We lost Alexandra a year ago. We miscarried again in February. Since then I think every single person on the planet has gotten pregnant. Seriously, it’s insane. My best friend and his wife, my wife’s best friend and her husband, two good female friends from high school, my neighbor and countless other acquaintances out there on the periphery. All with the proverbial bun in the oven.
Please don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them. Thrilled actually. I have nothing but all the love in the world for each of them and I can’t wait until all these babies are born so I can play with them and hold them. But watching everyone else get what you so desperately want…it’s tough.
As the year anniversary of my clash with the abortion protesters drew near, I began to get a little chippy. The YouTube video below is nearing 1 million hits, and with that comes some of the nutcases. There are some nasty comments on there calling me and MJ murderers, telling us we didn’t love our baby enough, etc.
For the most part I’ve been able to ignore them and see them for the crazies they are. But lately, feeling the weight and frustration that’s been building up, I’ve taken to responding to some of them. I know it’s never a good idea to feed the trolls but I can’t help it.
I’ve just been so fucking angry. I feel like anger seeps out of my pores and spontaneously combusts as I walk around on fire. I’ve considered taking the video down and even stopping this blog altogether just to get away from it all and not have to deal with it.
And just then, I got the most soul-refreshing email from a perfect stranger whose kind words have helped me gain some perspective and really soothed me. And boy did I need it. So, with her permission and taking out some identifying information, I’d like to thank the author of this email for saving me when I desperately needed it.
This is not to paint myself as a hero. I’m the farthest thing from it. This is to say thank you to M.
Even if yours was the only supportive email I received, it was worth it. Aside from the obvious pain MJ was in that day at the clinic, I was equally saddened by the young faces of the women sitting in the lobby that day, who had also just run the gauntlet of crazy religious zealots shouting at them with no understanding of their particular circumstances. I saw the shame, compounded by taunts from the thoughtless jackasses outside. And every so often their hateful words would drift in through the cracked window, causing a fresh round of tears and heartbreak for women making an impossible decision.
Yes I had my wife in the forefront of my mind that day, but I took a mental snapshot of each face in that waiting room and tucked it away. And I thought about women who went there for abortions in the past, who didn’t have anyone to stick up for them. Who either wouldn’t, or couldn’t, fight back. Women like M.
Thank you for that email M. You’ll never quite understand what it means to me. Or how much I needed it. Say what you want about the Internet, but it allowed me to connect with a total stranger on a ridiculously meaningful and personal level. And I’m forever grateful for that.