pregnancy. This isn’t a contest. All I care about is that women and their significant others get correct and accurate medical information. I care that they are told the truth, with no fairy tales of benevolent do-gooders who will pay their rents and grocery bills for all eternity. I want them to have all the information and make the decision that’s best for them. And I want them to be able to do it in as much peace as possible under the circumstances.

If you’re against abortion, then don’t have one. But leave the rest of the population the fuck alone and stop forcing your warped morals and religious beliefs down the throats of the rest of us.

]]> http://www.daddyfiles.com/2010/08/10/surrounded-by-hate/feed/ 20 http://www.daddyfiles.com/2010/08/03/shut-up-gisele/ http://www.daddyfiles.com/2010/08/03/shut-up-gisele/#comments Tue, 03 Aug 2010 23:36:28 +0000 DaddyFiles1 http://www.daddyfiles.com/?p=2437 I know you’ve all been in this situation before.

You have a buddy, a great guy (reverse gender if you’re penis-deficient) who you love to hang out with. He’s fun, he’s smart and everyone likes him. He’s the life of the party. If he were a rug in The Dude’s house he’d really tie the room together. You catch my drift.

But then Capt. Cool Friend gets a girlfriend. At first you’re excited because she’s super hot. Blindingly hot. The level of hot where you can’t look at her without getting a little uncomfortable in the pants. And for five seconds you’re more envious of that friend for landing such a gorgeous woman than you’ve ever been of anyone else in your life.

But then she opens her mouth. And suddenly you’d rather sever both your ears than listen to one more narcissistic word from her perfectly formed lips.

Gisele Bundchen.

I’m not friends with Tom Brady. But I have been a psychotic fan of the New England Patriots since birth, and because Tom Terrific brought me three Super Bowl trophies I long ago declared my ever-lasting man love for him. And for a long time, he was perfect. The only thing he did wrong was date Tara Reid for a short time, ruining the 2002 season. Even when Bridget Moynihan pulled the goalie on him in late 2006, saddling him with a kid despite their break-up, I didn’t hold it against him. Tommy Boy could do no wrong.

Until he married that twat Gisele.

She is a Victoria’s Secret supermodel. She is 1,000 different flavors of gorgeous. She oozes sex. So needless to say, at first I was happy for him. The best quarterback in the NFL marrying the most successful and beautiful supermodel of all time? It made sense. And all the male (and surely some of the female) fans idolized him even more than they already did. Just imagine what life would be like, we thought, with Gisele Bundchen to come home to every night.

But as it turns out, it would be a nightmare.

Gisele became a mother for the first time last December. Since then, she has opined on nearly every hot button parenting topic. Most recently, she told Harpers Bazaar UK, that breastfeeding helped her keep her figure. Which is all well and good, but Gisele took it juuuuuust a little too far.

“Some people here (in the US) think they don’t have to breastfeed, and I think ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your child when they are so little?’ I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.”

Look, I’m pro-breastfeeding. OK? I think breastfeeding is a good thing. The healthiest thing. Got it? Gooooo breastfeeding. But being an advocate for breastfeeding is one thing, tearing down non-breastfeeding mothers by insinuating they are chemically poisoning their offspring is something else entirely. And then suggesting a ridiculous “worldwide law” to FORCE all mothers to mirror all-knowing Gisele the supermodel, is on a whole other crazy planet.

What about the mothers who try their damndest to breastfeed but can’t? Or the ones who simply hate it? There are a myriad of reasons a woman might not breastfeed, but whatever that reason is I can guarantee you one thing: it’s none of Mrs. Tom Brady’s fucking business.

Although I was initially shocked to read Gisele’s comments, I quickly realized I shouldn’t be surprised. You see, this is not the first time she’s stuffed her perfectly manicured foot into her gaping runway of a mouth.

Shortly after her son was born, Gisele spilled all the details of the delivery and the weeks leading up to it. How she gave birth at home. How she gave birth naturally, meditating the entire time without uttering so much as a scream. Then — and I’m willing to bet this made most women consider hiring a hitman to hunt Gisele down — she was back modeling on the runway just weeks after giving birth with her flawless body back intact. And in addition to yoga and doing kung fu right up until her son was born, here’s her big secret:

“I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds.”

And then, two months ago, Supermom told the Boston Herald that her then 6-month-old son was — wait for it — potty trained. I’m serious. She said a 6-month-old was already dropping regular deuces in the potty.

Mmm hmmm. Sure. What’s not believable about that?? First she only gains 30 lbs because she didn’t become a fat ass garbage disposal like most women. I’m sure that had nothing to do with the fact that she makes 80 kajillion dollars a second and can afford her own cooks. Her own army of gourmet chefs actually. Then she has a pain-free delivery made enjoyable by meditation. Reports are she made pancakes for breakfast the next day. Next she loses any trace of the baby weight in .84 seconds after giving birth and gets back on the runway. Yet she still has enough time to needlessly potty train an infant. And now she has proclaimed herself a “world legislator,” creating laws for all of womankind to follow her in her perfect ways.

All Hail Queen Gisele!

Now look, I’m all for breastfeeding. And good for her for losing the baby weight so quickly. But keep in mind, beauty is her profession. She has to look that good or else the well dries up. Not to mention the vats of money she and Tom have to spend on trainers, health food, etc. I also think 6 months is absurdly early to potty train a kid, but to each his own. And she said she wants to live on a farm with Tom, Baby Ben, and lots of chickens and ducks. That’s fine, although Tom may prefer goats.

The problem I have with Gisele isn’t her actions, it’s her know-it-all, holier-than-thou attitude and the seemingly perpetual need to reign supreme over the rest of the parenting world.

So even though I’m just a peon, I’d like to make my own law. I think all leggy supermodels who are traveling down this road called parenting for the first time like the rest of us, should shut their uppity mouths when they only have a few months experience on the job. And in this case, I think said supermodel should concentrate all of her energies on keeping my star QB happy so the Patriots can roll to a fourth Super Bowl.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to tend to my non-potty trained, formula-fed 2-year-old who was brought into this world by a drugged up mama who gained considerably more than 30 lbs during pregnancy, but still managed to remain the hottest bitch this side of the Cape Cod Canal.

I am confused. Why is the couple supposed to feel better about having an abortion and cutting the obviously living baby’s life short? Why is that supposed to be better than letting nature take its course and delivering the stillborn baby? Is it because it’s less trouble for the parents? So they can get the baby’s death over and start the grieving process sooner? Wouldn’t it be harder to be the cause of my baby’s death after seeing an ultrasound, as they did? It seems to me there IS only one choice, to let this baby live as long as possible.

Here is the problem with the logic of this video. This guy is upset because he put great value in the 16 week old fetus that he calls “our baby”, but his lack of understanding for what these protesters are trying to do seems to give no value in the other “babies” that are killed at this location. He says it was one of the most difficult days of their lives, but has NO EMPATHY for the other babies murdered there and those trying to prevent their deaths.

Abortion – it’s an ugly term.  It has a deservedly harsh connotation to it, conveying an untimely ending and something gone horribly wrong.

My son and daughter-in-law had to make a decision to terminate their pregnancy recently, a pregnancy nearly four months along.  They chose to do it, although in reality there was no choice.  But it was still incredibly difficult.

Their baby – my grandchild – had a rare and fatal congenital birth defect called Sirenomelia, otherwise known as Mermaid Syndrome.  Due to a vascular malfunction, the baby’s legs were fused together.  The baby had no bladder, no kidneys, and no chance of surviving.  The defect occurs once in about every 100,000 births.

The pain this caused my son and his wife, who very much wanted this second child, is indescribable.  You cannot possibly fathom the depths of their despair unless you have been in a similar position.  And while nowhere near as bad, the pain of having to watch our children go through this is something my wife and I pray we never have to experience again.

Our kids handled their situation with all the class, dignity and responsibility human beings can be expected to muster.  We are so proud, even as our hearts break for them.  Their strength and devotion to one another and their two-year-old son is the stuff of legends.

But their ordeal was made even more unnecessarily awful by the politics and social controversy surrounding the abortion issue.  On one of the worst days of their lives, they became victims again – this time at the hands of those trying to do God’s work while in fact doing just the opposite.

Although my daughter-in-law was treated at a major Boston hospital, the time-sensitive nature of the procedure necessitated it be done at an affiliated establishment.  After she and my son mustered the necessary courage and emotional strength to get where they had to go, they were met by something they had not considered in their grief – abortion protestors.

Two women were picketing outside the establishment, carrying signs and “communicating” with women walking in the door.  One carried a sign of religious symbolism.  As my son and his wife tried to enter the building where they would lose the baby they already loved so much, they were approached by the women.

“You’re killing your unborn baby!’ was the remark they would remember most as they walked past.  They were both furious and devastated, but held their tempers and concentrated on what needed to be done.  But once my daughter-in-law was in surgery, my son decided to take on the protestors.

In a calm but firm tone, he told them of his wife’s condition.  How they had accosted her at the most vulnerable point in her life.  How they had hurled accusations when they had no idea of the circumstances.  How they claimed to be protecting, yet seemed more intent on hurting.  And better yet, he recorded the entire conversation on his cell phone and posted it on his internet blog.

These particular protestors care about the unborn, but apparently are not concerned with those who have already come into the world.  They made no attempt to discover the circumstances and just assumed this was a couple ending an unwanted pregnancy.  To them, my kids were simply collateral damage in an ongoing war – the price to be paid for later success.

This column is not about a woman’s right to choose, although I have my own opinions on that matter.  It is about the culture of hatred and disrespect that people today foster when they single-mindedly focus on one goal to the exclusion of nearly all else.  It is about allowing the end to justify the means.

I am so proud of my son, and perhaps even more proud of his wife.  At a time of great personal turmoil, they did not just retreat inside their own grief – though no one would have blamed them.

Rather, they cared enough to take the time to explain to these people how their actions can destroy others.  How their words can scar forever.  How nothing is ever as clear or as simple as it seems.

I love them dearly, and I will never forget the lessons they have taught us all.

Alexandra Christine Gouveia.

MJ and I don’t know for sure if we were having a boy or a girl. It was still kind of early to tell, not to mention the legs were fused together which made it hard to determine the sex. But we both agreed we were having a girl this time around. After all, I figure only a girl could be this much trouble!

We liked the idea of a boy’s name for a girl. We would’ve called you Alex for short. And as an added bonus you would’ve been named after one of our best friends, Alex (aka TheBear on these forums). Your initials, ACG, would’ve been the same as mine. And I have no doubt you would’ve been smarter than me and more beautiful than your mother.

A few people have asked why we don’t just save the name if we like it so much, and use it if we have another daughter in the future. But that sentiment right there epitomizes all my fears.

My biggest worry through all of this is that no one will remember Alex.

After all, she wasn’t born. She has no birth certificate. There was no funeral. Although MJ and I will always remember her, the rest of the world will surely forget. And to me, there isn’t much worse in the world than irrelevance. People tried to comfort us by saying there had to be a silver lining, or that somehow some good would come of this. But those words carried no weight in my mind. How could they? My baby and our dreams were dying right in front of our eyes. How do you possibly find any good in that?

Well, I found the answer.

The response I received after posting my encounter with the protesters was nothing short of overwhelming. It was viewed by thousands of people all over the world. It was on the front page of Twitter. And of those thousands, hundreds left comments and sent e-mails that made me laugh, made me cry and just plain moved me.

I did not have a master plan when I decided to turn my camera phone on and give them a piece of my mind. I just knew they had hurt my wife, and I will confront anyone who injures her in any way. I had no intentions of making a political statement or becoming a lightning rod in an already contentious and deeply personal issue. I simply knew I wanted to show their hypocrisy and hopefully show other people the hurt protesters indiscriminately spew at women who all have different backgrounds and different stories.

I had no idea the kind of chord it would strike with people around the world.

Shortly after I posted it, the e-mails and comments started trickling in. And then the flood gates opened. I was bombarded with notes of thanks and atta-boys. And I was appreciative of that. But then the testimonials came in and those changed my life forever.

Some of you shared deeply personal stories with me. Some of you were in the same position as we were, with a fetal abnormality deemed terminal. And like us, your problems were unnecessarily and cruelly compounded by these people who say they’re “only trying to help.” And then there were those of you who made me openly weep, telling me stories of how you were impregnated after a rape. After suffering the indescribable atrocity of being sexually violated like that, the thought of hostile zealots shouting at you all because you didn’t want to carry a rapist’s baby made me sick to my stomach. I can’t even imagine. One by one, on and on the e-mails kept coming. And I read each and every one of them, committing them to memory and keeping them close to my heart.

And that’s when I realized Alexandra’s brief life absolutely meant something. Something very important actually.

Alex may never have seen the light of day, but it’s because of her I was able to shine a light on the bullying and fear-mongering being performed on “God’s behalf.” And limited although my resources may be, I was able to share our story with thousands of others. Even people who consider themselves pro-life, who e-mailed me and told me our saga had changed the way they look at the issue. Sure we still don’t agree on the issue, but that’s OK. I’m not looking for everyone to have the same viewpoint here. What I am seeking is respect. Basic human decency. Something those pro-life (an misleading characterization if ever there was one) protesters are severely lacking.

And I can say without hesitation that our 16-week-old Alex changed a handful of opinions.

She also did something equally important. Little Alex made me a better man, father and husband. Life is never more precious than when you lose it. As pained as I was by losing Alex, she made me love my wife and son even more. When those people cut down my wife at her weakest point I felt the very core of my male DNA power up to prehistoric levels. I went into Protector Mode. At that point the only difference between me and my caveman descendants was my cell phone camera. Not that I didn’t love my wife before, but this reminded me just how much I love her. How strong and beautiful and wonderful she is. And it also renewed my appreciation for Will, who is happy and healthy. I will never take that for granted ever again.

So we will think of another name if we have a daughter in the future, because we already had a daughter named Alex. And while we never got to meet her, we will love and remember her forever. And hopefully so will some of you.