We’re Pregnant! Uh oh

MJ told me she was pregnant on January 2. It marked the fifth time in as many years she uttered those words. Yet we only have one child.

The realization we’ve successfully created human life just doesn’t bring about as much joy as it used to. After three miscarriages, how could it? I still remember the first time MJ dropped the news on me. It was Jan. 19, 2007 and I was about to travel to Indianapolis to watch my Patriots play the Colts in the AFC Championship game. We were having dinner at a little place called The Mockingbird and MJ slid a bag across the table. It contained the cutest, tiniest little Red Sox jersey you’ve ever seen in your life. Because I am a RAGING idiot, I didn’t understand what was happening.

Then she slid what looked like a thermometer across the table, which had just one word digitally inscribed on it: “PREGNANT.”

After five seconds of stunned silence, I suddenly shrieked. It wasn’t a yell or a manly barbaric yawp, it was a shriek. I had no control over the shrill, odd little noise that emanated from my mouth, I just couldn’t hold in all my love and excitement, and that was the noise I made. I bolted up from my seat, ran to her side of the table and mauled her. Then I shouted “I’M GONNA BE A DAD!!!!” to a restaurant full of strangers. Some clapped while others sneered, but I was all smiles. I was on a legitimate high and nothing could bring me down.

Maybe the outcome of the Colts-Patriots game that weekend should’ve been an indicator of things to come.

We lost that baby. Then we lost the next one too. When MJ told me she was pregnant with Will, I think my response was something like “Cool. But let’s not get our hopes up.” After losing Alex last summer, that feeling of dread and anxiety has only been heightened. We’ve had three miscarriages and one successful pregnancy. Those aren’t great numbers and I feel now the odds are stacked against us.

That may be the most nefarious part of miscarriages that no one seems to talk about. The effect they have on future pregnancies. The way they linger in your mind like a fart after someone leaves the room, attaching itself to everything and snuffing out all the joy from what should be a thrilling moment.

That’s what I felt when MJ told me she was pregnant again on Jan. 2. It was more of a “here we go again” sentiment, as I thought about the next few months and the sickening waiting game that inevitably occurs when you’ve suffered the loss of multiple pregnancies.

“Are you spotting? What color?”

“Do you feel OK? What do you mean you just ‘don’t feel right?’”

“Should we call the doctor?”

Basically I’m like the world’s most pessimistic hypochondriac at this point. I cringe every morning when MJ goes to the bathroom for fear of seeing her weeping over a blood clot in the toilet. Or the heartbreak and panic we’ll feel if she gets off the couch and there’s a dark red stain there.

The question of whether or not to even tell people about the baby is a whole other awful topic.

Some people spread the news immediately with no fear and reckless abandon. Others stick to a 12-week rule, which calls for keeping quiet about things until the 3-month mark of the pregnancy, at which point the risk of miscarriage drops precipitously. We’ve gone both routes, and they’re both painful.

This time around we both agreed to wait. Prudence and caution should be exercised with our precarious past in mind. But then a funny thing happened.

I got tired of the dread. Of the worry. The moroseness. And suddenly I realized this is a joyous occasion for us dammit! We need to be happy. Hell, some people can’t even get pregnant. At least we’re getting a chance, other people never even get that far. I realized it’s important to celebrate the victories when they’re still victories, even if they might turn into a defeat down the road.

We could very well lose this baby. We have an ultrasound on Friday so I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. And yes, that thought is always lurking in the back of my mind. That’s just how it is now. But I’m happy about this baby. I’m excited about this baby. And in the end, we decided to tell everyone about the baby because people are always happy to hear good news.

Will it be painful if we have to make the unpleasant announcement that we lost it, hell yes. But that pain is going to be there no matter what. The real tragedy would be if the sadness of the loss was preceded by anxiety and pessimism, instead of joy and exhilaration at the news of new life.

September 11, 2011. Can’t wait to meet you kid!

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28 thoughts on “We’re Pregnant! Uh oh

  1. I am so glad you wrote this. I have not had to face this. To the best of my knowledge, I have been pregnant once, and I have one child. But I know what you have written is true, from other blogs I have read and people I know who have struggled with this. I am glad you are embracing being happy about it, and I hope that this one is a keeper. But I am mostly glad that you have written this as the dad in this scenario.

  2. Congratulations!

    I understand the sentiment perfectly! I made the same deal with myself after my last late term loss (I’ve had two) I’ll be happy at the chance to be pregnant without trying to hide myself in fear of the ‘maybes’. What MIGHT happen shouldn’t shadow over the happiness of the what I KNOW to be at the time that it is. I’ve had two early miscarriages, one 24wk still birth, & one full term that died shortly after birth due to severe defects…BUT I also have two (mostly) perfectly healthy awesome children, it’s in their lives that I take intense joy.

    I pray for all the best for you and MJ!!! Congratulations again!!!

  3. I can’t imagine how nerve wracking it must be for you. It is a worrisome topic for people who haven’t lost a pregnancy. I’m glad that you are taking this attitude. I hope you enjoy every minute of it. You are right that everyone is happy for you too. You know me. I’m praying for you.

  4. Wishing you only the best, except when it comes to the celtics in which case I wish you a 45 game losing streak. ;)

  5. Congratulations! Thank you for writing this. I have 2 healthy perfect little boys. On 1/6 I had a miscarriage and it is the most heartbreaking, traumatic thing that I have personally had to go through. Sincerely hoping you have a healthy, happy pregnancy!

  6. Well said. Also, you have an unbelievable attitude and I wish your family the best of health and success.

  7. Congrats! You are right to tell people. People LOVE to celebrate good news, and you have GREAT NEWS! I have had 3 miscarriages and 2 successful pregnancies. I chose to tell people right away for my last two pregnancies, after taking the attitude that the more people who knew, the more people there would be to support me if, god forbid, something were to happen. Best wishes to you and your family!

  8. Thank you for writing this, I’ve been in the same boat lost 3. Your story gives me hope that one day……….
    Thank you and congratulations.

  9. I wish you guys good luck, and good health and a safe secure joyful pregnancy and birth. Thanks you for sharing this with us.

  10. I’m sorry, did you just say she slid a urine soaked hormone stick across the table? Like, where you were eating? Blech.

  11. Nothing to say except congrats! Mazel Tov! Here’s to MJ having a huge, bloated, cranky summer!

  12. Congratulations! And I admire your courage

    We have never lost a child and so I don’t really know what that is like and I hope I never do.

    But I have friends who have and just that has made me wary of being excited about getting pregnant. Certainly not the same, but I do see a glimpse of what you’re going through.

    Good luck! We’re all here for you!

  13. Congratulations! I hope only the best for you all as I do for us. I have lost 3 pregnancies since my son was born in 2007. May this little one shine on into your lives in September!

  14. Congratulations to you and MJ. I hope with all my heart and soul that this pregnancy goes off without a hitch, and that you get to meet your baby in September, full of joy. You guys deserve it.

  15. I couldn’t even read the whole thing because i’m so excited for you!congratulations!!! And september 11th of this year, you’ll have a 10 year milestone baby!!

  16. I felt EXACTLY the same when I became pregnant for the forth time, the only successful one we’ve had. Also felt the same about telling people, because really the people that I needed when it all went wrong were the same ones I wanted to tell.

    You are absolutely right to just stay positive as much as you can and try to be excited because there is nothing you can do to change the outcome, whatever that may be. Fingers crossed for you all.

    If it helps I am now 21 weeks pg with my fifth pregnancy and all good so far. So despite the numbers being stacked it is possible.

  17. Congratulations on your and MJ’s pregnancy! I wish you both the best of luck.

  18. Congratulations to both of you! That’s cartwheel inducing news in my world *g*

    (We have the exact same history – 2 miscarriages, 1 baby, 1 miscarriage. I’d try 100 more times, but unfortunately the IVF odds for a 41-year old aren’t that great and hubby feels it’s too big a risk)

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