Toxic Sippy Cup

I’m not sure exactly how long it’s been there, but it’s been a few weeks at least. Maybe even a month or more. And all I know is, I’m not touching it.

The cylindrical object is 5 inches tall and yellow. It has a cartoon pachyderm on it, literally making it the elephant in the room. It’s in the far corner of our bedroom, no doubt left there one groggy morning when Will woke up too early, was thirsty and simply discarded it when he was bored. The small cup looks so innocuous, but if you were to pick it up you’d realize it’s half full.

I’ve cleaned up massive dumps. I’ve dealt with diapers that have completely soaked through. I’ve been shit on, pissed on and my kid has vomited directly on me. Parenting is a nasty business.

But nothing — NOTHING — is worse than dealing with sour milk!

We have roughly 3,495 sippy cups in our house. They’re everywhere. So although we try to keep track of them, it’s inevitable that from time to time we’ll misplace a few of them. I’ve found half-filled sippy cups after 3-4 days before and it’s nasty. The milk turns into this toxic sludge and when you remove the cover…UGH! The smell is just disgusting. Hell, the THOUGHT of the smell is enough to make breakfast rise up and threaten a return to the outside world.

But that was milk left out for 3-4 days. This has been a month. Do you have any idea what kind of horror awaits in that sippy cup?

MJ and I see it every time we’re in the bedroom. It just sits there, looming like a dementor from the Harry Potter series waiting to suck out all the joy in our lives. My wife is even more susceptible to the curdled milk nastiness than I am, and she will not go near it. She even tried to trick me a few weeks ago.

MJ: “Hey hun, can you grab Will’s sippy cup off the nightstand and clean it out in the sink?”

ME: “Um, it’s half full. Hasn’t this been there for awhile now?”

MJ: “I don’t think so, I think just a day or two.”

ME: “Bullshit, it’s been more than a week. I’m not touching that.”

MJ: “I’m not either.”

ME: “Fine, but what do we do?”

That is the question isn’t it? At this point, the milk has likely curdled into some mutated and unrecognizable sludge. If that cap is unscrewed and the cup’s contents released into the world, Jack Bauer is going to come hunt us down and arrest us for unleashing chemical warfare on U.S. soil.

Cape Cod will be quarantined from the rest of the state and everything east of the Canal will be napalmed in order to save the rest of the world. The monkey in the movie “Outbreak” has nothing on this sippy cup.

Honestly, I’m thinking about calling the local fire department and having them treat it like unexploded ordnance. It’ll be like when someone finds a World War II era grenade and they need to take it to the military base next door to detonate it.

Or maybe I’ll bury it for the good of humanity like they did with that board game in “Jumanji.”

Whatever happens, I’m scared. You never think you’ll have to deal with chemical warfare in your own country, and there’s no way to be prepared when it lands on your doorstep. I’m trying to put on a brave face but when I think of the evil festering inside that sippy cup, I just can’t take it.

Just know, no matter what happens, I love you all.

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19 thoughts on “Toxic Sippy Cup

  1. With roughly 3,495 in your house I’d think tossing that one in the trash would be the most logical solution. Or just mail it to someone you don’t like with a note that says open me.

  2. We’ve found long-missing sippy cups around here before. We throw them away. I don’t even contemplate actually taking the cover off – no freaking way. I can handle poop, vomit and blood but there is no way in hell I am going near spoiled milk!

  3. Gross, dude. Sadly, I can top that. My wife left a Thermos lunch container on the counter one day about a month ago, and it just kinda sat there for a while. She had used it, and it hadn’t been cleaned since then. I opened it up, and the contents exploded in a cloud of MOLD DUST.

    MOLD DUST.

    I was this close to throwing up.

  4. Oh yea…I’ve put on a pair of rubber gloves AND held a towel to pick up a sippy cup as you have described. Then I took it directly to the trash – outdoor trash that is…and fought gagging the entire time. And I too have been vomited on directly, shit on, pissed on, etc. I can hold it together UNTIL I find one of these treasures as you mentioned. Damn you are getting a full dose of parenting aren’t you?

  5. I definitely vote for throwing it away in the outdoor garbage! And if you’re the type that finds it hard to justify throwing away a perfectly good sippy cup then let me know and I’ll happily arrange a trade with you from our vast collection. All I ask is that you throw the one you owe me into the outdoor trash. ;)

  6. I once had a college roomate leave his milk in our nonworking microfridge from October until we moved out in May, needless to say it was discovered after he bolted early and left me with the cleanup. I puked three times during the bleaching process.

  7. Apparently I’m not the only one. I concur: throw that thing away. Some things just aren’t worth it.

  8. I say borrow a hazmat suit. Grab that thing and run like the wind to the nearest door. Hurl the biohazard with all your might away from your home, and never mention it again.

  9. And come talk to me when you open a cooler outside and find an 18 month old haunch of venison. Not only was everyone in my house puking, 2 of our neighbors were throwing up too. Told my mom not to marry a redneck but noooo she didn’t want to listen to me.

  10. Oh, the memories. I threw away my share of sippy cups, no problem. Another thing I threw away? Shit filled training pants/underware. I knew this is wasteful, but I really didn’t care. No way was I scooping out crap and putting it in my washing machine.

  11. As someone that’s worked at a dog food processing plant and a dairy distribution center, I have the right to call you a giant pussy.

  12. People, people, people.

    First of all, my wife is truly a frugal yankee. She picks up pennies on the ground for God’s sake. Second, we probably will throw it out but it’s not really entertaining to write a post where I simply throw out an old sippy cup with disgusting milk in it, now is it? I need some artistic license!

  13. Keep it in a distant part of the house, and bring it out when you want to say to Will “This is what happens when you don’t clean up after yourself!”

    Of course, it didn’t work with me…

  14. I am surprised the dog hasn’t done something with it yet. That could turn nasty-or nastier….especially if they eat it.

  15. Liz: You’re right. I should’ve either opened it and made myself vomit or gave it to the dog to make the story better. I’ll do most anything for a good story (as you know).

  16. I have thrown out sippy cups with less than old milk in them. Just wait until you have to buy the ones with the rubber stoppers in the lid to keep them from leaking and then put Nesquik in the milk and the Nesquik gets caught in the rubber stopper and molds. THAT, my friend, is loads of fun to clean!

  17. Thankfully, we never left milk in the cups. But oh, have we done it with apple juice. After finding a missing cup after, oh, say 3-4 months, you’d think we were making moonshine! With floating mold chunks of course.. Those ALWAYS went in the trash…

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