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I’m not an overly positive person. So even though it’s Thanksgiving time and every blogger on Earth is making lists of all the wonderful things in their lives, I just can’t bring myself to go along with the herd.
So I’m compromising.
The following are things I’m thankful for, followed by related spin-offs of the original topic that irritate the piss out of me. Enjoy, and Happy Thanksgiving.
- I’m thankful for my healthy, beautiful, wonderful son who I love more than anything in this world. But I am less thankful for the “NO” phase he’s going through right now, in which every answer to every question you ask him is “no,” and every time you ask him to do something he automatically replies in the negative. Not to mention he spent Thanksgiving dinner running around the house and flicking on and off the one light switch he could reach. I nearly had a seizure with the strobe light effect.
- I’m thankful for my wonderful, sexy, hard-working wife who I love almost more than anything in this world. But I am less thankful for the fact that her memory these days seems to be deteriorating faster than any Alzheimer’s patients in the world right now. We get into arguments because she literally makes up things she thinks I said. And conversely, she fails to remember important things other people tell her. Things like our daycare provider isn’t working today. That’s kind of a biggie, and thank God my brother and my dad have the day off. Or the fact that I told her I’m spending Sunday with my brother watching football. I’ve told her this THREE TIMES so far, and she’s acted surprised each and every time. It’s like living the script of Groundhog Day over here.
- I’m thankful for the bountiful feast I shoveled down my throat this Thanksgiving. From turkey to stuffing to cranberry sauce and a heap o’ mashed potatoes, Thanksgiving is by far my favorite holiday for food. But I am not thankful for the after-effects. I ate so much and crippled my stomach to an extent that my gastrointestinal faculties must look like Paris Hilton after a bender that ended with a sex tape. My poor wife had to sleep in the same bed with me last night as I farted up a storm. No lie, my ass sounded like an out of tune tuba. I even grossed myself out at times.
- On a bathroom-related note, I am thankful for those “no slam” toilet seats we have at our house. You know, the ones where you just push them down a little bit and then they softly and silently descend to the toilet bowl? They’re fantastic. But I am not thankful for all the rest of the world’s population who haven’t purchased these things yet. You get so used to just lightly flicking the seat down, that when you go to someone else’s house you forget not everyone has the same toilet seat technology. The result is me unintentionally slamming a whole bunch of toilet seats, as people wonder what the hell it is that I’m doing in the bathroom to make such a racket.
- And finally, I’m thankful for all you. My readers. But I’m not thankful that you all seem to be much smarter and wittier than I am. There’s nothing like writing what you think is a funny and snarky post, and then coming back to the site an hour later to see a half dozen comments which end up being funnier than my original post. It’s a bitch attracting intelligent, witty people. But I guess we can smell our own huh?
But seriously, this is my blog and I’m an attention whore so if you insist on being smart and witty and showing me up, I will be forced to take action.
Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.