This post also appeared on www.capecodonline.com/blogs in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.
We are reaching our breaking points.
The signs of an impending explosion of pent-up frustration are all around us. The baby is constantly hungry and perpetually crying. Even when he’s sound asleep, he’s still whimpering. That has put sleep at a premium, as MJ and I look like zombies from hell. We’re both so tired right now that we’ve let everything else go. One look around the house will tell you just how bad things are. The dishes are piled up, the floors haven’t been swept and the vacuum hasn’t been removed from the closet in more than a week. Granted our condo is small, but these days it feels downright claustrophobic. Will’s stuff is EVERYWHERE because we just don’t have any place to put it all.
His swing juts out in front of the entertainment center and his “Tummy Time” doohickey is currently upside down and resting on top of it. His little vibrating chair is directly in front of the couch because we got tired of carrying him to it, so we figured we’d just leave it right where we need it. Half of his baby clothes are in a basket on the other end of the couch, and the other half are folded and sitting on the coffee table. And the coffee table is littered with his books and blankets.
Not to mention there are pacifiers EVERYWHERE! Honest to God I think they boink like rabid bunnies in the night and multiply during the 90 minutes we actually get to sleep. Oh, and I forgot to mention that everything of importance has to be placed way up high on a shelf or in an enclosure, because the dogs will eat everything they can get their dirty little paws on. So far they’ve eaten my new sandals, a host of pacifiers, a baby bottle and Will’s “Hippos Go Berserk” book. They also got into some of Will’s formula and dragged the powder all over the house. As a result, it looks like we’re expecting a flood in our condo because everything is up high out of the dogs’ reach.
Just a quick little story from last night that I think encapsulates being the parent of a newborn…
I had a rough (and loooong) day at work yesterday and I had to skip the gym. When I finally got home I relieved my wife of Will, who had spent most of the day awake and screaming. I made the idiotic mistake of saying that the house looked like someone had dropped a bomb in it, which pissed my wife off. I really didn’t mean anything by it, but I was too tired to argue. So I changed into my workout clothes because I was hoping to hop on the elliptical machine, and then I gave Will his bottle. As soon as he finished it he let out a series of farts so severe they actually made him scream out loud in pain. But as I was quickly able to smell, he did a little more than fart. So up I went to change him and sure enough, he had nearly filled his diaper with mustard yellow poop. By the way, if there was any doubt he is my son it has been quickly erased with his mind-bogglingly large dumps. This kid is gonna stop a few toilets in his day let me tell you. So of course, just when I have him all cleaned up and I have the new diaper on, my little Mount St. Helens baby erupts again. So I get another diaper and wipe him down again. Then I sat down on the couch to burp him before setting him down for a nap. Well, I got a lot more than a burp. Will decided to upchuck half his bottle on my face and chest, covering me in sticky, smelly, half-digested formula. Before I can even move, both dogs come over to lick the formula off of me.
My loving wife giggled quietly on the other end of the couch. Hey, at least she’s smiling.
So in the span of 20 minutes I pissed off my wife, changed two atomic diapers, got drenched in spit up by the exorcist baby and suffered the indignity of being licked clean by the dogs. But I wasn’t done there. You see even though I somewhat cleaned off my shirt, I forgot to change out of it before I went on the elliptical machine. So halfway through my workout I nearly vomited from the smell of fat sweaty guy mixed with regurgitated formula.
Anyone in the area feel like babysitting??