We’ve Been Overtaken

All the signs were there, but I guess I just didn’t see it. Or maybe I was in denial. But after jumping in the shower this morning, there was no more denying it.

I turned on the water like I do every morning and didn’t notice anything different. That’s not surprising since many people are on autopilot in the a.m. and they do everything mechanically because they’re only half awake. Once the water got hot I climbed in and started to wash up. All of a sudden I felt strange and the hairs on the back of my neck began to stand up straight. I felt eyes on me, but that was impossible. MJ was in the kitchen and there aren’t even any windows in our bathroom. Frantically I looked around, even up at the ceiling to find out where this freaky sensation was coming from.

And then, when I looked down, that’s when I saw it.

It’s a duck. In a fireman’s outfit. And for some reason it was on my shower faucet. I questioned MJ as to how this psychotic looking animal came to grace us with its presence. She told me it goes on the faucet to keep Will from hitting his head during bathtime. And that’s when I realized that our house is not our house anymore. Will has taken over.

Don’t believe me? Follow me on a brief photographic tour of our humble abode.

This one is kind of a given because it’s Will’s nursery, but still…look at all that stuff! We haven’t used that swing in months, that rocking chair is too rickety to even hold my fat ass and the rest is clothes. For such a little man, his wardrobe is outrageous! He has more outfits than MJ and I combined. And those clear totes are all MJ. She has this OCD thing with clear totes. All the clothes that she packs away have to be organized accordingingly and put in clear totes she knows exactly what they are when she puts them in the attic. I made fun of her at first but I find it’s best not to poke the bear.

This is our living room. It’s the first thing you see when you walk in our front door. Toys, toys and more toys. Buckets of toys. And I’m not even sure we bought all of them. I’m fairly confident these toys hump like rabbits during the night and multiply in spades by¬† morning. It seems like each time we put the toys back in the baskets, by morning they end up in the farthest reaching regions of the house.

That’s our living room leading into the kitchen. Notice the odd configuration of the Pack n Play? Yeah, that’s because our Pack n Play serves a dual purpose. Sure it holds Will in the morning while we do errands, but it’s also a blockade. We have to stick that thing between the couch and the entertainment center to block our little explorer from getting to the kitchen and the dog bowls. That means I either need to move the Pack n Play every single time I need to get to the kitchen, or — more often than not — I have to hurdle the couch. And yes, I have fallen several times and pulled a hamstring in the process. But do I stop? Of course not.

And our tour ends in the dining room with Will’s high chair. As you can see, Will is not the only one who gets fed. When we put him in his high chair for meals, the dogs immediately bolt over and take up a post nearby. They wait for dropped food, or they wait for Will to just feed them himself.

As you can see, the kid is everywhere. And even if he’s not, his stuff is. I’ve learned that when you have children, your house is inevitably transformed into one continuous playground. At first you think that you’ll keep all his stuff in the nursery, only to discover that you actually don’t spend any time in the nursery. Which is a bitch because you’ve spent hours painting, putting up baseboard, putting in a chair rail and stenciling the entire top of the room with moons and stars. So the nursery becomes a storage center with one little path leading to the crib for bedtime.

Meanwhile, every other part of the house you thought was yours, is anything but. It’s his. Everything is his. Kids are like the aliens in the movie Independence Day. They take over your house and use it for their own purposes until there’s nothing of yours left. Except that movie lasted two hours and this invasion lasts at least 18 years.

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12 thoughts on “We’ve Been Overtaken

  1. If/when you have another child you will be glad she’s got everything sorted into the appropriate totes. And yes, I’m defending her because I do the same exact thing.

    We have toys and kid things in every room in the house except our bedroom. I flat out refuse to share that space anymore!

  2. I’m sending a prayer out to the universe that you’re blogging when he hits the Lego’s stage. The older he gets the smaller the toys get. Accordingly, they also get sharper.

    You may, mistakenly, believe it will get better when he’s older and can pick up his own toys. Not so. Relish this time of not fighting the uphill pick up after yourself battle.

    You found a ducky on your shower. I woke up and sat in piss. Wanna trade?

  3. Love how the dog posts himself by the highchair … very opportunistic.

    LOL … you hope the invasion is only 18 years.

  4. Oh yea…welcome. And the bigger they get the bigger the toys become for some reason. THEN you have the indoor vs. outdoor toys. It becomes a nightmare!

    I SOOOOOOOO understand why women dye their hair blonde and drive across the country in a sports car when their kids go to college. But then again, you are such a wonderfully involved father you might be the one in the sports car. Sigh.

    You are a great influence !

  5. OMG… Jee is so right! Legos are horrible. I don’t know if it’s worse to step on one or sit on one…. Kids definitely take over all of your space. And you might think it will get better when you get a bigger house… it won’t… they’ll just get more and bigger things. Good luck.

  6. BAWHAHAHA! Wait, I looked everywhere and didn’t see the piles of laundry (both dirty piles waiting to be washed, and clean piles-folded, sitting on the back of the sofa and chairs, waiting to be put away)! Man, you ain’t seen NOTHING yet! I feel your pain, brother.

  7. Freddy, you didn’t look close enough my friend. The picture featuring the Pack n Play has folded laundry waiting to be put away, with some more off camera to the left. So we’re right there with ya!

  8. They take over the house and every other aspect of life. I had the same thought about the nursery. I spent a lot of time painting and hanging trim and killing brain cells with paint fumes. It is basically a well decorated storage room.

  9. I guess that’s what we have to look forward to in the upcoming months! How funny!! Will is so adorable!

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