I’m not sure exactly how long it’s been there, but it’s been a few weeks at least. Maybe even a month or more. And all I know is, I’m not touching it.
The cylindrical object is 5 inches tall and yellow. It has a cartoon pachyderm on it, literally making it the elephant in the room. It’s in the far corner of our bedroom, no doubt left there one groggy morning when Will woke up too early, was thirsty and simply discarded it when he was bored. The small cup looks so innocuous, but if you were to pick it up you’d realize it’s half full.
I’ve cleaned up massive dumps. I’ve dealt with diapers that have completely soaked through. I’ve been shit on, pissed on and my kid has vomited directly on me. Parenting is a nasty business.
But nothing — NOTHING — is worse than dealing with sour milk!
We have roughly 3,495 sippy cups in our house. They’re everywhere. So although we try to keep track of them, it’s inevitable that from time to time we’ll misplace a few of them. I’ve found half-filled sippy cups after 3-4 days before and it’s nasty. The milk turns into this toxic sludge and when you remove the cover…UGH! The smell is just disgusting. Hell, the THOUGHT of the smell is enough to make breakfast rise up and threaten a return to the outside world.
But that was milk left out for 3-4 days. This has been a month. Do you have any idea what kind of horror awaits in that sippy cup?
MJ and I see it every time we’re in the bedroom. It just sits there, looming like a dementor from the Harry Potter series waiting to suck out all the joy in our lives. My wife is even more susceptible to the curdled milk nastiness than I am, and she will not go near it. She even tried to trick me a few weeks ago.
MJ: “Hey hun, can you grab Will’s sippy cup off the nightstand and clean it out in the sink?”
ME: “Um, it’s half full. Hasn’t this been there for awhile now?”
MJ: “I don’t think so, I think just a day or two.”
ME: “Bullshit, it’s been more than a week. I’m not touching that.”
MJ: “I’m not either.”
ME: “Fine, but what do we do?”
That is the question isn’t it? At this point, the milk has likely curdled into some mutated and unrecognizable sludge. If that cap is unscrewed and the cup’s contents released into the world, Jack Bauer is going to come hunt us down and arrest us for unleashing chemical warfare on U.S. soil.
Cape Cod will be quarantined from the rest of the state and everything east of the Canal will be napalmed in order to save the rest of the world. The monkey in the movie “Outbreak” has nothing on this sippy cup.
Honestly, I’m thinking about calling the local fire department and having them treat it like unexploded ordnance. It’ll be like when someone finds a World War II era grenade and they need to take it to the military base next door to detonate it.
Or maybe I’ll bury it for the good of humanity like they did with that board game in “Jumanji.”
Whatever happens, I’m scared. You never think you’ll have to deal with chemical warfare in your own country, and there’s no way to be prepared when it lands on your doorstep. I’m trying to put on a brave face but when I think of the evil festering inside that sippy cup, I just can’t take it.
Just know, no matter what happens, I love you all.