Tag Archives: humor

Where Parents and Serial Killers Meet

Sam had his first haircut this morning. Goodbye curly mullet locks of baby blonde cuteness, hello to him looking 10 years old in minutes.

Such is life when you have young ones. 

When the hairdresser began cutting, she turned to us and asked if we wanted to keep some of the hair. My initial reaction was to laugh, but before I could say or do anything my wife gave an enthusiastic yes. So we took it.

When we got home, MJ immediately went to the bookshelf and took out a Daddy Files book my brother put together for me as a gift. She opened it up and I was floored at what I saw.

More hair. Specifically, the hair from Will’s first haircut. And that’s when I worried we might have bypassed eccentric and crossed into creepy. 

What’s the plan with the hair and teeth we parents save? What will we do with them? What’s the end game? Because honestly, it made me feel like we had a little too much in common with some very bad people.

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The 11 Most Obnoxious Internet Commenters

Image: FLICKR/babbletrish
Ima?ge: FLICKR/babbletrish (license)

Internet trolls. I hate them. And yet I’m habitually guilty of feeding them.

I’m not proud of it. OK, I’m a little proud of it. Sometimes. But after seven years of writing about controversial topics online, I can say with complete certainty I’m exhausted by Internet trolls and the terrible (yet inevitable) kinds of people who lurk (mostly anonymously) in the dreaded comments section. The ones who you think can’t possibly be that stupid or misguided, yet manage to surprise you every time. The people who have you wondering whether the human race is ultimately doomed. The people you wish would come out of their mom’s basement long enough for you to shine the light of truth and righteousness on them while they scurry back under their bridges. Hopefully without an Internet connection.

I’m not going to list every single one of them.

For instance, I’m leaving off the Grammar Cop because, well, I am one. And despite all of your bitching and moaning, the difference between their, there, and they’re IS that important! Instead, I’m focusing on the big ones. The large, hairy, nasty, atrocious, obnoxious, festering types you find in the comments section, who make you mad enough to kick kittens and punt puppies.

I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to document them here, but without further ado, here is my list of the 11 worst types of internet commenters. Also, I’m alternating between male and female pronouns lest you think Internet trolls are limited to one sex only.

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11. All Caps
An oldie for sure, but still as obnoxious now as when he first honed his craft in AOL chat rooms 20 years ago. If you’re unfamiliar, using all caps online is known as “shouting.” And unfortunately, many people think they can stop losing an argument BY TYPING IN ALL CAPS TO MAKE THE POINT THAT THEY ARE RIGHT BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY THE LOUDEST PERSON ALWAYS WINS THE ARGUMENT NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!! These poor souls don’t realize their stupid, vile comments are no more acceptable or correct just because everything is capitalized.

10. Only Reads the Headline
I once wrote a piece titled “Frozen Turned My Son Gay.” Spoiler alert: Frozen didn’t really turn my son gay. Cinderella did. You see? That’s me using a forgotten and frequently misunderstood tool called sarcasm, to prove how ridiculous it is that some bigots out there were claiming a movie had the power and capability to affect a child’s sexuality. But you would only have known that by, you know, actually reading the article instead of merely a five-word headline. It’s stunningly sad this has to be said in 2015, but it’s important to read the thing on which you’re planning to comment.

9. Link Spammer
This jerk doesn’t have the time to personally educate you as to all the reasons you’re wrong. So instead of making her case, she’s going to send you links. Lots and lots of them. Here’s a link to this study, here’s another link to this guy’s academic research paper, and here’s another to a blog post she wrote in which she referenced more studies with more links. She knows no one has time to read them all, so she’s going to maintain she proved her point with the links but you’re too lazy to read them so you must be wrong. It’s the online equivalent of blinding people with paperwork so they get distracted and give up.

8. The Hitler Guy
The one troll I automatically dismiss and refuse to engage any further is “the Hitler guy.” Simply put, he’s the one who winds up comparing everything to Hitler and Nazi Germany.  It’s Godwin’s Law – “the theory that as an online discussion progresses, it becomes inevitable that someone or something will eventually be compared to Adolf Hitler or the Nazis, regardless of the original topic.” Against gun control? You know the Nazis limited weapons, right? Did your town ban trans fats? What is this, Nazi Germany? Unhappy with the teachers union? Clearly they’re the educational gestapo. Do not engage the Hitler guy and try to shut him down. Wanna know why? Because that’s exactly what the Nazis would do!!!

7. All Memes, All the Time
This person has no words. However, she has amassed a library of memes and uses them religiously during arguments. Because responding to valid criticism with pictures of Grumpy Cat and Willy Wonka really drives your point home.

trollmeme

6. Captain Politics/Blame Obama
You could be talking about butterflies and rainbows, but “Captain Politics” will find a way to turn the conversation political and divisive. And, of course, it’s always capped off by blaming President Obama. Because rainbows are gay and butterflies are traditionally thought of as symbols of change, which means Obama is clearly trying to push his liberal agenda of gayness in an attempt to weaken the state of Christianity in this country because he’s really a Muslim who is NOT EVEN FROM HERE!

5. The Racist/Homophobe/Misogynist
These are easy to spot. Just look for a string of insensitive and disgusting slurs complete with terrible grammar and lots of misspellings. As a bonus, you can Grammar Police their nonsense and point out how stupid they are afterward — a trolling of the trolls so to speak — which does bring out more of their idiocy, but makes you feel better as well. So it’s a wash.

4. The Martyr
This is one of my favorites to hate on, because they really don’t see their own stupidity. This gal’s calling card will be terms like “Well I’m entitled to my opinion” and “You’re trying to take away my freedom of speech just because I disagree with you.” What this person doesn’t realize is since she just spewed her unbelievably terrible opinion, she demonstrated her freedom of speech which is very much intact. Furthermore, she also can’t see that while she is free to have an opinion, she is not immune from the fallout of stating said opinion. These trolls either don’t know or don’t care that while freedom of speech means they won’t be put in jail for projectile vomiting their filth in public, they are absolutely and unequivocally responsible for facing the consequences of those words. But rather than face up to them, they cry foul and claim they’re the ones being bullied. Because they’re stupid.

3. The Purveyor of Non-reliable Information
This is The Link Spammer’s dumber, more dangerous cousin. He finds something on the Internet that validates his preexisting opinion on a topic, and he runs with it. He publishes it on Facebook with an incendiary diatribe methodically listing out all the problems and the ways in which is is wrong. WRONG I SAY!! The only problem? It’s not true. Because it’s from an extremist website that literally makes shit up. The reason I say he’s “dangerous” is because too many people don’t bother checking their sources, which is how this misinformation winds up spreading like a disease all over social media. Bonus points when this clown becomes infuriated over a completely fictitious piece of made up satirical news, a la The Onion.

2. I Don’t Care/I’m Done With This Conversation
These people might be my favorite of the bunch. They’ll emphatically state they don’t care, and they’ll leave comments such as “No one gives a shit about any of this!” Right. Because the best way to show you don’t care about something is taking time out of your busy day to write a comment and post it online. That’ll show ‘em, Tiger. Then, when you call them out and they’ve “not cared” for eight or nine more comments, they’ll publicly announce they’re leaving and they’re done with this because they have better things to do. Newsflash: they care and they don’t have anything better to do. Because people who don’t care don’t bother, and people who want to leave just leave. They don’t stick around and belabor the point for 53 more comments.

1. There Are More Important Things
“This is what you care about? Out of all the things happening in the world, you’re arguing about this?” Holy hell, for the love of Pete, shut your mouth with this crap! In my opinion, this is the single dumbest comment anyone on the Internet can make. Why? Because of course there are more important things. No one is saying otherwise. But by their “logic,” all any of us should be discussing is The. Most. Important. Thing. But, ummm…what is the most important thing? And who gets to decide that? Is it world hunger? Cancer? Sex trafficking? War? Look, just because something isn’t the most important thing, doesn’t mean it’s not important. Right now hundreds of dad bloggers are trying to honor our friend Oren Miller, who recently died of cancer, by getting Amazon to change it’s diaper subscription service from Amazon Mom to Amazon Family (sign the petition, please). Is this the most pressing issue the world is facing? No. Is it important to us and involved fatherhood? Absolutely. So we’re focusing on it. And many of us are doing it as we simultaneously support initiatives to end hunger, the gender wage gap, and other huge issues. So knock off this crap about “don’t you have more important things to do?” There are enough issues for all of us to focus on, you sanctimonious boobs.

So, that’s my list. Did I miss any?

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Why All Parents Should Volunteer in Their Child’s Classroom

willsdad

It’s Friday. And I love Fridays.

For the last couple of months I’ve been volunteering on Friday mornings at my son’s school. I was nervous at first because I’m not someone who volunteers for anything. I’ll happily lend support from the sidelines where I can blog and snark from the cozy, reclusive cheap seats, but actually volunteering? It always gave me the willies.

But after getting leveled with some hurtful but totally accurate criticism from my wife about being a naysayer who never throws his hat in the ring to actually make a difference, I decided it was time to put up or shut up.

Best. Decision. Ever.

The work itself isn’t glamorous, as it mostly consists of making photocopies. And by mostly, I mean all I do is make photocopies. And after my first time, I almost never came back. Between learning the copier, correcting and preventing paper jams, figuring out the toner, getting paper cuts, and getting interrupted by teachers who need to make emergency copies on the spot, it’s a bit overwhelming at first.

I guess the rational part of my mind knew all those copies had to be made by someone, and that someone is usually the teacher. But as a parent, all the worksheets just magically appear in Will’s backpack. It’s kind of like sausage in that regard — I don’t really think about how it’s made. I’m just glad it’s there.

Well let me tell you something folks, I’ve now seen how the sausage is made and how much time it takes to produce. And frankly, I’m not sure how teachers have the time to, you know, actually TEACH with all the damn copies they have to make. Needless to say, I’m happy to take some of the copying and stapling duties off the plates of teachers if it means they can spend more time instructing students.

And speaking of the classroom, that’s by far my favorite part.

I get a sneak peek into Will’s classroom during the day. On Valentine’s Day, I even got to chaperone a little party they had. I get to put faces with all the stories Will brings home about his classmates. I get to see the classroom Will describes in vivid detail. But most importantly, I get to be his hero during this unbelievably brief time that hero status can be achieved just by showing up to school to make a few copies.

When he sees me walk in his face lights up and he’s proud that I’m there. All the other kids rush over and greet me by my new name — “Will’s Dad.” I’m not Aaron or Mr. Gouveia or even Mr. G. Just Will’s Dad, which might sound like a loss of identity, but is actually anything but.

Will leans his head against me and whispers “I’m glad you’re here.” The other kids recognize me and wave. Some of them show me their new Patriots shirts, others have bracelets they’ve made, and I’m always besieged by play date requests for them to play with Will. I know almost all of their names now, and I’m a tiny part of their routine. And it’s glorious.

When I’m done making my copies, they’re usually at gym or music so the classroom is empty. I drop the gargantuan pile of copies on the teacher’s desk and then I grab a sticky note. Every week I write a message to my son and leave it on his desk as a surprise when he gets back. I tell him I love him and I sign it the same way.

“Love,
Will’s Dad”

If you can find the time, volunteer at your child’s school. It helps the teacher, your kids will love it, and you’ll find joy in a completely unexpected place. And if you need help with the copier, just holler.

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7 Things New Englanders Can Love About This Snow

snowyenough

So I live in New England. Massachusetts, to be exact. And if you haven’t heard, we’ve got a little bit of snow up here.

Boston has seen 95.7 inches of snow this winter. But what’s really amazing is 90 inches has fallen in the last three weeks. I repeat, more than 7 feet of snow has pummeled us in the last 21 DAYS! Granted, we’re used to snow up here. But this? This is a lot. This is record-breaking. And understandably, this region is quickly reaching its collective breaking point.

In my town, school was canceled an unprecedented six times. It’s more in other places. Not only does that mean parents have to stay home from work to take care of their kids, it also means Massachusetts students could be watching July 4 fireworks from inside a classroom.

Also, the snow has made driving a nightmare. Lucky for the citizens of greater Boston there’s public transportation, right? Wrong. The MBTA (or the T as locals call it) is in shambles, its failing infrastructure put on display by the metric ton of snow that’s fallen. Trains are canceled on nearly every line, and the best estimate is at least 30 days to get back to normal (barring any additional snowstorms).

Lack of parking, property damage, canceled flights — you name it, we’re experiencing it. And we’re sick of it.

But instead of complaining, I’m going to put on my optimist hat and play devil’s advocate. I’m going to find the silver lining of the white blanket covering my beloved homeland. Starting with these seven things.

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7. SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO
They say when you’re going through a rough time you need to fixate on something good. Something you can look forward to. I had a package delivered to my front door prior to the late January storm that dropped the first 2 feet of snow on us, but I forgot it on my front steps and now it’s buried under 7-foot snow drifts. I have no idea what it is, but when the snow melts in August I’m going to be SUPER excited to see what’s in there!

6. WAXING PHILOSOPHICAL
I took a philosophy class in college and liked it. Unfortunately I haven’t had much of an opportunity to engage in deep thinking for the sake of deep thinking, but this snowpocalypse changed all that. On my son’s sixth canceled day of school — after we had opened every puzzle, activity book, and weird Christmas gift that lives in the dark recesses of the upstairs closet — we started talking about the snow. About its sheer volume. And then my son said it’s weird to him that he hasn’t seen the ground or the grass in almost a month. And I said that made me wonder if it was even there. Then he said it must be there because the snow is sitting on top of SOMETHING that’s holding it in place. Then I said maybe it’s like Neo’s spoon from the Matrix, and there is no ground. But talk of a spoon made us both hungry, and hot soup interrupted what was sure to be crystal clear insight regarding the origins of the universe.

5. GETTING LOST IN PLAY
Speaking of my son Will, I’m worried he’s been using the iPad too much. After all, Minecraft is kiddie heroin. So I told my son to go outside and get lost in the exploration of nature in all of its snowy goodness. Unfortunately, I forgot how deep the snow drifts are and “losing yourself in play” has taken on a whole new meaning. Yes, that’s actually him. Well, it’s his head anyway.
Willburied

4. LEARNING PATIENCE
As an impatient man, I’m ever so grateful to this monumental amount of snow for teaching me patience in so many forms. For instance, spending 60-90 minutes shoveling the deck, steps, walkway, and front of the driveway was exhausting to say the least. But when I was done, I was able to soak in the glory of a job well done for all of .64 seconds before turning around and seeing 5 inches of fresh powder in the place I had just cleared. Furthermore, I’ve also learned to be patient of those of you who don’t live around here, posting your beach photos. Or worse, absently complaining about temperatures dipping into the 50s which requires you to dig out your winter sweaters. I swear, I only made this face approximately 5,000 times before I eventually reverted to hitting myself in the face with a cast iron skillet so I wouldn’t hunt all of you down and skin you alive.

3. HELPING A FRIEND WITH HIS LOVE LIFE
One of my friends from out of the area is divorced and having some trouble meeting women. However, these apocalyptic snowstorms gave me an idea and helped him out of his rut. With ice dams ravaging the roofs of thousands of area homes and causing unspeakable property damage, stores can’t keep roof rakes and roof melt in stock for more than a few minutes. So he bought a roof rake on Amazon and loaded his truck up with melt, drove to Boston, and is now eyeball deep in New England women who would gladly toss Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady out of bed for a chance to be with my friend(‘s roof rake).

2. A CHANCE FOR BOSTONIANS TO MEET THEIR NEIGHBORS
Cities can be impersonal places at times, but these The Day After Tomorrow level storms have changed all that. You see, parking spaces on the street are already hard to come by, but in snowy weather it gets even more scarce. So if you see a dug out spot but it’s got a cone or a chair in it, here’s what you do. Get out of your car, move the object holding the space, put it on the sidewalk, and park your car in the space. I guarantee in just a few short minutes, you’ll meet your neighbor. Hell, you’ll probably meet your neighbor’s whole family as they rush out to meet you and have a few words. And next time, don’t be surprised if they graduate from a chair to a couch to save that public spot to which they have absolutely no claim whatsoever. Grandpa Sully and Grandma Marge will sooner move their entire living room to the street and freeze to death before giving up “their” spot that isn’t really theirs at all.

1. A NEW FOUND APPRECIATION FOR LIFE
As the snow has piled up, so too has my respect for the fragility of human life and my appreciation to be alive. You see, nearly 8 feet of snow has fallen. That means after the plows are done, the banks are 10, 12, or even 15 feet high. Higher than street signs in many places. So it goes without saying, way higher than my car. Every single day as I pull out of my driveway, I drive in the shadow of the Reaper — for I have no idea whether or not a car is coming from either direction. Honestly. I roll the window down to listen for unseen, oncoming traffic. I make my way out, inch by inch, straining my neck the entire time to see if a tractor trailer is about to end my life. At a certain point of no return, you have to just gun it and hope for the best. It’s the traffic version of Russian Roulette and it is truly unavoidable. And terrifying. But the silver lining is I’m grateful to be alive — until I hit the next intersection and do it all over again.

Hang in there fellow New Englanders, March is almost upon us.

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11 Ways Valentine’s Day Has Changed After Kids

vdayparents

Look, I wasn’t too fond of Valentine’s Day before I got married and had kids. It’s a contrived, ostentatious “holiday” that does nothing but set impossibly high expectations and create an atmosphere conducive to crashing and burning when the bar isn’t met.

But it doesn’t stop most people from trying.

When I was sans children, I definitely tried to put the saint in St. Valentine’s. I was flowers, jewelry, expensive dinners, and handwritten poetry. Rhyming poetry. In fact, one poem I wrote to a girl started with “On this day of St. Valentine, I’m oh so happy you are mine.” Yup, that’s right. I won’t go so far as to call myself a stud, but yeah — pretty much a stud when it came to Feb. 14 romance. Anyway…

MJ and I were like most couples before they have kids. We were attentive, passionate, and we couldn’t imagine a scenario in which stepping on a LEGO could be an injury that lands us on the sexual injured reserve list (and by us I mean me). We were young, hot, and could choose to spend Valentine’s Day weekend in a tropical paradise if we wanted.

But as kids arrived and time slipped past us, things have most assuredly changed.

As most parents will tell you, children bring a ton of joy to your lives. However, they also have a tendency to bring about the death of romance, sex, and yes — Valentine’s Day. If you’re a parent, these before and after descriptions might have you nodding your head in agreement. If you’re an expectant parent, you might wonder what the hell you were thinking. And if you’re a hot, young, fancy-free couple who gets to have Valentine’s Day sex without using SpongeBob as a distraction, I hate you. And stop judging me.

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Before: You probably went the first year without farting in the other person’s presence. You held it in and put yourself through gastrointestinal torture just to preserve the romance and aura, only releasing the horror outside after you two were finished watching The Notebook and promising to be just like Noah and Allie (yeah I watched it, so what??) forever.
After: Someone just ripped a horrible, nasty fart and now the scent is wafting through the air like a WMD. Also, you don’t even know who it was. Partner, kids, or the dog. For a second you actually have to think about whether or not it was you. Because life with kids is one noxious scent after another, and you can’t help but think how much of a prick that Nicholas Sparks is for his damn, dirty lies.

Before: Remember how you used to search high and low for the perfect Valentine’s Day card? One of those decorative, doily type deals with lace and fancy trimmings. And the wording on the inside described a love eternal, a flame burning hot, and unbridled passion that would bring tears to any eye and yearning to all loins.
After: Shit! You forgot what day it is. Now the store is all out of cards and you’ve only got minutes to spare to get something done. In a panic, you grab some paper and crayons and tell the kids to get busy. The result is a bunch of nonsensical scribbles or yet another tracing of their hands. On the inside is a hastily written “Happy Valentine’s Day! We love you!” And you know she can’t say anything to criticize it because then she’s a bad mom who doesn’t appreciate artwork from her kids. Because who needs those fancy store bought cards when this is from the heart??

Before: I remember one year, I believe it was our first Valentine’s Day, MJ went all out. She had candles lit and the room all decorated, and made a night just for me. In fact, she even put a whole bunch of Hershey’s Kisses on the ground, and told me it’s because she kisses the ground I walk on (no really, this happened!).
After: The floor? Hahahaha!! No one has seen the floor in weeks because of all these toys.

Before: Speaking of chocolates, I used to get MJ divine candies for Valentine’s Day. Boxes of delicious little treats with who knows what kind of scrumptious filling inside. Which one am I holding now? Only one way to find out. Now let me seductively feed this to you in perfect, sexy little increments.
After: Ummmmm…the store was out of chocolate. But I think I remember Sam dropped a half-eaten Peppermint Patty behind the couch. Don’t worry, I’ll get it for you — because romance.

Before: I have one word for you: massage. Ooooooh yeah, baby. You know what I’m talking about. I slowly undress you and lay you down on the bed. Then I get my array of oils and gently but firmly rub my hands all over your body. I massage you into a state of simultaneous relaxation and anticipation until neither one of us can take it any longer!
After: Well, I guess a kid walking on your back kind of counts as a massage.

Before: That hip and fancy new tapas restaurant? You’re damn right I have reservations. I’ve had them for a month because I know how much you were looking forward to this. Order anything you want off the menu baby, tonight is your night. We’ll dine like royalty and then we’ll have “dessert” at home.
After: Crap, we forgot to get a sitter and there are none available because it’s Valentine’s Day. Well, we could try going out to eat with the kids. Yeah, you’re right — terrible idea. Oh well, so should I order pizza or Chinese? Or how about leftovers??

Before: Sweet googly moogly, when I think back on what MJ was wearing during Valentine’s Day of old — yowza! She was dressed to the nines with full make-up, fancy earrings, a dress that makes men fall to their knees, and heels higher than Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused. Like she stepped out of Vogue and onto the runway. Hell, even I managed to put on a suit and tie once in a while and flirt with looking dapper.
After: She’s in yoga pants. I’m in pajamas. Will has a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle outfit on and Sam is sporting this season’s latest diaper trend from Target. Also, is that poop or chocolate on your sleeve? Yeah, you’re probably right. Best not to find out.

Before: Foreplay. When I think back on how much time we had before kids for all things related to sexy time — hellllloooooo nurse! Not to go all TMI on you, but most couples I know were like us. Enjoying being together for hours in various states of undress, taking your time, whispering sweet nothings, whispering dirty somethings, and generally letting the proverbial oven heat up until the timer goes DING!
After: Foreplay consists of the brief moments before someone shouts “JUST HURRY UP AND FINISH, THE BABY IS WAKING UP!!!”

Before: Sex. Doin’ it. Gettin’ busy. The main event. After all, isn’t that what Valentine’s Day is REALLY about? All the fancy dinners, gifts, cards, etc. are really just a prelude to taking a trip to Funky Town. And couples with no kids can do that any time they want. Anywhere they want. At any volume they want. For so many, sex is the end all be all and if it’s good, then everything else is good.
After: Hey parents, without thinking about it tell me which one of these you’d rather do — sleep together or be able to sleep in? Yeah, thought so.

Before: Think back to pre-kid times and try to remember what you did after sex on Valentine’s Day. I bet there was some cuddling and almost certainly some spooning. Whether you were big spoon or little spoon, you had time to reflect on the earth-rattling experience the two of you just created, while you breathe in her heavenly scent and feel his strong arms wrapped around you in a beautiful embrace.
After: Get on your own side of the bed! Don’t you dare cross the unseen but very real border that separates us and maintains the delicate peace as we struggle to get scraps of sleep.

Before: At the end of a beautiful Valentine’s Day that consisted of looking our finest, eating an exquisite meal, receiving lovely cards and gifts, and was capped off by the best session of lovemaking EVER, what’s left to do? Chat for a bit about life while gently trailing off to sleep as we gaze into the wonder of each other’s eyes, naturally.
After: Wanna binge-watch Netflix?

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