Lately I’ve been getting a lot of head. And I’m really unhappy about it. Because it’s also come with a side of fists and open palm slaps. No perverts, MJ and I are unfortunately not engaged in some of sort of sadomasochistic sexual deviancy. Although I wouldn’t mind if she slapped me around a little bit, I’m talking about Will and the new phase he’s entered.
He is beating the crap out of us.
First of all, his head is a wrecking ball. You have to be very careful while holding him because he keeps his head on a swivel. And if you’re not paying attention — BAM — you’ll catch his cranium right in the face. I’ve gotten bloody lips, fat lips, bloody noses and more bruises than I can count. But in addition to that, his new thing is hitting people.
You’ll be holding him and he’ll be looking at you with that angelic mug. And just as you finish telling him how adorable he is, that’s when he strikes like a cobra. He smiles at you and then bitch slaps you right in the face. And let me tell you, he’s not a weak kid. He hits like a hammer. And the bitch of it is he smiles at you while he’s battering you, like he’s pleased with himself.
I’ve read up on this and it seems to be a common phase kids go through at this age. But even though that may be true, I feel like we can’t allow it. MJ is especially not liking this new development, and I fear for Will the next time he clocks her. There’s bound to a mother-son WWF style smackdown on the horizon and I can only hope I’m out of the house when it occurs.
To make matters worse, he’s at the worst height possible right now. So when he runs up to you all excited and starts flailing his arms around, he ends up smacking me right in the junk leaving me doubled over in pain. Somehow it’s the end of the world when he hits MJ, but when I get cracked in the family jewels it’s playful and humorous. Funny how that works.