The Little Things

Check out Dad-Blogs. Or I will hunt you down.

I’m not an overly positive person. So even though it’s Thanksgiving time and every blogger on Earth is making lists of all the wonderful things in their lives, I just can’t bring myself to go along with the herd.

So I’m compromising.

The following are things I’m thankful for, followed by related spin-offs of the original topic that irritate the piss out of me. Enjoy, and Happy Thanksgiving.

  • I’m thankful for my healthy, beautiful, wonderful son who I love more than anything in this world. But I am less thankful for the “NO” phase he’s going through right now, in which every answer to every question you ask him is “no,” and every time you ask him to do something he automatically replies in the negative. Not to mention he spent Thanksgiving dinner running around the house and flicking on and off the one light switch he could reach. I nearly had a seizure with the strobe light effect.
  • I’m thankful for my wonderful, sexy, hard-working wife who I love almost more than anything in this world. But I am less thankful for the fact that her memory these days seems to be deteriorating faster than any Alzheimer’s patients in the world right now. We get into arguments because she literally makes up things she thinks I said. And conversely, she fails to remember important things other people tell her. Things like our daycare provider isn’t working today. That’s kind of a biggie, and thank God my brother and my dad have the day off. Or the fact that I told her I’m spending Sunday with my brother watching football. I’ve told her this THREE TIMES so far, and she’s acted surprised each and every time. It’s like living the script of Groundhog Day over here.
  • I’m thankful for the bountiful feast I shoveled down my throat this Thanksgiving. From turkey to stuffing to cranberry sauce and a heap o’ mashed potatoes, Thanksgiving is by far my favorite holiday for food. But I am not thankful for the after-effects. I ate so much and crippled my stomach to an extent that my gastrointestinal faculties must look like Paris Hilton after a bender that ended with a sex tape. My poor wife had to sleep in the same bed with me last night as I farted up a storm. No lie, my ass sounded like an out of tune tuba. I even grossed myself out at times.
  • On a bathroom-related note, I am thankful for those “no slam” toilet seats we have at our house. You know, the ones where you just push them down a little bit and then they softly and silently descend to the toilet bowl? They’re fantastic. But I am not thankful for all the rest of the world’s population who haven’t purchased these things yet. You get so used to just lightly flicking the seat down, that when you go to someone else’s house you forget not everyone has the same toilet seat technology. The result is me unintentionally slamming a whole bunch of toilet seats, as people wonder what the hell it is that I’m doing in the bathroom to make such a racket.
  • And finally, I’m thankful for all you. My readers. But I’m not thankful that you all seem to be much smarter and wittier than I am. There’s nothing like writing what you think is a funny and snarky post, and then coming back to the site an hour later to see a half dozen comments which end up being funnier than my original post. It’s a bitch attracting intelligent, witty people. But I guess we can smell our own huh?

But seriously, this is my blog and I’m an attention whore so if you insist on being smart and witty and showing me up, I will be forced to take action.

Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.

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11 thoughts on “The Little Things

  1. That is an amazing post! I went off in a total rant but there are so many things I’m truly thankful for as well… I’m still in a getting my shit together phase in my life so the rant side resumes and the thankful side comes.

    Your honesty is what keeps me glued to your blog… You say what other people wish they could!

  2. Jacob: What did I JUST write about witty and intelligent comments being left in this space???

    You bring up a good point. However, I must add that she remembers all the bad things I say and she stores them away in that ridiculously cavernous place that scorned women possess inside their heads to house their husbands’ mistakes. She just forgets everything else. Or as George W. Bush would say, she “misremembers.”

  3. i’m not a marital expert, BUT in my book, you’re one for two in the first sentence of your second bullet point:

    “I’m thankful for my wonderful, sexy, hard-working wife” is sure to win you brownie points.

    “who I love almost more than anything in this world,” however? again, i’m no expert, but i might’ve left the “almost” part out. assuming you truly do want to watch football w/ your bro on sunday.

    and by the way, i’m glad i’m not the only one whose wife forgets to mention big things. could this possibly be a gender issue, or is it a case of selective memory/disclosure?

  4. john: the “almost” is a tip of the cap to my son, because with all due respect to the wife I can’t imagine loving anyone or anything more than him. Except for Klondike Bars. Those are awesome. As to your second point, I’m watching football with my brother no matter what because she’s got absolutely no say over that! Plus she likes it when I’m out of the house because she can actually get things accomplished.

    But yes, the selective memory thing could very well be a widespread ploy by the fairer sex.

  5. Apok: It’s unbelievable. You just lightly push it down toward the ground and it slowly drops to the bowl without making a sound. Totally worth the money.

  6. We are thankful for your blogs Daddy Files, as GG stated ‘you say what people wish they could’ and GG is the same way too. You are a great read! And you truly do have a wonderful family. So your Thanksgiving was truly blessed. Sometimes I wish you’d visit GG’s post and see who she reads (umm me and maybe a few others – but I can only speak for myself) There are times we need a man’s point of view of some of the things we blog about. We have our opinions of men – but we would like a man’s insight as well. But again – thanks for your blogs. I enjoy them. You make me laugh.

  7. don’t understand why it didn’t take my name (I just posted and it shows anonymous)

  8. Yes…but are you thankful for a reader like me….who always seems to side with your wife. Hmmmm… I think I’ve got you on that one!

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