This post also appeared on www.capecodonline.com/blogs in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.
Will is 5 months old today. The only problem is he looks like he’s old enough to get his driver’s license!
Seriously, the kid is just big. He’s tall and he’s solid. He looks like he ate the Michelin Man’s baby. His legs resemble hamhocks and he’s cursed with his father’s chubby cheeks. And since we’ve already established he’s the cutest baby on the freaking planet, we get stopped by relatives, friends and even complete strangers who feel the need to comment on his size. As if we somehow had failed to notice.
But to be honest, it’s getting a little old and some of the comments are bordering on inappropriate and insulting. For instance:
One of my neighbors feels the need to go out of her way to tell me how big Will is every single time she sees him. But this old lady seems to be the Queen of Backhanded Compliments because she comes out with gems like “Oh my…he’s even larger than last week huh?” I not-so-politely remind her that children tend to grow and if they didn’t there would be a serious problem. She never takes the hint, and then says “But he’s SO big, have you ever thought about doing some baby exercises with him?” No, actually it never crossed my mind to do fun exercises with my son. Obviously all we do with him is prop him up in front of the TV with a bowl full of Twinkies! Now how about you take your geriatric derriere back to your mothball infested condo before I let my gargantuan son eat your elderly bones!
My other pet peeve lately is people coming up to me and saying “So how old is he? About 8-9 months?” I always dread this because when I tell them he’s only 5 months they get this shocked look on their face and then they say something like “Oh my goodness, he’s HUGE!” Then they look at him and get right in his face and say things like “You’re a BIG boy aren’t you?” How very astute of you sir or madam, to make the keen observation that my son is large for his age. Just so you know, the sky is blue and the ocean is very wet. Now leave my son alone before I remove his diaper and pelt you with it.
And I usually don’t mind good-natured comments like “He’s gonna be a linebacker” and stuff like that, but when one person called him a future Sumo wrestler I took offense. Especially since it was a complete stranger who said it and she was roughly 5’4″ and 250 lbs. So I muttered “Are you going to be his instructor?” but the old bat’s hearing wasn’t shot like I thought it would be. Oh well, you can’t be friends with everyone.
But seriously, I can’t believe he’s 5 months old already. He cut his second tooth right next to the other one coming in on the bottom. He’s started a new trend where he gives raspberries and spits all over everything, sort of like a chimp. He’s also taken to making very loud sucking noises whenever he’s hungry. I won’t lie, it’s just about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. And ever since he learned how to grab the covers and blankets around him, he pulls them over his face. The only problem is he doesn’t realize cause and effect yet, so he freaks out crying when he puts the blanket over his head because he has no clue why everything has gone dark. I know it’s probably very scary to him, but I admit I let it go on for a few seconds before helping him out because it strikes me as completely hilarious!