Yup. I said it. It’s tougher to be a working parent than a stay-at-home parent. But before you sharpen your pitchforks and load your shotguns, let me explain.
Parenting is tough work no matter what. Whether you’re at home planning arts & crafts and doing all the cooking, cleaning and childcare, or rushing home to parent after punching the clock following a full day at the office, we all work hard and face uphill battles. Stay-at-home parents (and I know and love a ton of them) often sacrifice their careers to make sure they can raise their kids right. It’s tough going days without adult contact and dealing with some ignorant people who look down their nose at you because you’re not working 9 to 5 (this is especially true for stay-at-home dads). I’m not sure I could hack it and that’s why I praise all the men and women who choose this route.
But one of the perks of being a stay-at-home parent is exactly what I just mentioned: praise.
Moms who choose to stay at home have long been looked at as heroes. They call it “the toughest yet most rewarding job in the world,” and bloggers fill up virtual tomes with flowery prose about how much work stay-at-home parents do, how it’s non-stop, how they’re under-appreciated, how they make the world go ’round, etc. And even stay-at-home dads—although fairly new on the scene—are now escaping the initial public backlash to their new roles. Public sentiment is shifting in their favor as more men than ever are staying at home with their kids, and these dads are rightfully being celebrated for their contributions on the home front.
But let’s face it, there are certain perks to staying at home.
First of all, there’s no commute. Second, you’re working from home in a non-office environment. And while I totally get how watching Caillou for the billionth time or dealing with a screaming child(ren) can be super annoying, the fact is you’re still watching TV and playing with your kids. Kids who (probably) take naps during the day, allowing you to either catch up on other chores in peace or take a nap yourself. You can leave the TV on, play the radio loud and spend all day in your PJs if that’s what you want. This isn’t me calling stay-at-home parents lazy—not by a longshot. It’s just the truth of the matter.
But working parents don’t have that luxury. My commute isn’t as bad as it used to be, but it still takes up anywhere from 2-3 hours a day. I leave before the sun comes up and get home long after dark. And in between those two occurrences, I’m at the office. I’m dealing with bosses, deadlines, trying to get promoted, trying to make more money and constantly under enormous pressure to produce. Not to mention the pressure that comes with being the primary breadwinner and knowing that if I slip up at work and lose my job, we’re totally screwed.
Then, when I come home, I have anywhere from 60-90 minutes to play with my son. Talk to him about his day, play dinosaurs with him, give him a bath, read him some books and put him to bed.
But guess what? Just because I’m home doesn’t mean I’ve stopped working.
Smartphones and the Internet have created less of a Work-Life Balance and more of a Work-Life Blend. Essentially what that means is to be successful in this day and age, you can’t just check out after 5 p.m. Emails follow me on my phone, my social media responsibilities pop up via Twitter and Facebook notifications as I put out fires and respond to customers in real-time and I take occasional work calls late into the night. All while trying to remain as involved a dad as I can and retain some semblance of being a husband.
The real beauty of being a stay-at-home parent, at least in my opinion, is being able to totally give yourself over to the task at hand. Those who stay at home are doing great work and they throw themselves into it. I know full well the stay-at-home parents in my life give 110% and are absolutely terrific.
But compare that to working parents. We’re still giving 110%, but it’s split between work and home. But you know what happens when you give 55% at work and 55% at home? You constantly feel like you’re not doing enough in either role and you’re perpetually torn between the two. While stay-at-home parents can say with complete certainty they’ve devoted themselves to their kids, working parents are in limbo. They have to work to bring in money so their spouse can afford to stay at home, but they can’t work so much that they become strangers to their families. But the line between work and home is constantly shifting or being redrawn in the sand.
Meanwhile, how many times have you read an article calling for working parents (usually it’s aimed at dads) to spend less time at the office and more time at home? To create more of a work-life balance? To come home after work and immediately go into father/husband mode, taking over chores and childcare duties for the mom who has been at home with the kid(s) all day? I’ve read countless pieces calling for working dads to do all these things, lest they be thought of as slackers compared to stay-at-home moms.
But why doesn’t anyone suggest these stay-at-home parents go work part-time jobs and contribute financially once they’re done taking care of the kids for the day?
That clicking noise you just heard was the collective sound of stay-at-home parents everywhere cocking their proverbial guns in preparation for my execution. I know no one is supposed to say anything that even remotely criticizes stay-at-home parents (especially moms), and that’s really not my intention. I understand every family situation is different and no two circumstances are ever the same. I get it. Decisions to work or stay at home are most often a joint decision based on what’s best for the particular family in question. And I’m not knocking that decision either way.
But it just really irks me how stay-at-home parents are afforded sanctuary from criticism and are seemingly beyond reproach, while working parents are automatically expected to simply suck it up and pull double duty.
Stay-at-home parents are celebrated for their devotion and self-sacrifice. And if those parents do decide to enter the workforce, they’re celebrated again. Moms especially, as more and more studies show women have a stronger desire to take on more responsibility as they become breadwinners. And while dads who decide to be full-time stay-at-home parents certainly face some discrimination and snide looks, the tide is turning and public sentiment is in their favor. They’re being rightfully praised as progressive and involved.
But when it comes to working parents (again, I’m focusing mainly on dads here), I read articles like this one that bash working dads who come home and don’t immediately do the laundry, the dishes and mop the floors after a full day at the office. They even advocate women withholding sex as punishment for not helping out. You know, because sex between married people should totally be used as a weapon.
Then there’s statistics like this one from Salary.com (where I work full-time as a content manager for full disclosure), in which 2,000 people were surveyed. While 2/3 of all men said they’d be willing to support a stay-at-home parent, only 35% of women said the same for men. And nearly 1/3 of all women said they would flat out refuse to support a stay-at-home husband.
Talk about your mixed messages. Some people are saying we’re working too much, yet the age-old pressure to be the breadwinner and provider is still very much in effect.
And while being with my son is my top priority when I get home from work at 6:30 p.m. before his 8 p.m. bedtime, the dishes are not. The laundry is not. Vacuuming is not. Because you know what? If you’re a stay-at-home parent that stuff should be mostly done already. Yeah, I said it. And I don’t feel bad about it one bit. When you choose to be a stay-at-home parent you’re committing to taking on the bulk of childcare duties and household duties. The cooking and the cleaning. Case in point, MJ is out of work right now and stays at home while going to school once a week. Assuming she didn’t have anything out of the ordinary going on, should I expect her to have dinner prepared, the laundry done and have the house in order? Hell yes! Why shouldn’t I? I’m not talking about sparkling floors or building an addition on the house mind you, but stay-at-home parents should absolutely be taking care of household duties.
Working parents should pitch in and do their part, no question. But if a working parent is expected to earn 100% of the money, why is it out of line to expect the stay-at-home parent to do 100% of household duties? It’s the very definition of a double standard, but no one ever addresses it because it’s not politically correct.
And before you get on me, it would be the same for me if I was at home and she was working. This isn’t about gender, it’s about a division of labor and responsibility. I just find it highly questionable that working parents are fully expected to come home and “relieve” the stay-at-home parent, but if you suggest to the stay-at-home parent he/she should find a part-time, paying job at night, you’re suddenly an asshole. It doesn’t make any sense.
The point of this post is not to cause further division between the two sects or diminish in any way what stay-at-home parents do. My mom was a stay-at-home mom, my wife is now (at least for the time being) a stay-at-home mom and I’ve connected with so many wonderful men and women who have chosen this route. You all work hard and your efforts are unbelievably appreciated.
But my point is I’d like to see a little more love for working parents. Instead of telling us we don’t do enough, how about the media and the blogosphere thanks us for the contributions we are making. The money, the security and providing the opportunity for one parent to be home in the first place. Working parents are feeling the squeeze both at the office and at home, stressing themselves out at the thought of having one foot in each world at all times and worrying we’re not doing either to the fullest extent.
Anyone who can walk that tightrope is just as worthy of being celebrated as the esteemed stay-at-home folks.
I commute to work every day. I get up at 5, get my boy up at 545, we’re out the door at 615 (my son is not a morning eater. He prefers a sippy cup of milk until he “wakes” up. Like me, he thinks 6am is just too early. Sometimes he wants crackers, but other than that, nothing)
I drop him off for 625, get him settled, drive to catch the 7am train. begin my day at 830. 430 comes, I catch the 453 train, and pick my son up at 605. we go home, and I’ll vacuum as I’m allergic to my cat while I cook him dinner. Other than that, everything waits til he goes to bed at 830. I’ll do the dishes, take a shower, and crawl into bed. My ex takes him two consistent days a week, and every other friday and weekend. Because of that, I decided that chores can wait. I don’t have to put the clothes away immediately. I can wait til he’s with daddy. I just want to spend time with him. the commute sucks. I’d give anything to stay home with him. Especially when he looks at me in the morning, and cries “no daddy. mommy stay. pwease?” it breaks my bloody heart. And there have been times when I’ve actually said screw it, called in, and stayed home with him. but only once or twice. Cause I miss my son.
I find it tougher to be at home than at work. That doesn’t mean I think ALL parents find it easier to be working parents. It’s just me. I find being at home quite suffocating and all the expectations I have for myself for keeping the house in order, looking after my kids, looking after MYSELF are never met. I mostly feel like a bedraggled failure. I get no praise at home & generally people assume I am lucky to be spending so much time with my kids, hanging out in pj’s etc…. I am sorry if you feel like you don’t get enough praise from society in general. From my standpoint working parents get called superstars for balancing so much, I just get told how lucky I am to not have to work. Maybe being the parent of ONE 3 year old you can say with certainty that it’s easier to be home than work. I have a 3 year old and a 9 month old baby. It would be very difficult to get them both to school and get to work I agree, I would miss them terribly and feel guilty for sure. But it’s also tough being at home with two very demanding chidren. Most days it’s enough that I survive to 7pm when my husband gets home. That is a 12 hour day for me too. It never ends, I never get downtime either, I’m not saying he does, we both work super hard. I would never tell my husband that his commute is downtime, I’ve commuted and it sucks. We both respect the work that we do. We both sacrifice something. Neither of us claims to have it tougher or easier, that would do nothing for our relationship. Some days I have it easy, my kids are nice to me and I love being at home. Some days I want to sell them on ebay, but that is illegal so I can’t. It’s just really difficult being the parent of small children. There is always a sacrifice to be made. We all make it happily for the good of our family. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a diaper to change, a kitchen to clean & laundry to fold. Hopefully I’ll get through it before my son unfolds it all! I’ve enjoyed reading the comments!
Rivka: You can’t discount things like this, http://www.guampdn.com/article/20111126/LIFESTYLE/111260316 which does put a dollar value on SAHMs. It is a form of recognition whether you want to admit it or not.
Additionally, a (very) quick Google search yields things like this:
http://www.independent.com/news/2011/dec/01/role-mother/
and this:
http://www.inforum.com/event/article/id/341655/
And it’s good SAHparents are recognized. But I’d like to see the same for working parents too. While I agree SAHparents face a misguided stigma of laziness, working parents are all but forgotten.
DaddyFiles1 recently posted..Working Parents Have a Tougher Job Than Those Who Stay at Home
Your blog executed a big issue in the households today. I’m sure this will receive a lot of comments and criticisms. As a working mother, I know how hard it is to balance my time to family and work. You have to exert all of your efforts to the both parties or else you’ll be lacking excellence either in your profession or as being a parent. But when I come home I always see to it that I make my kids understand that I’m doing this for them and will pay off eventually. My husband is working as well and luckily, we seldom have misunderstandings with regard to this matter. I am very blessed!
Angel Collins recently posted..Holiday Gift Guide: The Mom or Mom to be
Grass is always greener.
Of course they do, it is common sense when you think about it, its the ones who sit at home all day that find the time and the need to create theoretical arguments as to why they have it worse. Nonsense!
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I agree that working parents deserve more recognition. The working parents that deserve recognition certainly are putting in 110% or more. I know SAH parents who somehow manage to do nothing but watch TV and nap all day, and working parents who come home and lock themselves into their personal space for an hour or more after work to “unwind”, and I can’t understand either. When I worked, I wanted time with my kid and husband after work. Now that I don’t work, I spend time with housework, although not much, and mostly keeping my kid from vegging out in front of a screen.
Personally, I give my working husband all kinds of props and kudos. He absolutely deserves them. Just to put it into perspective, you only get to spend an hour or so a night with your kid. My husband gets to spend a couple hours every two weeks with our daughter, plus video-chat time some evenings. He makes enough money to let me stay home with our 2.5 year old full time, but the price we pay for that is the travel he almost always does for work. This isn’t entirely a choice, but rather a result of the shitty job market. It’s not even fun travel, since he works for a construction company, working 12-ish hour days before going back to a crappy hotel and microwave meals. When he gets home every other weekend, he spends time with our daughter, and sometimes we manage a sitter so we can go out. I can’t bring myself to expect him to do any housework when he gets home, and as a very pregnant mom of a toddler, I don’t always have the oomph to do more than minimum cleaning.
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Yes it’s true!. Even my dad said that when he was working abroad. It’s really tough since he doesn’t able to get in touch with his daughters always because of work. Nice post!. XD
Angel Collins recently posted..Feel Good Friday: DIY Holiday Gifts
I found it hard to keep balance between my kids and my job, and its happened almost daily, routine cry and fight, do you have any advice?