The 9 Most Annoying Sports Fans

You’ve seen them. You’ve heard them. You’ve put up with them. Maybe you are one and don’t even realize it. But whatever the case, annoying fans at live sporting events are the worst!

I don’t say this lightly or without a wealth of experience, and my credentials are beyond reproach.

My father has had New England Patriots season tickets for 39 years, which means I’ve been going to games practically my whole life. I used to go to eight home games a year, until tickets got too expensive. So now I go to a minimum of four games a year. Until this year, my dad also had Boston Celtics season tickets as well, so I have experience at the Garden. Throw in hundreds of Red Sox games and a sprinkling of Bruins games throughout the years, and I’ve pretty much seen it all. The good, the bad and the REALLY obnoxious.

To the untrained eye or the live sporting event rookies, it might not seem like there’s much to know when going to a game. Sit, watch, clap and that’s it right? Wrong. There is a subtle art to being a truly great fan. Which is probably why there are so few great fans out there. Unfortunately, there is no shortage of ass clowns ruining it for the rest of us.

So without further ado, I give you the 9 Most Annoying Sports Fans.

1. THE CELL PHONE TALKER

I hate this person. With a passion. Not only that, I don’t understand him/her. You pay all that money for a ticket, get drunk on $8 beers and instead of watching the game you decide to jump on your cell phone, call your friends and wave every time you’re on camera. Idiot. For the record, the only acceptable time to use your cell phone is during halftime or in between quarters. Even then you’re only allowed to text or check your fantasy team. No conversations. Ever. Because even if they’re not on camera they’re talking on the cell phone and ruining the game for you. My question is, why are they always talking about something uber-personal and inappropriate?

“So I went to the doctor…yeah, I got the results…CHLAMYDIA! Can you believe that shit? No I didn’t wear a rubber…you know I hate how it feels.”

 

2. THE JUMBO-TRON WHORES
A close cousin of the Cell Phone Talker, these people are equally annoying. While real fans are there to watch their team win, the JTWs are only there to watch themselves on the stadium big screen. You’ll recognize the JTWs easily because they’re either dressed in wacky clothing sure to catch the cameraman’s eye, or they’re dancing. Yup, dancing. During every timeout and break, they launch themselves out of their seats and dance wildly. If they succeed and see themselves on the Jumbo-Tron, the shrieks and screams are deafening. They get 4 seconds of glory and then it’s either back to the beer stand or leave in the third quarter to beat traffic. Either way, they need to be exterminated.

 

3. SIGN HOLDERS
I swear these idiots always manage to sit in front of me. They bring in a homemade sign that they think is really witty and/or charming, but no one else sees it that way. Normally it’s something to suck up to the network the game is on, like:

Another
Brady
Championship

So just like the Jumbo-Tron Whores, they stand up at inopportune times during the game and hold up the sign, which blocks the view of the poor people behind them. Rule of thumb: don’t bring a sign to a game. Ever. It won’t be funny, you probably won’t get on TV and you’re going to piss me off to the point that I verbally berate you to the point of tears. Now here’s your sign!

4. THE UP & DOWNERS
Sometimes it feels like all 68,000 people in Gillette Stadium are sitting in my row. Why, you ask? Because they are CONSTANTLY sitting down and then leaving their seat. They sit down then they need some food. They sit down then they need a beer. They sit down and drink their beer and then they have to pee. And pee again. And again. Meanwhile the entire row has to stand up and let them pass each time like we’re in an 80s aerobics class.

That wouldn’t be so bad except they give no thought to the timing of their arrivals and departures. Instead of using some common sense and waiting until a timeout or even in between plays, they decide to inconvenience everyone at the worst possible times. A huge third down in the fourth quarter of a one-score game, the crowd working itself into a frenzy, the center about to hike the ball and then—some douchebag causes the entire row to stand and you end up missing some of the play while simultaneously pissing off everyone behind you.

Stay in your seats or use some common sense, morons!

 

5. THE STATISTICIAN
This guy is a real piece of work.

You can spot him even before he speaks, because he looks like he’s spent the week in his mom’s basement memorizing statistics in order to show off at the game. Even though you’ve made no overture of friendship towards this person, he will seek you out and give you stats you don’t care about and don’t want after every play.

For instance, if I cheer on Tom Brady for a great throw he has to add his two cents by saying “Did you know Brady is completing 67.9% of his passes and has a quarterback rating of 109.5?” Yes, as a matter of fact I did know that. But unlike you, I don’t feel the need to validate my existence with near useless statistical analysis that no one wants to hear about in the heat of a game!

 

6. THE “STAND UP” GUY
Usually it’s good to be a stand up guy. But this guy is not good. Not good at all.

This idiot—usually heavily intoxicated—is convinced that the only way to be a true fan is to stand up at all times to cheer on the team. And he feels it is his mission in life to shout “STAND THE FUCK UP, GET ON YOUR FEET, STAND UP YOU PUSSIES!” in order to fire up the crowd. But what he doesn’t realize is the crowd wants to put him in front of a firing squad.

This jerkoff doesn’t realize that standing and cheering at a game is completely dependent on the action and the situation. In a regular season game, it’s fine to sit except for big moments and huge third downs on defense. I still yell and cheer while I’m sitting, and I know when to stand and when not to. Fans also pay hundreds of dollars for the seat, so why not use it?

 

7. THE ANNOYING HOUSEWIFE/GIRLFRIEND
Call me a sexist if you want to. I don’t care, because this one is very, very true.

Usually this occurs when the only way guys can buy season tickets is if they promise to bring their wives/girlfriends with them to the games. Even though said women have ZERO football knowledge. Needless to say, when they get to the game they become Cell Phone Talkers, Jumbo-Tron Whores and Up & Downers. They’re interested in everything BUT the game. If they do pay attention for a few minutes, they shout idiotic things like “GET A TOUCHDOWN BRADY!” or “WES WELKER IS SO LITTLE AND CUTE!”

The worst is when they talk to each other about their sex lives, their impending purchases and what they wore to their high school reunions. I’ve never seriously considered violence towards women before, but when these hens are clucking in my ear for three hours, I’m seeing red.

 

8. THE WAY TOO DRUNK GUY
Everyone knows this guy. And has probably been this guy at some point (myself included) so I do allow for a little leeway here.

It’s a football game, so drinking is a good thing. Hell, being a little drunk is a plus in my opinion. But if you’ve had a 12-pack out in the parking lot and then a fifth of Jack on the walk to the stadium, you’re going to be a mess. These are the guys who can’t stand up straight so they’re teetering and falling on people during the game. And since they’re drunk they’re loud. Any drunk will tell you the louder they get the funnier they are, and so you have a really drunk guy screaming either inappropriate or unintelligible things. He’s laughing, but we aren’t.

At best he’s a nuisance, at worst he vomits on you. Either way you’re not coming out a winner.

 

9. THE BEACH BALL/WAVE PEOPLE
No beach balls and no wave. Ever.

If you pay hundreds of dollars for a ticket and feel that the best athletes in the world playing at the highest level imaginable is second to batting around an inflatable beach ball, do yourself a favor and just put a gun to your head. Or if that’s too extreme, don’t come to the game. Because we don’t want you. Or your damn beach ball.

Same goes for The Wave. Seriously, it’s not 1987 anymore. The Wave wasn’t even that cool then, and it’s even less so now. I’ve seen people at Fenway Park do the wave in the 8th inning of a one-run game during a pennant race. It makes me sad that people are that idiotic, and it besmirches the name of true Boston sports fans everywhere.

That’s why whenever I get my hands on a beach ball, I pop it. Sometimes the idiots boo me but I don’t care, because the real fans thank me or give me an approving nod for righting an obvious sports wrong.

I have my dad to thank for this because he taught me right. From the time I was little he physically restrained me during the Wave. I didn’t understand it then, but I thank him for it now. To think I could’ve been one of those obnoxious douchebags…I shudder at the thought.

The point is, watch the fucking game. It’s what you’re there for!

 

If you’re wondering what makes for a great sports fan, here it is:

Be intelligent about the game but not a stat snob. Be happy drunk and not shitfaced. Go to the people around you for high-fives and create good vibes. Sit down except for big plays. If you’re going to yell out taunts to the opposing team, time them right for maximum effect. Talk about the game and nothing else, unless it’s halftime. No beach balls and no Wave, you’re there to watch the game. Ditto with signs. The cell phone should stay in your pocket.

So, did I miss any?

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22 thoughts on “The 9 Most Annoying Sports Fans

  1. Glad you mentioned the wave people. It was fun doing it when I was a kid watching an A’s game and doing the wave with Krazy George (who I think invented it?), but like you said, it’s not 1987 anymore!

    I’d like to add people that got tickets to a postseason game that have no allegiance to the team or interest in the sport, and only got them because of some corporate hookup. I think people entering a postseason game should have to take some sort of baseline quiz to confirm that they are an actual fans and deserve (yes, deserve!) to be there! I’m all for people coming to games for the first time and learning what’s what, but not at a postseason game. Those seats should be for the faithful…

  2. Last time we went to a Sox game you were belting out Sweet Caroline and screaming at me for not joining in. I believe you called me a “stick in the mud”

  3. Only to the 2 pre-season games. The rest of the time she will be calling and texting questions to you.

  4. Two more, though they might only be applicable at hockey games:

    People who LEAN FORWARD. Even if I tap you on the shoulder THREE times and ask you to sit back. It’s gotten bad enough that HP Pavilion even has to make an announcement before each game – and people still don’t listen.

    People who belt out “HEY ____ (opposing team name)! YOU SUCK!” in the middle of a moment of silence held before the game hororing someone prominent in the community who just died tragically. It’s common enough to do it during the National Anthem, but the moment of silence – come on!

  5. Jimbo: I hate you.

    Shannon: YES! Great call. Especially on the national anthem/moment of silence. And that goes for all the idiot Baltimore fans who shout “OOOOOOHHHHHH” during the “O Say Does That Star-Spangled” part of the anthem. I fucking hate that.
    DaddyFiles1 recently posted..The 9 Most Annoying Sports FansMy Profile

  6. I always get big hat people in front of me at Celtic games, and they are usually kids! You can’t yell at the kids!

  7. I have recently been taught not to do the Wave…ever, but I love that O thing they do in Baltimore! I went to a Baltimore game once just to hear that! It is like a short bus version of Sweet Caroline. :-)

  8. I’m more of an inexperienced fan, if I may. I love hockey, I love NASCAR and while I was married, my husband hated all of it and i never got to sit down and watch any of it. I didn’t grow up in a sports family, although I did follow a little bit with friends.

    So I’m new to the game, but I love it. I do ask questions (quietly) and I learn as I go. I adhere to all of your above rules, except the one about knowing nothing (girlfriend/housewife) BUT, i like to think i make up for that by only going to the bathroom between periods of hockey, so that I don’t miss anything and I’m not disrupting anyone :)

  9. KBear: You hit the nail on the head.

    My wife still asks me questions but she never interrupts the game or is obnoxious about it. And I’m happy to explain it because I think it’s really cool she’s taking an interest, so I appreciate the effort. Women like that are not in the “Housewife/girlfriend” category at all.
    Daddy Files recently posted..The 9 Most Annoying Sports FansMy Profile

  10. I’ve been reading through your site for a while now and love it. I had to add my two cents here. I’m a huge NASCAR fan, have been for years it was something I shared with my dad and so it’s meant a lot to me. In my last relationship my boyfriend could not for the life of him understand my obsession with it and mocked me to no end about it. Not friendly ribbing but point of tears mocking. I’ve never missed a Daytona 500 since the first I attended with my dad and when it rolled around that year I made plans to attend. The ex wanted to come god only knows why. He proceeded to spend the entire day bitching and moaning and mocking everything completely ruining the day. A very expensive, once a year, day too.

    Anyway, add that one to the list. “The guy (or gal)” that demands to go with their significant other to something they will not enjoy and ruin it for them. Moreover, don’t belittle something that means a lot to the one you’re supposed to love, even if it is cars going in a circle. :)

  11. MelissaJ: Great point.

    I have to admit, I’m guilty of this myself. My wife and I share almost nothing in common when it comes to music, movies and interests. She could spend all day watching the Food Network, listening to Nickelback, going to an art museum and she doesn’t even have the attention span to watch movies. When she does watch them, she misses all the nuances and key points and ends up asking me what’s going on. It drives me crazy. And I’d rather tear off all my limbs than be stuck at an art museum for any amount of time.

    And because of that, I have a tendency to put everything she likes down. I don’t even realize I’m doing it until she points it out. I’ve tried to get better at that, but I don’t think I’ve improved much.

    The solution is simple, but it’s not one many couples want to face up to. And that is, DO YOUR OWN THING!

    Don’t get me wrong, you don’t want to get to the point where you’re living separate lives or anything, but we do a lot of stuff on our own. And there are no hard feelings. I hate to travel so a few years ago MJ took two trips to Europe with friends. Meanwhile I occasionally take weekend trips to attend sporting events without her. We still do enough together that we’re happy, but we figure why drag one another to things the other person isn’t interested in?
    Daddy Files recently posted..The 9 Most Annoying Sports FansMy Profile

  12. Hi – great post………but I have a question that has nothing to do with it ;) We are getting tickets to a Bruins game for my sons 10th b-day – do you know if sitting up high in section 301 or so is worth even going? thanks, Tina

  13. I am going to the nfl game in london next weekend, I cant wait, I will be sure to be on the lookout for these people and do my best not to be a cross of 7 and 8.
    Lessa recently posted..Amazon discount codeMy Profile

  14. OMG this is SO FUNNY. Not that I’m a huge sports enthusiast over here, but I feel like a lot of your points can be paralleled to people who attend concerts….. but instead of being there to listen to the performers, they are there to get up and down from there seat 400 times to get more alcohol, food, and pee… and spend more time climbing over me and PISSING ME OFF then actually listening to the music. Oh, except for when the one song comes on that they have to SCREAM AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS while holding ‘said alcoholic beverage’ from above and find the need to sway their arms to the music and hit me in the face…

    I’m obviously not bitter about this at all
    Melissa recently posted..I’m Not a Princess, This Ain’t a Fairytale…My Profile

  15. I am a long-time Buffalo Bandits season ticket holder, and I see way too many of #9 at the games. I plan to suggest that First Niagara Center impose a ban on inflatables being brought into the arena. Yes, most fans do the wave at these games and, no, I do not partake of such archaic rituals.

  16. We are season ticket holders, and because the vikings are building a new stadium we are at a temporay stadium for three years. I had no idea how lucky we were to have sat with the best season ticket holders for all of these years. We now sit in front of 2 middle aged couples and the wives sit next to each other. The one laughed more than not the entire 3 quarters . It is the loudest high pitch cackle I have ever heard. I am hoping that you can help me. Is there a polite way to say something ? I really do not want to wear earplugs because I like to hear all of the calls.

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