Talking to Myself

The following is my imaginary conversation with myself if 2009 Me could talk to 2005 Me. Enjoy my insanity.

2005 Me: “Well hello there. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way because I’m not gay or anything, but you are one handsome man. Who are you?”

2009 Me: “I’m you jackass. But I’m you five years in the future.”

2005 Me: “Dammit. I’m still fat huh? I was hoping to lose weight. Actually I had this plan where I’d diet by…”

2009 Me: “Yeah, you try that. It obviously doesn’t work. But look, forget about that. We need to talk.”

2005 Me: “Well I can’t really talk right now. I’m actually in the middle of buying a condo with my fiance. Her name is MJ, she’s so hot. And we’ve decided to buy our first place on Cape Cod and –”

2009 Me: “Hey…moron…you don’t need to tell me this stuff. I’m YOU remember?”

2005 Me: “Jeez, future me is a cranky old bastard huh?”

2009 Me: “Look, I don’t have much time and neither do you. I came back to talk you out of buying the condo.”

2005 Me: “What? Why?? We’re getting a great deal on it and it’s perfect for our first place. We talked the current owners down $15,000 and we’re getting most of their stuff. It’s perfect. Why would you tell me not to buy it?”

2009 Me: “I couldn’t possibly get into it all now, but just trust me OK? It’s a horrible idea.”

2005 Me: “Look, with all due respect future boy, here are the facts: We’re buying this place because investing in real estate is a no-brainer. The housing market is solid right now and we’re getting a deal on this place. And once we buy it, it’s going to go way up in value. Seriously, I’ve done the research. The home value is gonna like, quadruple, and we’ll be able to sell it and buy an even bigger place. Because if you knew anything about anything, you’d know that barring a catastrophic collapse of the economy as we know it, we’re gonna make out like bandits on this deal.”

2009 Me: “Dude, listen to me closely. Everything you just described? It happens. All of it. Besides, hasn’t your wife been trying to warn you not to buy this place? Hasn’t she been pleading with you, telling you she thinks home prices are about to drop. Didn’t she say if wait six months you’ll probably be able to afford a single-family? And isn’t she warning you about how awful it is to live in a condo with all of their bullshit rules and regulations? Is any of this ringing a bell?”

2005 Me: “Ummm…it sounds vaguely familiar. But you know how it is when she starts talking. Sounds sorta like Charlie Brown’s teacher. Besides, she’s guessing about all that stuff. She can’t be sure about it. And honestly, how bad can it be living in a condo? They cut the grass for you, plow for you and I’m pretty sure they don’t care what color my door is. Like anyone actually cares about that stuff right?”

2009 Me: “Oh my God, you aren’t listening to me. Is this what it’s like when MJ tries to talk to me?”

2005 Me: “Huh? What’d you say? I was kind of zoning out there.”

2009 Me: “Sweet Jesus. OK, forget about all that other stuff and listen to this. I want you to look around the condo. Seriously, take a good look. I’ll grant you it’s nice and a cute place, but don’t you think it’s kind of small? What about when you have kids genius? And maybe a dog? You’ll need more room.”

2005 Me: “Am I getting a dog??? AWESOME! What kind?”

2009 Me: “Don’t focus on the dog you dick, stay with me here.”

2005 Me: “Oh what’s your problem? We can have a kid in this place, there’s plenty of room. You put the kid in the second bedroom. Bam, problem solved. It’s not like the kid is going to have more stuff than we can fit in here. Who the hell would give a kid that much stuff. Hell, I’m sure we can fit two kids in here just fine.”

2009 Me: “Have you met your parents? Do you realize it’ll be their first grandchild?”

2005 Me: “OK, you got me there.”

2009 Me: “Look, I have no time left so I’ll leave you with this. If you buy this condo it will ruin your lives. You don’t have the down payment so you’ll have to get an ARM. That ARM will proceed to bitch slap you in the face when the rates go up. Meanwhile the economy is going to crumble to the ground around you. I’m talking end of days type shit. The auto industry will be in shambles, MJ is going to lose her job and major companies will require government funds just to stay afloat. Meanwhile the people who run your condo complex will prove to be some of the most inept characters outside of Washington, DC. They will have it out for you and make your life miserable. And soon you’ll be paying the mortgage, condo fees, condo assessment fees, special assessment fees and daycare. And this is after the mortgage has already skyrocketed on you. You will literally have more bills to pay than you have income. Your financial worries will plague you and give you an ulcer and strain your marriage, while you’re simultaneously trying to care for a toddler who runs around your cramped condo like a friggin tornado. And all of this — ALL OF IT — can be avoided if you just listen to me and DO NOT BUY THIS CONDO. Got it?”

2005 Me: “Dude, I’m so putting my framed picture of Carlton Fisk on the big wall in the living room. What do you think?”

2009 Me: “I hate myself.”

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7 thoughts on “Talking to Myself

  1. Sounds like us:

    Married- 8/07

    Got Pregnant- 10/07

    Bought House- 10/07

    Found out I was pregnant- 11/07

    Market Crash- 12/07

  2. I had something wise to say until I read “Carlton Fisk” and got all tingly inside. Photos of that gorgeous man covered my bedroom walls growing up. Well, technically, he shared the walls with Terry O’Reilly, but I had a cat named “Pudge” and was always a catcher when I played baseball and softball. I planned on marrying both of them somehow. I got to tell Terry that at a party once, when I was around 20, and he gave me a huge hug and talked dirty to me. Sadly, I never got to tell Carlton of my plans. When he was inadvertently let go, if you believe that story, I stopped watching the Sox for years in protest.

    Oh, yeah, and that condo situation just blows! Hopefully, the economy will turn so you can get the hell out of there. Association living doesn’t quite seem to be your style ;) I’d never survive!!!

  3. Lola: I actually got to meet Pudge a couple of years ago. He’s part of Briggs & Stratton’ Field of Dreams promotion, and a girl from Sagamore won a chance to fix up their local baseball field. He came down and I got to chat with him for a few minutes. Really nice guy. Not that I was even alive when he was waving that ball fair, but I appreciate my elders! ;-)

  4. I’d like to meet up with my ’05 self too. With enough long islands I think I could probably take advantage of me.

  5. don’t think i’ve been over to your blog but once before. oy! to the condo. i totally get why you did it, but i just don’t think condos are worth the investment.

    but wow, prices dropped like BIG time. we bought our house in 2005 or 06…can’t remember, i’m old lol, but it’s worth waaay less than we paid. i had told my hubs let’s ready the old house in the winter, so we can sell it in early spring. he says, ‘no, let’s wait til spring’. guess when the prices dropped? right when we put the house on the market. we just barely got by with selling the house in THREE months. that was being lucky considering some homes have been on for a year :0/

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