Even before Will was born I wondered what he’d look like, how he’d act as a toddler, taking him to Fenway & Gillette for the first time and how he’d act as a precocious teenager. But then I stopped because I remembered my own teen years and the mere thought of being on the other end of that hot mess scared the holy hell out of me.

So I decided in that moment to write a letter to future Will, eight years from now on his 12th birthday, which I’ll keep and hopefully read in the future when I’m ready to tear my hair out. Here goes:
To my oldest son William on his 12th birthday.

Dear Will,
It seems impossible to me that in one more year you’ll be a teenager.
You are so big now, and every year I get more and more proud of you.

I wanted to write you this letter because maybe I can explain
what I want to say in writing better than I can in person.
As you get older, the pressures on you will get tougher and tougher.
You will have to make important decisions almost everyday,
decisions which will affect your life forever. Decisions like
“Should I try smoking cigarettes?” “Should I try any drugs?”
“Should I drink beer or alcohol?” and “Should I have sex with anyone?”|

You are also going to have feelings or desires to do things, or ideas
that you’ll think about that you think makes you weird. What you won’t realize
is that everyone is weird—just being you is what’s important.

Growing up is hard on a kid—I know. And it helps a lot to have parents
you can talk to, who will listen and not make fun of what you think.
Your mother has always been a great parent. She listens and understands.
I’ve always been too busy or impatient to really listen to you, and I know
you think I’m an old fart who doesn’t understand.

But the truth is, as you grow up Will, I’m growing up as a father.
Now I know it’s more important to listen than to yell.
I can remember how hard it was being 12 and I want to be there to help you.
It’s important to have a father at home to talk to about stupid things like girls,
or being embarrassed about something, or to ask if this ever happened to him.

As great as your mom is, some things you want to discuss with your dad.
I want you to know that I will try to be a listener, not a lecturer.
I will try and help you help yourself, not tell you what to do.

I know I haven’t done a great job so far, but I hope
you’ll give me a chance and trust me. I won’t let you down.
I love you,
Dad

Cool letter huh? Wanna know something even cooler? This is the exact letter my own father wrote to me 20 years ago when I turned 12.

Call this one of the perks of moving back home at 32—you find funny stuff from decades ago. But the silver lining is I’m once again reminded I never had to look beyond my own two parents to learn how to be a good one myself.

Parenting is tough work no matter what. Whether you’re at home planning arts & crafts and doing all the cooking, cleaning and childcare, or rushing home to parent after punching the clock following a full day at the office, we all work hard and face uphill battles. Stay-at-home parents (and I know and love a ton of them) often sacrifice their careers to make sure they can raise their kids right. It’s tough going days without adult contact and dealing with some ignorant people who look down their nose at you because you’re not working 9 to 5 (this is especially true for stay-at-home dads). I’m not sure I could hack it and that’s why I praise all the men and women who choose this route.

But one of the perks of being a stay-at-home parent is exactly what I just mentioned: praise.

Moms who choose to stay at home have long been looked at as heroes. They call it “the toughest yet most rewarding job in the world,” and bloggers fill up virtual tomes with flowery prose about how much work stay-at-home parents do, how it’s non-stop, how they’re under-appreciated, how they make the world go ’round, etc. And even stay-at-home dads—although fairly new on the scene—are now escaping the initial public backlash to their new roles. Public sentiment is shifting in their favor as more men than ever are staying at home with their kids, and these dads are rightfully being celebrated for their contributions on the home front.

But let’s face it, there are certain perks to staying at home.

First of all, there’s no commute. Second, you’re working from home in a non-office environment. And while I totally get how watching Caillou for the billionth time or dealing with a screaming child(ren) can be super annoying, the fact is you’re still watching TV and playing with your kids. Kids who (probably) take naps during the day, allowing you to either catch up on other chores in peace or take a nap yourself. You can leave the TV on, play the radio loud and spend all day in your PJs if that’s what you want. This isn’t me calling stay-at-home parents lazy—not by a longshot. It’s just the truth of the matter.

But working parents don’t have that luxury. My commute isn’t as bad as it used to be, but it still takes up anywhere from 2-3 hours a day. I leave before the sun comes up and get home long after dark. And in between those two occurrences, I’m at the office. I’m dealing with bosses, deadlines, trying to get promoted, trying to make more money and constantly under enormous pressure to produce. Not to mention the pressure that comes with being the primary breadwinner and knowing that if I slip up at work and lose my job, we’re totally screwed.

Then, when I come home, I have anywhere from 60-90 minutes to play with my son. Talk to him about his day, play dinosaurs with him, give him a bath, read him some books and put him to bed.

But guess what? Just because I’m home doesn’t mean I’ve stopped working.

Smartphones and the Internet have created less of a Work-Life Balance and more of a Work-Life Blend. Essentially what that means is to be successful in this day and age, you can’t just check out after 5 p.m. Emails follow me on my phone, my social media responsibilities pop up via Twitter and Facebook notifications as I put out fires and respond to customers in real-time and I take occasional work calls late into the night. All while trying to remain as involved a dad as I can and retain some semblance of being a husband.

The real beauty of being a stay-at-home parent, at least in my opinion, is being able to totally give yourself over to the task at hand. Those who stay at home are doing great work and they throw themselves into it. I know full well the stay-at-home parents in my life give 110% and are absolutely terrific.

But compare that to working parents. We’re still giving 110%, but it’s split between work and home. But you know what happens when you give 55% at work and 55% at home? You constantly feel like you’re not doing enough in either role and you’re perpetually torn between the two. While stay-at-home parents can say with complete certainty they’ve devoted themselves to their kids, working parents are in limbo. They have to work to bring in money so their spouse can afford to stay at home, but they can’t work so much that they become strangers to their families. But the line between work and home is constantly shifting or being redrawn in the sand.

Meanwhile, how many times have you read an article calling for working parents (usually it’s aimed at dads) to spend less time at the office and more time at home? To create more of a work-life balance? To come home after work and immediately go into father/husband mode, taking over chores and childcare duties for the mom who has been at home with the kid(s) all day? I’ve read countless pieces calling for working dads to do all these things, lest they be thought of as slackers compared to stay-at-home moms.

But why doesn’t anyone suggest these stay-at-home parents go work part-time jobs and contribute financially once they’re done taking care of the kids for the day?

That clicking noise you just heard was the collective sound of stay-at-home parents everywhere cocking their proverbial guns in preparation for my execution. I know no one is supposed to say anything that even remotely criticizes stay-at-home parents (especially moms), and that’s really not my intention. I understand every family situation is different and no two circumstances are ever the same. I get it. Decisions to work or stay at home are most often a joint decision based on what’s best for the particular family in question. And I’m not knocking that decision either way.

But it just really irks me how stay-at-home parents are afforded sanctuary from criticism and are seemingly beyond reproach, while working parents are automatically expected to simply suck it up and pull double duty.

Stay-at-home parents are celebrated for their devotion and self-sacrifice. And if those parents do decide to enter the workforce, they’re celebrated again. Moms especially, as more and more studies show women have a stronger desire to take on more responsibility as they become breadwinners. And while dads who decide to be full-time stay-at-home parents certainly face some discrimination and snide looks, the tide is turning and public sentiment is in their favor. They’re being rightfully praised as progressive and involved.

But when it comes to working parents (again, I’m focusing mainly on dads here), I read articles like this one that bash working dads who come home and don’t immediately do the laundry, the dishes and mop the floors after a full day at the office. They even advocate women withholding sex as punishment for not helping out. You know, because sex between married people should totally be used as a weapon.

Then there’s statistics like this one from Salary.com (where I work full-time as a content manager for full disclosure), in which 2,000 people were surveyed. While 2/3 of all men said they’d be willing to support a stay-at-home parent, only 35% of women said the same for men. And nearly 1/3 of all women said they would flat out refuse to support a stay-at-home husband.

Talk about your mixed messages. Some people are saying we’re working too much, yet the age-old pressure to be the breadwinner and provider is still very much in effect.

And while being with my son is my top priority when I get home from work at 6:30 p.m. before his 8 p.m. bedtime, the dishes are not. The laundry is not. Vacuuming is not. Because you know what? If you’re a stay-at-home parent that stuff should be mostly done already. Yeah, I said it. And I don’t feel bad about it one bit. When you choose to be a stay-at-home parent you’re committing to taking on the bulk of childcare duties and household duties. The cooking and the cleaning. Case in point, MJ is out of work right now and stays at home while going to school once a week. Assuming she didn’t have anything out of the ordinary going on, should I expect her to have dinner prepared, the laundry done and have the house in order? Hell yes! Why shouldn’t I? I’m not talking about sparkling floors or building an addition on the house mind you, but stay-at-home parents should absolutely be taking care of household duties.

Working parents should pitch in and do their part, no question. But if a working parent is expected to earn 100% of the money, why is it out of line to expect the stay-at-home parent to do 100% of household duties? It’s the very definition of a double standard, but no one ever addresses it because it’s not politically correct.

And before you get on me, it would be the same for me if I was at home and she was working. This isn’t about gender, it’s about a division of labor and responsibility. I just find it highly questionable that working parents are fully expected to come home and “relieve” the stay-at-home parent, but if you suggest to the stay-at-home parent he/she should find a part-time, paying job at night, you’re suddenly an asshole. It doesn’t make any sense.

The point of this post is not to cause further division between the two sects or diminish in any way what stay-at-home parents do. My mom was a stay-at-home mom, my wife is now (at least for the time being) a stay-at-home mom and I’ve connected with so many wonderful men and women who have chosen this route. You all work hard and your efforts are unbelievably appreciated.

But my point is I’d like to see a little more love for working parents. Instead of telling us we don’t do enough, how about the media and the blogosphere thanks us for the contributions we are making. The money, the security and providing the opportunity for one parent to be home in the first place. Working parents are feeling the squeeze both at the office and at home, stressing themselves out at the thought of having one foot in each world at all times and worrying we’re not doing either to the fullest extent.

Anyone who can walk that tightrope is just as worthy of being celebrated as the esteemed stay-at-home folks.

First of all, I want to say thank you to the Babble editors. All snarkiness aside, I really am honored they decided my blog was worthy of inclusion on the list. If you click on the other guys you’ll see I’m in some pretty amazing company, something that is not lost on me. And the fact that this list appears to have been put together by real people doing actual research as opposed to the linkbait, online popularity contests is very refreshing.

But when you wade into a community and start anointing some and not others, there are bound to be hurt feelings and sour grapes.

First of all some guys were upset they didn’t make it. Well, they didn’t come right out and say they were hurt by being left off the list. It came out as “These lists are stupid” and “This is nothing but a popularity contest.” Then people wrote lengthy posts about how they’ve been at this for longer than half the people on Babble’s list and how the lack of inclusion on some list should never impact your sense of self-worth. Because the fastest way to show people you don’t care about being left off the list is obviously to write a post devoted solely to the same subject.

Sorry, but I call bullshit.

Look, if you truly started a dad blog simply because you wanted to keep a record of life with a child then fine. But frankly, I think most people who say this are completely and utterly full of shit. Most writers crave recognition, positive feedback and affirmation. We want comments from people who are moved by us, thousands upon thousands of people clicking our respective “Like” buttons and countless followers on Twitter. And in that vein, we like it when we’re recognized by established sites that increase our exposure.

Why are we all so afraid to admit this? Because people will think we’re shallow? Newsflash: parent bloggers spend many, many hours writing about ourselves on a non-stop basis. Some do it better than others and appeal to a broader audience, but in the end what we do is shallow and self-absorbed. And seeking validation is not something about which I’m ashamed. I work hard on this blog and my writing. So when that hard work is recognized, you’re damn right I’m happy. And when it’s not, I’m pissed.

Case in point, Backpacking Dad made up a list of the Top 25 Sexiest Dad Bloggers. It was a completely random list based on Shawn’s warped sense of humor. It has little to no meaning and was obviously meant to elicit a few laughs. And I was kinda pissed I wasn’t on it.

But the controversy about the dad blogger list was not relegated to the ranks of men.

CecilyK, a Babble mom blogger, wrote a post that not only concerned the release of the list, but griped about dads griping about the list. Then, she dropped this on us:

I also find it fairly ironic (and somewhat irritating) that dad bloggers
are insisting that they be awarded the same attention, accolades and respect that
mom bloggers get –- which, hilariously, is actually very little.
You’ll forgive my cynicism; I was just reminded that women will make
two million dollars LESS in their lifetimes than their male colleagues,
so I’m having a lot of trouble with dads feeling left out of much of anything.

Yeah. Equality is a totally unreasonable request. Especially considering most women are constantly calling for fathers to be MORE involved, so naturally it’s a good idea to essentially tell dads to quit their bitching when they do just that. And launching into the completely unrelated wage gap issue was equal parts confusing and annoying.

(I should note Cecily K wrote this follow-up post in which she interviewed Jason Avant which was nice to see)

Then there was this piece which wasn’t so bad in and of itself, but spawned a comment which had me seeing red. A commenter named Kim wrote:

Can’t you let us have *anything*, men?
Why is it necessary for men to have equality
in mom-blogging? It’s MOM-BLOGGING.

Wow. I mean…wow! She actually asked why men need equality when it comes to writing about being a parent. And she called that writing “Mom-blogging.” As if anyone who writes about his/her children is automatically a “mom blogger.” Which supports the very real and misguided notion that real parents are moms, and dads are an afterthought.

I wonder how Kim would feel if I said “Why is it necessary for women to have equality in the board room? After all, it’s BUSINESS and the work world belongs to men.” I’m betting that one would go over about as well as, ummm—about as well as a dad invading mommy parenting turf.

I’m just sick of it all. I’m sick of some dad writers pretending they don’t care about recognition. Yes, we all enjoy the brotherhood and support of being in a great online network. That’s certainly been a spectacular byproduct of blogging. But the sooner you’re honest with yourself and admit you’re in this for more than just the “love of the game,” the sooner we can all move on. And maybe if you write with that in mind, you’ll make more of these lists you claim you want no part of.

And moms, cut the bullshit. We all know you ladies are way more organized, successful and powerful than we are. For now. But you’re also FAR more catty, so let’s stop feigning outrage over some minor dad-on-dad crime. And honestly moms, how about treating us as allies instead of potential enemies? You can’t get mad that men don’t put in enough time as husbands and fathers and then turn around and complain that we’re invading your turf. We’re not the Jets and Sharks and there’s no reason this has to end in a knife fight.

Although if I don’t make the next big list, that’s exactly what’s gonna happen!

Today is my mom’s birthday, which gets overshadowed by Mother’s Day every single year. Then when I got married and became a father, her special days were obscured even more by the fact that Mother’s Day became mostly about MJ (and rightfully so). And unfortunately, since I’m pretty broke these days, I don’t have a real gift for her. Which is pretty awful since she gives us EVERYTHING and has since we were kids.

So I’m baking her a cake, which is miraculous because the idea of me baking anything scares most people to death. And maybe there’s something to that because I cooked the cake with olive oil instead of vegetable oil. I thought they were interchangeable. What can I say? I’m no Emeril or PJ at RMDM.

But even though she’d be happy with just seeing her kids, I felt I needed to do a little more. So mom, this blog post is just for you. Happy Birthday and enjoy the list of Things My Mom Taught Me:

“There’s no such thing as being too involved.”

My mom was at every single thing I ever did as a child. I’m not exaggerating either. There isn’t one practice, game, performance or event I can recall that didn’t include my mom. Sure she baked cupcakes, made cookies and did all the usual mom stuff, but she also took it a step further. She drove the bus to my away games in high school. She directed my senior class play, and in a stunning act of nepotism cast me as the lead. She volunteered to chaperone every dance and field trip we had. She found creative ways to help a stressed out, nervous wreck of a kid with math homework. An employer would look at her resume and deduce she took 20 years off, but nothing could be further from the truth. No one has ever worked harder at being a dedicated parent. I got pretty pissy as a teenager because she was around all the time, but now as a parent I see how much good it did me.

“You can never be too corny.”

My mom is cool, but she’s uncool if you know what I mean. As in she’s so gullible and naive and cute that she actually comes around full circle back to cool. And she never hesitated to shower us with love. Not even in front of our friends. She demanded hugs and kisses and refused to let us off the hook when we were teenagers, and giving your mom hugs and kisses was the dorkiest thing a teenage mind could fathom. And even though sometimes she’d get mad because I’d give her all the trouble she could handle, I knew nothing I did would ever cost me her love. And looking back, there’s just no substitute for that kind of reassurance in life. It’s corny, but true.

“Always be on time.”

My mother taught me to always be on time and to value other people’s time. Granted, she accomplished this in a fairly unorthodox manner, because she is and continues to be the most tardy person on the face of the Earth. We were late to everything growing up. My poor brother was late to school 63 times in one term! It might have something to do with the fact that my mom’s cell phone, her watch, her alarm clocks and the clock in the car are all fixed to different times. I’ve never quite figured out the system she’s supposedly using, but I know it doesn’t work. I guess the idea is to set the clock ahead say 10 minutes so you hurry because you think you’re running late. Only when you point this out to my mom she says “It’s OK, that clock is 10 minutes fast.” And then we end up running late. So even though she did it via a circuitous path, my mom is the reason I’m on time or early to every single thing in my life.

“Sacrifice is important.”

I can’t think of too many other people who sacrificed as much as my mom. And it’s not just the big things like being a stay at home parent despite having all the skills in the world to be successful in the workforce. It’s the little things that came with being outnumbered 3 to 1 in the gender department. Take the TV for example. My mom didn’t get to watch anything she wanted. Figure skating, Lifetime, and her favorite movie, The Cutting Edge. We overruled her at every turn in favor of sports and R-rated movies. And when we went on vacation for a week, we’d always get our way for six days, and mom would get one. We liked amusement parks and baseball stadiums. Batting cages, bumper cars, go-carts and everything else boys are into. And we’d go crazy all day long while my mom literally sat there, holding our stuff and watching us. Then, when her one day came, she’d always want to do something like drive through Amish country. And instead of being grateful for our six days and respectful of mom, we’d make sarcastic and snide comments while complaining the entire time. Looking back I’m surprised she didn’t smack us, but I also feel bad we acted like spoiled brats.

So there it is, just a few of many reasons my mom is the shit. I can’t possibly thank her for all she’s done over the years, and all she continues to do now as the World’s Best Grandma. All I can tell her is I appreciate it. Now more than ever. And despite all the teasing and poking fun, I love her and literally have no idea what I’d do without her.

Happy birthday mom.

Mother’s Day is tomorrow, and like all good husbands I’ve been trying to decide what to get my wife as a gift. You all know standard operating procedure calls for such things as jewelry, flowers, chocolate, a meal at a nice restaurant, etc. You know the drill. But I’m here to suggest something else. Something a little less ordinary. The kind of outside-the-box thinking that makes sense to some, but horrifies others.

This year, I’m going to leave my wife the fuck alone.

No I’m not abandoning her to get out of giving her a gift. Quite the contrary actually. I plan to have the whole house clean by early tomorrow morning. The dishes will be done, the sink washed out, the counters wiped down, the floors vacuumed and the kids toys picked up and put away. I’m going to wake up early and make her a nice, big fresh pot of coffee. Then I’m going to cook her breakfast while she’s still asleep. I will bring her breakfast in bed, complete with the morning newspaper that no one else has read, chewed on, ripped up or peed on yet (the cats are assholes!). Then I’m going to give her a card and a kiss, pack myself and Will in the car and drive away for a few hours.

Let’s face it, moms do a lot. They are selfless and unrelenting in their duties, often failing to take any time for themselves. You moms out there, let me ask you a question. When was the last time you spent 3 hours alone on a Sunday morning free to do anything you want to do? Whether it’s read a book, watch crappy Lifetime TV or sit and relax in a bubble bath without a demon child running in to throw things at you or demand your attention? I bet it’s been awhile. I know it has for MJ, who works like a dog in order to make this family tick.

I’m a dad and for Father’s Day I know I like to have a little time for myself. I value being free of my household chores for a day, and having MJ pick up the bulk of the diaper changes and daily minutiae involved with caring for a 2-year-old. And maybe I’ll go to a baseball game with some buddies and have a few beers. Other dads I know make it a point to play a round of golf. Whatever the case may be, dads often go out on their own for Father’s Day to blow off some steam.

And there’s nothing wrong with that, but the problem is moms face a shitty double standard.

I’m willing to bet even if a mom wants to be left alone on Mother’s Day, she feels incredibly guilty verbalizing that thought. After all, what mother doesn’t want to be around her child 24/7? Societal norms have historically dictated woman are bred for motherhood, and any admission otherwise means you’re some kind of monster who hates her kids. As ridiculous as this sounds, I’ve seen women buy into it hook, line and sinker.

But that’s bullshit. If a mom wants some alone time on Mother’s Day, then she’s earned it and then some. And I’m happy to oblige. So I’ll probably take Will up to my mom’s house to say Happy Mother’s Day to her for a few hours. And when I get home MJ will be rested, recharged, happy and ready to have a great time for the rest of the day with us.

It’s a total win-win as long as you moms are willing to shed the guilt for a few hours.

In closing, I’d like to add that in typical fashion my wife outdid me this weekend by surprising me with a Droid Incredible phone when I got home last night. Can you believe that? It’s Mother’s Day weekend and she got me a gift. I love her so much. And I love the phone. Possibly more than I love her. Just kidding. Kind of…

Happy Mother’s Day to MJ, my mom and all the other great moms out there. We love you!