What’s With All the Hair?!?!

I gave Will a bath last night, as I’ve done many times in the last six months. I stripped him down, switched on the water without hardly a thought and then put the Aveeno in to make some suds. I laid him down in the water and had a field day. Splashing around, kicking his feet, squealing in absolute delight as if baths were the coolest thing on the planet and he was James Dean.

But when I picked him up out of the tub, something was horribly wrong.

Will looked like a wild animal. It was as if something in the water had caused some sort of awful mutation and as a result Will was sprouting hair all over his body. Sometimes in clumps, sometimes in wet strands…it covered him and he even had hair wrapped around his fingers. Basically, it looked like I spawned the Wolfman.

That’s when I realized it wasn’t some kind of nuclear accident. It was my wife.

I know I’m going to get in trouble for this, but so be it. I need to know, what the hell is up with women leaving piles of hair in the shower?!?!?! It’s disgusting and a little concerning if you ask me.

Look, my wife is hot. She is not some hairy beast who never grooms herself. Quite to the contrary she keeps herself very well maintained and always looks well put together. But if you were a guest in our house and you had merely used our shower without meeting my wife first, you would think she was some sort of Monkey Woman. Honest to God, I actually asked her yesterday if she had taken it upon herself to give the dogs a bath in the tub because there was so much hair in the drain.

It’s as if she morphs into Chewbacca when she enters the shower. This morning I actually listened for the Chewy’s trademark groaning from just outside the door. Either that or she’s cheating on me with a Wookie and they make hot, hairy love in the shower while I’m gone.

And it’s not like she’s going bald. She’s German and she’s got very thick, beautiful hair. I checked her over myself for bald spots out of concern yesterday. Her excuse is that she’s losing her pregnancy hair. WHAT???? Losing pregnancy hair? That’s just weird and it doesn’t make any sense to me. Pregnancy hair…thank God I’m a dude.

But the fact remains that something must be done. If not for my sanity, for the safety of my child. I’m tired of pulling Will out of the tub only to find he’s grown a handlebar mustache during his bath.

And I’m fully aware that most of you — my good readers — are women and mothers and maybe my wife is right. Maybe this is a common occurrence and I’m making a big deal out of nothing. But as guys we’re always hearing about how disgusting we are, how messy we are, how we don’t clean up after ourselves. Well screw that! My wife is literally shedding and I’m stuck wrestling with clumps and strands of hair on a daily basis. I’m afraid to ever take a bath for fear the hairs might collectively rise up against me and drown me.

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12 thoughts on “What’s With All the Hair?!?!

  1. Dude. My wife is the SAME way. I hate stepping into the shower, minding my own business, and suddenly getting the ever-living CRAP scared out of me by a floating clump of tangled woman-hair.

  2. I continuously wonder why I’m not bald. I leave hair EVERYWHERE, yet I have insanely thick , long hair on my head. If I sit in a guest chair in someones office then get up to leave, the chair looks like it’s been morfed into a Chia Pet. I’m sure there are many men out there that have been accused of cheating because I’ve passed by them on the street and 5 of my long blond hairs have blown on to their jackets and they’ve worn them home. People are always picking it off my husband’s clothes at work and I’m going through gallons of Draino at home. I’m looking for some environmentally friendly solution to clogged drains before I ruin the watertable.

  3. Hahahha. Men “shed” just as much as women but because (generally) their hair is shorter it goes down the drain more easily or is just less noticeable. I have long hair and as soon as I am done in the shower I make sure to wipe the tub so there isn’t any hair left behind. It’s my own hair and it grosses ME out, I can’t imagine what anyone else would think if they had to stand in it!

  4. THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME after I had my kids and they were about Will’s age. I went to the doctor at one point because there was so much flippin hair falling off of me. My husband was completely disgusted. The doctor confirmed that is was indeed from hormones. And don’t worry, it will stop soon. :o)

  5. I could cover the bald head of hundreds of women with my post pregnancy hair loss! It’s something do to with the hormones, my OB told me to start taking the pre-natal vit. again and it’s stopped! Pass it along to the wife.

  6. I shed like a wild animal in the shower; however, my hair remains long and thick. I don’t know how I’m not bald. But, I do clean out the tub when I get out so nobody else has to deal with it!

  7. Okay, I am laughing so hard!! My poor daughter, who is 2, will scream while taking a bath when she sees one of my MANY hair strands floating by. It’s hilarious – she stands up, points and screams “SPIDER!!!” Not sure my husband shares my sense of enthusiasm on this subject, though!!

  8. its perfectly normal. You stop losing hair during pregnancy, your body holds onto it. About 3months to 1 year after having a baby (depending on the woman) your hormones shift. Your body releases the folicles that would have been slowly lost over 9 months in the span of 2-3. PLUS you lose the other ones you would normally be losing them. You do lose hair every day, every one does. But for a postpartum woman its worse.

  9. i didn’t really loose hair till after i had my son now it seems as though it’s falling out all over the place it’s crazy so your wife is not alone!! I sware i should just collect my hair that’s lis falling out and donate it to loc of love i’m sure they could makea few wigs out of it, lol

  10. Funny stuff…my husband gets mad because my hair gets tangled through washcloths in the washing machine. I try to get it all out and not let it lie around, but I do shed a lot and it’s tough to control. And I have REALLY thick hair still. Wonder how long it will last? At any rate – would you really rather have her wear a hair net?

    Finally getting to the end of all the entries thus far and I’m looking forward to continuing to read in the future. Great blog, thanks for being an open book (even if, in my opinion, you are occasionally self-righteous, immature and pedantic). What, I said occasionally!

  11. PA Mommy,

    Hairnets are dead sexy. That’d be so hot!

    And no worries about your perception of me. Anyone who uses the word pedantic is OK in my book.

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