I gave Will a bath last night, as I’ve done many times in the last six months. I stripped him down, switched on the water without hardly a thought and then put the Aveeno in to make some suds. I laid him down in the water and had a field day. Splashing around, kicking his feet, squealing in absolute delight as if baths were the coolest thing on the planet and he was James Dean.
But when I picked him up out of the tub, something was horribly wrong.
Will looked like a wild animal. It was as if something in the water had caused some sort of awful mutation and as a result Will was sprouting hair all over his body. Sometimes in clumps, sometimes in wet strands…it covered him and he even had hair wrapped around his fingers. Basically, it looked like I spawned the Wolfman.
That’s when I realized it wasn’t some kind of nuclear accident. It was my wife.
I know I’m going to get in trouble for this, but so be it. I need to know, what the hell is up with women leaving piles of hair in the shower?!?!?! It’s disgusting and a little concerning if you ask me.
Look, my wife is hot. She is not some hairy beast who never grooms herself. Quite to the contrary she keeps herself very well maintained and always looks well put together. But if you were a guest in our house and you had merely used our shower without meeting my wife first, you would think she was some sort of Monkey Woman. Honest to God, I actually asked her yesterday if she had taken it upon herself to give the dogs a bath in the tub because there was so much hair in the drain.
It’s as if she morphs into Chewbacca when she enters the shower. This morning I actually listened for the Chewy’s trademark groaning from just outside the door. Either that or she’s cheating on me with a Wookie and they make hot, hairy love in the shower while I’m gone.
And it’s not like she’s going bald. She’s German and she’s got very thick, beautiful hair. I checked her over myself for bald spots out of concern yesterday. Her excuse is that she’s losing her pregnancy hair. WHAT???? Losing pregnancy hair? That’s just weird and it doesn’t make any sense to me. Pregnancy hair…thank God I’m a dude.
But the fact remains that something must be done. If not for my sanity, for the safety of my child. I’m tired of pulling Will out of the tub only to find he’s grown a handlebar mustache during his bath.
And I’m fully aware that most of you — my good readers — are women and mothers and maybe my wife is right. Maybe this is a common occurrence and I’m making a big deal out of nothing. But as guys we’re always hearing about how disgusting we are, how messy we are, how we don’t clean up after ourselves. Well screw that! My wife is literally shedding and I’m stuck wrestling with clumps and strands of hair on a daily basis. I’m afraid to ever take a bath for fear the hairs might collectively rise up against me and drown me.