The Hershey War of 2009

This one time, in college, I was debating whether or not I wanted to take what little money I had to the casino. Sure I had a part-time job, but in my infinite wisdom I thought doubling that paycheck via blackjack was a helluva lot better (and easier) than, you know…working extra hours. So I was pondering the pros and cons of this casino excursion over Chinese food when I cracked open my fortune cookie. Here’s what it read:

“A gambler not only loses what he has, but also what he does not have.”

It also had my “lucky numbers” printed on the back, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is you would think a college educated person would take that fortune cookie message as a sign. After all, what are the chances that in the middle of my inner conflict concerning money and a trip to the casino, I get a black and white message from Karma highlighting the correct path? But despite knowing what the right move was, I ignored the message and I drove 2-1/2 hours to risk my money.

I think you can guess how it all turned out.

I’m not sure what my major malfunction is, but I have a history of making the dumb decision even when the right one is plainly in front of me. Thankfully I’ve mellowed over the years. I’m no longer choosing between hard work and financial ruin, but I have been faced with other, smaller decisions that involve forks in the road. And it seems my judgment hasn’t improved.

Two weeks ago I was mad at MJ. To be honest, I can’t remember exactly what she did to piss me off but pissed I was nonetheless. Whatever it was didn’t rise to the level of a verbal spat, but it was still bothering me enough that I wasn’t satisfied just letting it go unaddressed.

It was at this very moment that I opened the fridge, spotted a Hershey’s chocolate bar, and smiled like the evil Cheshire cat.

You see, MJ is generally not a fan of chocolate and sweets in general. Ordinarily she’s a very healthy eater and (much to my disappointment) she doesn’t keep such items in the house. Except in case of emergencies. She will randomly (or perhaps it’s once a month???) experience sudden and intense cravings for chocolate and when this happens she immediately raids her emergency stash. This particular candy bar had been in the fridge for almost two weeks because it was an unspoken understanding that she would eat it when her craving kicked in gear.

Not only did I eat the whole thing, I carefully folded the silver wrapper back to form and gently slid it back inside the outer candy wrapper. Then I left it exactly where it was in the fridge, so for a week it looked like her candy bar was safe and sound.

By the mercy of God/Buddha/Karma I was not home when she reached into the fridge this week, her fingers hungrily searching for the chocolate she squirreled away weeks ago. Because if I had been home when she realized the package was empty, I’m pretty sure she would’ve punched me right in the dick.

Instead, I got a phone call. Now you might think because this is all over a candy bar it’s no big deal. Well, you’d be wrong. Dead wrong. She was FURIOUS. I’m pretty sure I could’ve cheated on her and she wouldn’t have been as angry as she was about the Hershey bar. She yelled and screamed and pointed out how much of an asshole one has to be to not only eat someone else’s chocolate, but put the wrapper back in the fridge to boot.

I admit, the fact that I couldn’t even remember what prompted my actions was a big strike against me. And as she verbally castrated me, I realized that I knew full well — even as I was putting the chocolate back in the fridge — it would end this way. And I did it anyways.

It was pretty damn funny though.

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12 thoughts on “The Hershey War of 2009

  1. It is pretty damn funny, but you got off easy. I would have driven to where you were and kicked you in the dick.

  2. It’s funny to me now b/c it’s not that time of the month, but if I was suffering in that way now I might drive to your house and punch you in the dick myself! 🙂

  3. I promise I will kick you in the dick next time I see you. That is just uncool, dude. I know just how crazy those cravings make you. You need to get her a gigantic bar, STAT or there will be no sandwiches for you.

  4. Wow…you are oh so lucky to be breathing. You owe her one of those HUGE Hershy bars, yano the $50 ones they sell at Christmas time?

  5. When did you decide you never wanted to have relations with your wife again? Dumbass.

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