Tag Archives: wife

I Don’t Love My Kids More Than My Wife

morelessI love my wife. I love my kids. But which one do I love more?

Strangely enough, that’s a question people are actually tackling because of a recent study that found 75% of mothers openly admit they love their kids more than their spouses. But if you ask me, I think the entire conversation is a load of crap.

I do not love my kids more than my wife. I don’t love my wife more than my kids either. I love them each in very different ways, but I love them all completely and equally. And I think even attempting to quantify or rank that love is pointless, hurtful, and potentially harmful.

My family is my world. My wife is the most beautiful, caring, sexy, sensational person on the planet and I’m madly in love with her. My kids are a source of unimaginable joy and my life is enriched in countless ways with them in it. But they are a package deal, and asking me to choose which one I love more borders on the ridiculous.

Which begs the question, what are these moms in the survey thinking?

Click here to read the rest on iVillage!

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5 Things My Sons Need to Know to Avoid Bad Marriages

badmarriage“Dad, when should you get married?”

The question stopped me in tracks — mainly because Will is only 5 years old. As it turns out, Will has an adorable and sweet classmate who has informed him (not asked him mind you, but TOLD him) they’ll be getting married one day. So naturally he wants to know at what point that day will come. But more than that, he is curious about how you know when you’re supposed to marry someone.

My marriage to MJ isn’t perfect, mainly because I’m not perfect and neither is she. And we’re not even 100% perfect for each other because no one is. But while you don’t have to love EVERYTHING about the person you marry, I’m going to tell my son there are some basic requirements — some building blocks that create a foundation for a successful marriage.

I’m no marriage expert, but it is critically important to me that my sons not only look for what makes them happy, but to be able to identify some common red flags of what NOT to look for so they can avoid a bad marriage.

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Don’t Let Anyone Tell You “Marriage Isn’t For You”

our-weddingA writer named Seth Adam Smith recently penned an article called “Marriage Isn’t for You.” It has since gone viral and you can’t swing a divorce lawyer without stumbling upon it somewhere.

Seth, who has been married for a whopping 18 months to his high school sweetheart, basically says marriage is all about making the other person happy. He talks about selflessness as the key to a successful marriage, writing things like “No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love,” and “Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.”

He even had a talk with his dad — which served as a turning point for Seth — in which his father dished out these gems.

“Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

Judging from the sheer number of you who gushed about this article on Facebook, I can see it struck a chord with many of you. Me? I thought it was an absolute crock. And a dangerous one at that.

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13 Things Men Need to Know About Pregnant Women

angry_pregoWhen it comes to handling pregnant women, I’m no expert. Hell, I haven’t even figured out how to deal with women in general. In fact, I’m the antithesis of an expert. Luckily for you, I’ve made just about every single stupid mistake and placed my foot so far in my mouth during MJ’s pregnancies that I’m overqualified to speak to you about things you need to know to avoid getting knocked out by the knocked up.

Here are the 13 most important things to remember.

1. Feed Her Constantly
Everyone knows food is important to pregnant women. But what the uninitiated might not realize is that time is of the essence. The bottom line is when she says she’s hungry, she means it. Feed that woman immediately or she will eat your fucking face. Know that “I’m hungry” doesn’t mean she’s looking forward to the dinner plans you have in an hour. It means give her a snack before you leave for the restaurant. And then again when you get in the car. Failure to give that woman snacks will result in extreme bitchiness at best, and bodily injury at worse. Just turn yourself into a walking, talking vending machine for 9 months and you’ll be fine.

2. Food: What’s Yours is Hers, What’s Hers is Off-Limits
You’ve likely been married or together a few years now, so it’s perfectly understandable that you bought into all that stuff about togetherness and sharing a life, etc. And while some of that still applies, all bets are off when it comes to food. If you eat food that’s hers (or food you bought for yourself but she somehow claimed it as hers), she will cut you. Not physically perhaps, but by the time she’s finished excoriating you you’ll wish it was just a knife wound you suffered. I ate some of MJ’s chocolate once and when she went to find it during a craving and saw that it was gone, she flew into a rage that was one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen. Just don’t do it.

3. Get Ready to Gain Weight
Notice how all the topics so far have involved food? That’s no mistake. Ultimately at some point she’ll have cravings. When MJ was pregnant with Will she wanted pizza, Kit-Kats & grapefruit. This time around it’s nothing but fruit salad. But whatever the craving, one of the unmentioned side effects of pregnancy is YOUR weight gain. Yes, the guys gain weight too. Mainly because we inevitably partake in her cravings and all the extra junk food results in a spare tire. I gained 25 lbs during MJ’s pregnancy 5 years ago, just a shade under the total amount she gained — WITH THE BABY! So watch your step.

4. Don’t Point Out How Big She’s Getting
My Boston sports habit notwithstanding, I’m a fairly logical person. I knew MJ was pregnant and pregnant women gain weight. That’s why I thought absolutely nothing of pointing out my wife’s really cute swollen belly. In my mind it was just nature progressing and running its course, and there was nothing more beautiful. But after the first 2-3 times I said it, she snapped on me. “STOP TELLING ME I’M FAT! I KNOW I’M FAT! I DON’T NEED YOU POINTING IT OUT!!” It didn’t matter that in my eyes she never looked more beautiful or that she was SUPPOSED to be gaining weight. Which leads me to my next point…

5. “Pregnancy Brain” is Very Real
I know it sounds like some sort of cutesy, media-created term. But it’s not. Pregnancy Brain is legit. It starts with everyday occurrences like looking for her glasses while they’re on her head, which is kinda cute. But it soon progresses to things like leaving the basement door open in 5-degree weather and freezing the entire bottom floor of the house while simultaneously leaving us susceptible to a home invasion. And in a fit of irony, I just asked MJ to give me more examples of Pregnancy Brain, but she couldn’t — because she can’t remember.

6. Goodbye Sense of Humor
The good news is she’s gained a baby. The bad news? There wasn’t enough room for the baby AND her sense of humor. If you’re a smartass like I am, this is especially troubling since I show affection by giving people good-natured shit. Unfortunately, my pregnant wife does not appreciate my unique brand of humor whilst carrying our little parasite around in her stomach. The results are often me firing off (what I consider to be) beautiful comedic quips and zingers, which don’t just fall on deaf ears, they fall on potentially homicidal ears. You’ve been warned.

7. Say Goodbye to Sex
Listen to me carefully — you’re about to be sexually frustrated. The first trimester is by far the worst. It’s when she’ll be going through the most changes and feeling the shittiest. It’s everything she can do to avoid throwing up every morning (and sometimes at night), so you feeling unloved and “backed up” doesn’t really register. So fire up the porn and give yourself a hand, because you’re now a sex camel my friend. The only silver lining is you’ll have sex two times during the pregnancy. You have a 1-2 week window where her sex drive returns early in the second trimester. Enjoy that, because it’s not happening again until very late in the pregnancy. Right at the end she’ll be so desperate to get the baby out of her that she’ll use you in the hopes that sex will send her into labor. It’s slightly awkward, but after the drought it’s a welcome relief — as long as her water doesn’t break right then and there.

8. Yes Her Boobs Are Bigger, No You Can’t Touch Them
While we’re on the topic of sex, let me tell you about one of Nature’s cruelest tricks. When a woman is carrying a child, it’s a beautiful thing. That “pregnant glow” you always hear about is real, mainly because she’s carrying around a few extra pints of blood which does wonders for her hair, her fingernails and — her rack. A becomes C, B becomes D and C becomes Hallelujah Thank You Jesus! They swell up to gargantuan sizes, literally breaking bras at the seams and popping off her chest in a fit of Playboy glory. The only problem is you’re not allowed to touch them. It’s like going to the pet store and seeing the cute puppies behind the glass but not being able to pet them. They’re adorable and you want to take them home and keep them forever, but if you try to motorboat her puppies she will slap the shit out of you. Trust me.

9. Your Dick Can’t Won’t Hurt the Baby
Speaking of sex, let’s get this one out of the way right now — your penis will have no effect on the baby in your wife’s womb. Got that? I don’t care if you’re on par with Ron Jeremy or not, your dick is not going to scare the kid and it’s certainly not going to poke him in the forehead. Not only that, but any suggestion to the contrary will send your pregnant wife into hysterics. And there’s nothing more demoralizing than a conversation that involves your penis and hysterical laughter. So I’m told…

10. You Will Be Replaced by Pillows
Did you spend a crap ton of money on a mattress? Some sort of memory foam or pillowtop deal that makes you feel like 1,000 little angels are massaging you as you fall asleep every night? Well I hope you spent money on a comfortable couch because that’s likely where you’ll be sleeping for a decent part of the pregnancy. And it’s not so much the increased space your pregnant wife takes up either. It’s the pillows. Yup, that’s right. You become increasingly irrelevant as the pregnancy wears on, but the 37 pillows — including that godforsaken full-body pillow — become absolutely vital nighttime companions. And when push comes to shove, you’re getting the shove to the sofa.

11. Don’t Treat Her Like Glass
Many men — myself included — feel very protective of their wives as is. But when it’s our baby growing inside of her, that suddenly ratchets up several notches. I try not to let MJ open doors, carry groceries, pick up heavy objects, etc. And for whatever reason, that sticks in her craw something fierce. It’s not that I don’t think she can fend for herself, I just feel it’s more important than ever to keep her safe and to make sure the heavy lifting is kept to a minimum. And that’s when I get the “I’M NOT MADE OF GLASS, STOP TREATING ME LIKE A PRINCESS!” retort. Oh well, husbands/boyfriends of pregnant women are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

12. Pregnant Women Are Lazy
This one is VERY touchy. After all, they’re carrying new life around inside of them. Their bodies are growing, stretching and changing to accommodate said life. But the fact remains, pregnant women are L-A-Z-Y. Case in point, a disturbing trend has emerged in the Daddy Files household the last few weeks. MJ has not only stopped doing dishes, she’s no longer even attempting to put the dirty dishes in the sink. Instead, she brings them into the kitchen and puts them a foot away from the sink. Moreover, all of the coffee cups are half-filled and every bowl has a ton of soggy cereal remaining in it. I don’t mind doing the dishes, but I do mind a counter full of crap. How hard is it to empty the dishes and move them ONE MORE FOOT into the sink?? But you can’t gripe about this because…

13. You Can’t Complain
All these things I’ve listed? You can’t mention any of them to your pregnant wife. Because even if she’s lazy, not giving you any, won’t let you touch her boobs, can’t remember a thing, sleeping with the Pillow People, making you crash on the couch, putting on massive amounts of weight, and eating you out of house and home, it doesn’t matter. She’s pregnant. She’s carrying your child. Which means she’s got the trump card and all your complaints are hereby dismissed. Seriously, just think about you complaining and what her response will be. Something like “Dishes? You’re complaining about dishes?? I’m growing a human being in my stomach the size of a watermelon that I’ll eventually have to push out an opening the size of a lemon. NOW WHAT WERE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT AGAIN?!?”

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If I Die, Give My Wife Some Breadsticks

breadsticks“If I died, would you get remarried?”

I’m sure that’s a question all married couples have tackled at some point. The “What would happen if…” game can be an interesting peek into the mind of your soul mate, but when you have kids it takes on added importance. Mainly because you want to know that if something happens to you, your partner will be able to carry on and take care of him/herself as well as the kids.

So when MJ asked me this question out of the blue, it was actually pretty timely. Our wedding anniversary is coming up soon, and I was thinking a lot about her and how much I care about her. And yes, I admit, the macabre side of me had begun to think about what would happen if I lost her. So I took a deep breath and answered her with what was genuinely in my heart.

“Would I get remarried if I lost you? Honestly, no. I wouldn’t. And I don’t say that to score points with you now or kiss your ass — I mean it. There are a whole bunch of reasons I married you, but first and foremost it’s because I’ve never loved someone like I love you. I’ve never loved so hard, so much, so completely, so passionately that sometimes the line between loving you and wanting to throw you off a balcony is blurred. I’ve never been so fulfilled by another human being in my whole life. I’ll never be as comfortable with anyone else as I am with you. No other woman could imprint herself onto my soul like you have. Besides, trying to find someone as gorgeous as you — someone who I see day in and day out yet still gets me worked up like a horny teenager just looking in your direction — would be absolutely impossible. 

You’ve ruined me forever. I’m no good to any other woman except for you. Trying to get remarried would be fruitless because it’d be like getting to have the Mona Lisa in my living room and then having to settle for dogs playing poker. Like driving a Ferrari and then being forced behind the wheel of an ’84 Buick Skylark. Like eating at the Olive Garden after traveling to Italy and feasting on the best Italian food in the world.

You are my world. And if my world is gone I’ll carry on for Will, but my heart will be closed off to any future romance because no matter how great she is, she’ll never be you.”

I know, right? Quite a soliloquy if I do say so myself. I looked at her with a smile, confident I had just bowled her over with my passion. And then, thinking I knew the answer already and that it mirrored mine, I asked her if she’d remarry if something ever happened to me. Her response?

“Oh hell yes. Sorry, but I love Olive Garden and I’ll be needing some breadsticks.”

Happy freaking anniversary.

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